Growing up is hard, right? Might be more fun if your family is pleasant but in my clan well the opposite. It was never really clear why we did not get along let alone maintain peace as well as harmony. Even today tried to  make some contact. Rejected and told leave me alone. Ok so this is life. Not much can be done really and life just has to on. Have tried to figure it out but my conclusion is we do not want you.gave

Had many problems as an adolescent. Beaten up a few times. Had few friends in school while not sure who could be trusted. Teachers were okay while thinking what could I do next. Had to endure what was then look forward. Looking forward was more important while not looking backward. This gave me some hope. I gave my pet mouse this name, "looking forward." It me hope to carry on. Loved the little critter. Never gave me problems. Liked to hold it. Talked to it while knowing it was still a living creature who needed care as well. Maybe this is better. Still thought at times why are people such "jerks" and can care only for themselves.

There was a period of time in the early 1970's in which I sought out more help in dealing with my predictament. Was depressed wanted to terminate my life then realized it would do nothing but I would not be around. It made more sense in working out these difficulties. It worked and found more understanding about life and how each one of us have hidden goals that need to be made. Worked hard to overcome that which was bothering me. Worked at looking at life in a different manner and hope there will be something new. Today am happy that I did not take the dark side of life out and am here to tell the story.

Growing up was hard to under take. Having people who at times cared was one thing but having no one who cared is a horse of another color. Today sit back while wondering what has hap.pened to my peers from yesterday. Often wonder if they had a good life or bad. Have they had the best of life or maybe hit rock bottom and made nothing. Still that is the unknown side which is not that important. I am and still will be the same and miserable person who had a tough time growing up. It was hard and endured much. My sibs today well can rot in hell. My mom who caused me grief as well as me doing the same is gone. I did go to her grave and did my best to reflect on what we both went through. Had strong words but needed to get them out and be at peace with myself. It was finally done. Had my final say while her ashes were buried deep with only memories of what took place. Most likely will never again visit her resting place. Have much to say about growing up with the ill feelings that gave me little. I did my best as an adolescent. Then merged into manhood while not knowing about the outcome in the future.