YOUR CRANKY AUNT POOL MANAGEMENT
You'd Better Behave!
You apartment dwellers, you! It's Memorial Day so we're opening the pool. You're so spoiled! Please follow these rules and regulations in order to insure you have as little fun as possible:
No food or beverages in the pool area; in fact, if you had anything to eat within 45 minutes don’t even bother coming down, or you’ll get cramps and drown!
Leave your dog at home! People are wet here. No one wants to be wet and covered with dog hair. That’s just wrong!
No running, diving, jumping or swimming in the pool area! Oh. Wait. You can swim, but don’t have ANY fun doing it.
Resident’s must check in with the 16 year old lifeguard (My nephew. We’re so proud! He just passed CPR after the fifth try!), and show him your passport, social security card, or a NJ Transit Bus Pass.
Guests will only be permitted following a full Homeland Security Background Check. Hey, we don’t know who these people are. And make sure those suspicious looking characters you brought with you don’t leave your sight. Any trouble, it’s on your head!
Don’t even think that by draping your towel, and leaving your copy of the latest Mary Higgins Clark novel on a lounge chair means that’s YOUR lounge chair. Show me where your name’s written on that chair, please? Reservations are for restaurants!
If you’re a female between 12 and 92, your swimming attire must cover at least 80% of your body (normally starting at your ankles and ending just above your eyebrows). We expect you to ignore this. But we will make our displeasure known. In fact,we’re doing it now! We’re glaring!
Any male over 25 who wishes to wear a Speedo must get written approval from three females who are not blood relatives. And even then, said Speedo man may be summarily evicted from the pool area if anyone complains of nausea or double vision.
No fun pool toys in the pool. Step Away from the noodle! You’re lucky you’re even getting in the water, okay?
Let’s talk about the kiddies. Pay attention because it works like this. If ‘lil Jillian or Matthew doesn’t know how to say, with urgency, “Mommy take me to the potty,” you can just buy that Municipal Pool Pass right now, because no one here in this building wants to worry about “little accidents”. We already have enough residents of a certain age who have those little accidents, and legally we can’t tell them they can’t come in to the water.
To keep you cool and refreshed we’ll maintain the water temperature at about 51 degrees Fahrenheit. We read (somehwere, once) that 51 degrees is the optimum temp to get a teenage boy cocky enough to jump in despite the cold, come up gasping, his ho0-haws shriveled to the size of teeny kidney beans and thusly will hurry his butt out of the pool. See, we don't really want you in the pool at all! Sorry…Sorry! Pool cleaning chemicals are so expensive! Who knew?
That’s all…for now. We may just come up with some other restrictions if we feel like it. Besides, the sun is very bad for you. You may look good with a tan but come talk to us in 10 years when your face is so wrinkled you look like your standing in a wind-tunnel or, you know…something else worse….Okay…
So, go…have some fun, but watch yourself!
Your Cranky Aunt Pool Management
NO-FUN ZONE!
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Comments
(thumbified for amusement)
I don't do well with rules and have instinctually avoided apartment living.
This is very funny.
"Any male over 25 who wishes to wear a Speedo must get written approval from three females who are not blood relatives."
While visiting my parents I went to their community pool for a swim. Lots of visiting relatives were about and one such young man created quite a stir when he made his "entrance" in a banana hammock g-string. I thought the old ladies doing water aerobics in the shallow end were going to stroke out in unison they're eyes were popping out of their heads.
One last thought provoked by your post, who writes these memos?
Yikes, I remember it being equivalent to a mortal sin if you should track water into her screened in, linoleum floored garage. lol
Hey, you!!! That water is for looking at only. Get outta there now!
We have a pool in my HOA and tennis courts etc. I pay the dues each year because I have to, but I've never used any of the facilities in the six years I've been here.
Feel better…
Now I'm curious about the actual memo. Is ANYthing allowed?
This is hilarious.
We have two nice pools at my apartment complex, and if anything, they're too lax about the rules. So I don't use it all that often as the pool is often full of small screaming children during the day, and full of large, screaming and unfortunately obnoxious young adults in the evenings.
Pool rules were definitely made to curb water sport fun!
"Any male over 25 who wishes to wear a Speedo must get written approval from three females who are not blood relatives. And even then, said Speedo man may be summarily evicted from the pool area if anyone complains of nausea or double vision."
I once dated a 70 year old man who wore a Speedo. Not that he looked any better in it than most men do in a Speedo, but learning to ignore the actual "look," helped me appreciate that his wearing it was a wonderful expression of his lack of inhibition, comfort with his body, and general rebelliousness, still going strong after 70 years on the planet. I actually got to like it, not in an aesthetic sense, but as an expression of his "personality." (Yea, you could see THAT, too.)
Rated!
And the tags!