YOUR CRANKY AUNT APARTMENT MANAGEMENT

 YOU'D BETTER BEHAVE!

You! You Residents, you!

Again, with a memo!  I thought I was finished after the Swimming Pool thing, but no, here I am again, talking to you like I would a five year old.  I’m telling you, if my husband, Morty, were alive…forget it, the shame!

Okay, for those of you who don’t know, tomorrow is the 4^th of July.  Don’t roll your eyes at me!  There are people in this building who ask me every day which apartment they live in! 

Pay attention, because this is big news!  The High and Mighty City of New York has finally acknowledged that right across that big river called the Hudson, is a whole other state!  New Jersey!  Woo Hoo!  Thanks for nothing, Mayor Michael Bloomberg.  We’re still paying that commuter tax to come labor in your great city, right?  Feh.

Whatever.  What this means is the Macy’s 4^th of July Fireworks Extravaganza will be taking place on the Hudson this year. 

Oh, you’re all excited, aren’t you?  Huh.  Don’t you understand what a huge pain in the bahunda this is?  Noooo.  All you can think about is how great it is that you live in an apartment building with an unobstructed view of the Hudson.  You’ll be busy “oohing” and “ahhhing” at the pretty sparkles while my lovey cats, Skinny and Skanky, are quivering under the bed!  Selfish residents!  Best view in town, and I don’t want to hear complaints about a rent increase next year!

This is how it’s going to go and I want no back talk, got me?

First of all, there are the road closures.  Because you’re lucky enough to live on a street that will afford the best view of the Hudson, you’re not going to be able to drive on it!  Righty-right! The County Sherriff’s office says, get your rear-end home by 2:00pm and stay there.  If you don’t get home by that time, you better have your driver’s license, your passport, and prepare for a retinal scan, because they’re serious about this.  Everybody else in New Jersey who doesn’t have this view is heading our way.  And most of them, I can tell you, are Troublemakers with a capital “T”!

And don’t think you’re going to be sneaking up to the roof to watch.  I’ve already had motion sensors installed that trigger these little taser things my cousin, Rudy, got from an army surplus place in Passaic.  He says they’ll hurt some but there shouldn’t be any loss of vision.  So, stay off the damn roof, or you could get a shock in the rear, and I’m not liable – I checked with my brother-law, Felton, the notary.  He says I’m free and clear.

About the pool…you all know how I feel about the abuses that take place at the pool!  Well, unfortunately, the pool area does have a pretty good vantage point to watch the fireworks, and there’s nothing legal I can do to keep you from going down there to watch the show.  But I CAN make it as miserable for you as possible.

1.       No swimming after 8:00pm.  I don’t even want to think about the naughty hi-jinks that might take place in the dark.  You’re supposed to be being patriotic, not “erotic”!  Get it?

2.      You have 1 apartment in the building, right?  That means you can only bring 2 guests with you.  I don’t care if you live in the duplex penthouse and 16 of your relatives from Mingus, Texas, are visiting, you only get to bring 2 of them down.  It’s all about the apartment.  1 apartment equals 2 guests.  That ought to start some of your own family fireworks.  (I’m smiling huge here!)

3.      No glass, food, or alcoholic beverages are allowed in the Pool area. I don’t even have to explain how not fun that’s going to be.   

4.     If you leave the Pool area to use the facilities, don’t plan on coming back.  This is NOT a Bruce Springsteen concert!

As for those of you who are going to hide out in your apartment, keep this in mind:  Do not allow more than 5 people on your balcony at any time.  This is a 35 year old building.  I’ve been here for all 35 years and I don’t remember when they ever last shored up those balconies and, well…I’m trying to be nice here and say you only want maybe 1 or 2 of the remaining 14 cousins from Mingus, Texas, on the balcony.  Ever. Seriously. 

Hey, what’s the 4^th of July without a Big Ole BBQ?  Well, you’re going to find out because there will be no grilling or cooking allowed on the balcony!  Tell your family from Mingus they can just put those slabs of beef right back in the freezer.  Fredo, the doorman, will be standing across the street doing a continual sweep of the building with a pair of infrared binoculars Rudy got at that same surplus store.  We also got those walkie-talkie phones so Fredo can alert me if he sees even a spark.  Rudy’s been training him to tell the difference between a flame from a grill and the glow from a cigarette so I won’t have to be running all over the place with the Fire Marshall breaking down doors.  Besides, you shouldn’t smoke, it’s a filthy habit!

I want you to read this memo a couple of times because there a lot of chuckleheads that live in this building and I don’t want to have to ruin my holiday by reminding you how to behave like a good American apartment dweller! 

God Bless America, and watch your butts, ‘cause I got my eye on you!