I was Baptist, to begin with. Good, conservative, old-fashioned Baptist. I went to Baptist high school. All my friends were Baptists and Pentecostals. I am not Baptist anymore. I converted. To lesbianism. Not only did I convert, I moved to New York CIty, found a nice Jewish girl, and joined the Democratic party. This has alternately confused, scandalized, and delighted my childhood friends.
I have found that, as the only gay person a lot of my friends know, I have become something of an ambassador to the gay community. I have had conversations ad nauseum about how “no, I don’t do lots of hard drugs, spend inordinate amounts of time in nightclubs, have sex with strangers, or try to recruit children.” My beloved and I are pretty straight-edge. Our idea of a wild night out is smoking pot before we go to ikea. That’s why we have seven cutting boards and only four knives.
Most of the time, I don’t mind being the gay ambassador, because smashing stereotypes to pieces is fun. But sometimes....well...
I was in love with a girl my last two years of Baptist high school. We will call her Charlotte. I loved her painfully and from afar, and if it weren’t for her, I would have never realized that I am shockingly, enormously queer. Charlotte had the unmitigated gall not to get a facebook account while in college, so she and I lost touch until recently. I found out three things.
Charlotte is married.
Charlotte has step children.
Charlotte is pretty sure she’s a lesbian. And she’s never told anyone, other than me.
Then she said to me those three little words.... “You’re gay, right?” My heart sank.
“News travels fast.”
“What was it like for you--coming out?”
I never know what to say when people ask me this question. I could toe the party line and say, “Coming out was the best thing I have ever done for myself-- you should do it too!” But the trouble is, that isn’t entirely true. I am happy I came out, but not even my therapist told me how much it was going to suck. It was the single most isolating, emotionally painful process I have ever gone through. I lost a LOT of friends. My relationship with my parents is more or less shot. I totally lost my faith, which was probably most traumatic of all. I had been raised to think of gays as bad people, but...I was gay....and I was a good person. So what else had I been wrong about? If you have never had your entire worldview implode on itself-- I can’t say I enjoyed it, but it was a constructive period.
“Coming out was hard, Charlotte. It was really hard. But I’m glad I did it.”
“That’s what everyone says.”
“ Are you thinking about coming out?”
“I dunno, I mean-- I’m married......”
In this age of no-fault divorce, the sophisticated reader may wonder why Charlotte doesn’t just divorce her husband, come flying out of the closet, and get a mullet and birkenstocks to join the rest of the gay ladies out there. But I understand it. Charlotte’s father is a Baptist minister, and now that she’s married, her parents finally accept her as an adult and a full member of the church. So for Charlotte to come out of the closet would attract a LOT of attention, and embarrass her parents considerably. Because good parents just don’t HAVE gay children....you know?
“Are you even attracted to him? I know that’s really personal, but--”
“I thought I was. Not really. Anymore.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“What do you think I should do?”
I am probably the worst possible ambassador for the gay community, because, to be honest, I wouldn’t wish gayness on anyone. It has been an incredible gift in my life, but at the same time-- I have to look and see who’s watching before I kiss my girlfriend. Even in New York City, I don’t feel entirely safe anywhere that isn’t my apartment. And these days, I can hardly turn on the news without seeing some item about people who are trying to legislate against me and my civil rights.
So I don’t know what to tell Charlotte to do. She could stay with her husband and be safe and comfortable, or she could come out. Being able to look yourself in the eye sometimes comes with a really terrible cost.
“I think you should talk to a therapist, honey. Because I’m not qualified to help you, and I don’t want to tell you what to do with your life.”
Charlotte is silent for awhile, and she tells me she has to go tuck her stepdaughter into bed. She is going to process what we talked about, and maybe call me again soon.
I don’t know the right thing to tell her. Is it my job to tell her that any choice she makes is going to totally and completely break her heart?
Why is this still happening in 2010? Charlotte is 25 years old. I thought this was supposed to stop happening in 1967.....
What do we do-- what do I do-- to keep this from happening to anyone ever again???
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Dear reader I married him
Safe_Bet's Amy
James and Lois Cowan
Gabby Fox
L in the Southeast
Kerry Lauerman
Salon.com
Comments
(I spent an afternoon with [what does one call a group of lesbians - is there a name for that?] several out-lesbians and one who is still unaware and I was stunned at the standard mullet hairdos.)
