I wrote this a few weeks ago trying to help others know what it feels like for me when I am having difficulty dealing with Major Depressive Disorder. In my life, it's cyclic, but while the downward swing can be brought on by an event or situation, it can also come out of nowhere for no discernible reason.
Sinking. Drowning. A weak face that can't smile, doesn't know what could possibly cause laughter. Trying to hide the heavy weight which sits on my shoulders, my back, my hips, my legs.
How can I go back to a happy time? When was I happy last? I'm not sure why this is happening now. I pick up my heavy feet when I walk. Why are daily, mundane tasks of life so hard? I get down so easily. Sleep brings rest, but not relief.
I want to tell children that when they grow up it's all laundry, dishes, cleaning, bills, and things breaking that you just bought last week. Five dollar charges added to your bills that weren't there last month. No one is on your side when you try to make something right. No one ever told me this. Everyone wants you to fail except your mom and dad. If you're lucky.
Why can some people do mundane things with joy, but the same things cause me frustration and hurt? Can I influence nothing around me to change for the better? I desire comfort but it does not desire me.
I am drowning, insensibly drifting into a darker place every moment. The pressure around my head, my chest become greater as I fall into it. Others avoid me when I need them most. I want to be alone, but also to be embraced. I wait for you to read my mind, but you never do.
To close my eyes and have my brain re-started so that I can wake up with energy for living again. To have a dream be a reality and sunshine to make my hair warm, to have the weights removed from my daily shoes.
The smile of the world to be directed at me instead of my enemy. To be proud of my self instead of ashamed. To bring back those I long for and hold them tight again. To have ridiculous charges removed from bills with a promise never to steal my money again. To be praised for something. Anything.
To give of myself for another's benefit and not have it feel as though something has been subtracted from me.
To have others tell me the truth, even if it hurts. To let my mind wander toward wonderful ideas and creative solutions, not to revisit regrets and mistakes.
Make plans for the future, not dwell in a dreary today. To be able to trust others, to want to trust others.
I close my eyes and my mouth so the filthy water doesn't get me, my last attempt to preserve my self. My ears will fill up and cause more discomfort as I fall deeper into this thick, soggy pit. Maybe if my shoes weren't so heavy I would not be here in the first place. I am alone. I look up, I look around me, but no one is with me.
No one will help me now. The farther I sink, the less they can see me. Maybe they think I am beyond helping, that I am not worth rescuing. All I need is one person to reach down to me. Can you reach my hand? I cannot save myself. This saddens me even more. I ask for help but no one is there.
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Dave Cullen
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Speaking of, here’s a poem from Wendell Berry.
Take care,
Melissa
The Peace of Wild Things
by Wendell Berry
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
You described it perfectly. Today I am there. Tomorrow I probably won't be as my moods are somewhat more up and down than they used to be. Thank GOd for the ups.
You mention shame. I know this comes from my past relationship with my mother in which I am ashamed of everything, feel ugly, and everything is my fault. Logically, I know this is not true, yet this is how I feel some days. It is the MDD talking but still it's hard.
HUgs and prayers.
OESD - I won't give up. My kids are good about hugs and such when "Mommy isn't feeling good."
Steve - I appreciate that. I wanted to ask for help for a long time, and I am not sure why I waited so long. That's part of why I posted this. Everybody has their ups and downs, that's life. It's when you can't enjoy anything at all it really hurts. All the cute puppies in the world can't cure it.
Yellow starlings - Thank you for such a thoughtful response and the highly appropriate WB words. You are exactly right - there is a healing presence in nature. I suppose that's why I am drawn to the beauty of wild things. You are doubly right - creativity helps, but it can be hard to find the right outlets. As I have gotten older and gained more perspective and experience, it's gotten easier.
Bluesurly - Grey, yes. I think you know where I am coming from.
nanatehay - i hope you don't suffer too much. It is good to know you are in the club, too!
h-Julie - Thank you so much...I must have said something right. It is always nice to know there is someone who has the same struggles and can still make it through.
Mr. M - Thanks - hang in there, too.
Brenda - I can tell you are working to dig out of the same hole I am in. Having strict parents and rules is important, but it can also make you feel unworthy of praise. I come from a long line of MDD'ers except a bunch of them self-medicated. And are no longer among the living.
late - I am sorry you suffer in that way - and you have defined attempting to live with dysfunction: "Believing in yourself is key, and is difficult if not impossible to do when you love and trust people who want the worst for you."
Michael - I am glad you are not in that club. I only ask that you reach out every once in a while to someone who needs it but is unable to recognize their own symptoms. And trust me, as bad as someone might feel, they probably don't know the difference between depressed and normal.
Hoop - Thank you also...
dust - you are so right, and self care might be the only healthy thing some days. I find myself sleeping a lot when I am in a down time, which can only contribute to the problem. Some people exercise to increase their metabolism, thereby increasing energy to overcome some of the lethargy.
I wrote a poem about this recently, about the ideations we must never speak of.
I wish you, and all of us, well. I wish us.... well, I wish us whatever it takes to feel better.
Thanks for this. I know how hard it is to write about and put up on the screen for all to see.
Then we need to remind ourselves to go there. Sometimes we forget that that place exists.
Sending great, big feelings of peace and joy!
A very great piece! Thank you for sharing!
Be well.