Second, it is only 2010 on the Coasts and in some major cities. In most places in the US, the operational year varies from the mid-80's back as far as the late 50's.
Third, you don't know that the decision will break her heart. You can tell her how you would act and be there if she needs you but she's gotta do what she things best for her life, her children and her own future. One can only live a lie for so long.
Good luck to you - and her.
Lew
I don't know what to tell you about your friend. She'll come to terms, or she won't - but it'll be up to her. As for you, I predict you'll become more comfortable with yourself the longer you're out of a repressive environment.
No you didn't. If they blew you off they weren't ever really your friends, they were just acquaintances. Your friends are the ones who are STILL your friends now that you're "out".
As for your faith. You lost the ability to hate people different than yourself. To me that is a good thing and more than out weights any loss of religion.
P.S. I'm with LL, but not only without the IKEA but the pot too.
P.P.S. @ the traveler: Way to repeat those stereotypes, dude. Good job! ::eye roll::
R
thats really really funny.
and i kindof know what you mean. i could never ever ever tell someone to become a single mom, cause it is unbelievably hard. and yet, i could never ever tell someone NOT to, because i am so grateful to have my boy.
big choices often come with big prices. you illustrated it really well here.
I had to "come out" to all family and friends when we learned that our older adopted son had molested our daughter. It was hard to learn, and it was hard to process. It is never "over," and the necessary changes were something I never thought I'd have to confront. But truth and honesty,at least in the US, maybe New York, should not be completely unsafe.
@lawless lawyer: I think I will too. I've only been out/coming out for five years now, and the leaps I've made have been amazing. But at the same time....it's hard to shake that liiiiiitttle baptist voice.
@Bonnie: Mazel tov to your friend! :)
@Amy-- I don't know if I agree with you, actually. There were some who turned on me quickly, who definitely weren't friends, but then there are the ones who try to "love the sinner and hate the sin." The wall creeps up slowly, and I could still call them if I needed something but...we're not friends anymore.
@Chuck: The world will be a better place because of you and your daughters.
@Owl--- always good to hear from "family." ;-) My initial instinct was to tell Charlotte to "come to the dark side, we have cookies!" But alas....life is more subtle than that.
@Jane-- You summarized it better than I did. Big choices have big prices. I like it!
@jasmin: I can't even begin to imagine what you went through, but it sounds like you have come through it well. And I too hope that truth never has to be unsafe.
i have been in charlotte's shoes, minus the kids. i was married. i met a woman and fell in love. i always had an inkling i was a lesbian, but various things kept me from coming out. it was not easy and my relationship with my family has been strained since. i hope she's able to come to a decision that is right for her.
As a 63 year-old gay man who has been out since high school I really don't know what to say. You know here best.
Maybe she should start by coming with you to IKEA to buy knives.
Sounds like SHE needs them more than you do.
It's TRULY FUCKING ANNOYING!!!!!
2) We are show through popular culture that whatever it is we want in a relationship, we are a) entitled to it (you only live once, you're worth it!!!) and b) if we are just persistent and don't take 'no' for an answer, we will win over the stoniest hearts (insert fantasy here of a big jolly holiday dinner with kind family members smiling through a tear or two, group hug, all lovin' one another no matter what!)... Charlotte made her bed and should lie in it until her stepchildren are grown and out on their own. (But this doesn't mean she should not talk to a therapist and maybe her husband. As for her parents, screw 'em. It's the husband and stepchildren that are important.)
it seems to me the real dilemma here is: how can we as humans love each other, intimately-- possibly more than one at a time. to me the core issue here is monogamy. I suggest your friend go out of the closet with her husband, and ask her husband for permission to continue exploring her feelings for other women, possibly through intimate relationships, which would not cancel their existing one. the real problem in my opinion is social structures built up through millenia of encrustation where the concept of loving more than 1 person intimately, simultaneously, makes peoples heads explode.
The personal struggle with identifying one's sexual orientation is an unintentional consequence of most religions and society's gender reinforcement. One can not expect new religious scriptures centered around some gay prophet to suddenly surface. And gender reinforcement throughout a person's development by parents, schools, community, and even multimedia will continue, even at an unintentional level. It is unavoidable.
Unfortunately for most, the longer it takes for a person to recognize and accept that part of themselves, the greater the consequences of changing their lifestyle. I'm not talking about community acceptance. It is the life one has already established and those closest to us that will be affected. It must be easy for a person who has been out all their lives to say "you're living a lie". But realistically, each person must first decide what they want; prioritizing, listing out the pros and cons, including consideration of any effectual changes upon the family unit.
I live in a fairly conservative rural community. There are no gay ambassadors here that I know of, and my first focus was my children. Coming out earlier just didn't make it to the top of my list. When I finally did earlier this year, my idea of coming out was honest discussions with my family, and telling the truth when someone asks me, not waving some rainbow banner for the whole community to witness. Now, if at any time I had thought there were "cookies" waiting on the sidelines...
@Chuck, I really don't think religion needs to be taken away from people or wiped from the face of the earth. Faith can be a fulfilling part of someone's life. One of my two daughters is a "true" Christian, and even though she doesn't agree with all my "choices", she is accepting. While she was growing up, I tried to instill values, but I did not try to manipulate her calling to a particular faith or disrespect her personal choices. My coming out to her has not changed our relationship.
We must all live with our own integrity in order to live free, and those who can't handle it, can't. Their loss.
I hope you find faith again though, there are other faces of faith than the narrow corridors of conservative faith.
Yes, I've been there too. The "white-washing" of gay suffering that leads people to believe, mistakenly, that it "really isn't so bad anymore" -- so the smack of the train is more of a surprise when you are expecting an painless experience.
I've got to say, I wouldn't recommend it to almost anyone -- despite my fierce beliefs to the contrary in the past. Your line about getting your heart broken either way seems pretty accurate.
I've been on the road for over a decade now and I continue to be surprised by how mind-meltingly, heart shatteringly hard it is. I'm strong and had a lot to work with and --- it's been so unimaginably hard in so many ways. It's been like a natural disaster, over and over again, in my life.
While the supportive folks around me kept saying "it's okay, it's no big deal" to which I found myself (eventually) wanting to scream "if it wasn't a big deal it wouldn't have taken this long, cost this much, been so shattering." I know they mean it's "no big deal" to them, that they still love me, that they are trying to be open and welcoming. But if it wasn't a big deal, there wouldn't be 10 gay suicides for every 1 straight one for example.
I could write sixteen books about all the ways it's been hard. I wish I was kidding but I'm not. I've been blessed, I have. I've had time and help to recover from this total shattering of self that happened repeatedly. Walking into churches, for the first time in my life searching out formal places for prayer and grace, and finding myself unwelcome was stunningly devastating despite my relative disinterest in religion. Seeing the pain in the faces of others at gay events was frightening, little did I know what was to come for me when I first noticed how crushed so many people in my community seemed to be.
On the other hand, despite watching it nearly kill so many people I know and love, experiencing the gift of love was beyond anything I'd ever come across before. Not the sex, though it has been truly enlightening, but the honest truth of the connection helped me really feel "grace" in a way I'd never found in any church or community before.
They were as devoted and as caring as any two people I had ever met but they had lived their entire lives being unable to share who they were. The fact of their secret life still makes me sad.
We don't need one, Christianity is the Pauline Church, organized by Paul, the Gay Dude who spent his converted life obsessing on whether other men's plumbing was, er, circumspect.
'she doesn't agree with all my "choices,"'
Physiology offers no such choices.
I suggest, in strong terms, that your friend, especially at her age with her whole life ahead of her, tell her husband she has a "calling" to go to a Baptist Convention somewhere, and instead take Southwest to Oakland and simply walk through the Farmers Market at Lakeshore on ANY Saturday. Frankly, I doubt she will be alone after 15 minutes there, and a stroll up the Avenue will make her feel immediately at home in a place where her sisters have made their haven, I'm not aware of another one in the USA for gay women where they can be themselves in the same way gay men did in the Castro in the 70s --- it is your turn, Ladies!
She'd find the family that actually cares about her, not simply using her as a Bronze Age prop. I know how tough it is, but, can you imagine being a gay woman and faking it with a guy for the rest of your life? Just to keep people who would turn on you in a second happy?
As we say in the Islands, No Make Sense!
This cracked me up. But then you got serious and so did I. There is some pain in life that simply cannot be escaped. That is why it is so important that your friend decides for herself what to do. Pain is part of life and an important part of building character, unfortunately.
Lezlie
Oh yeah?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyUjk20fAHM
Lois
Charlotte should call her local GBLTQ community health center and ask if there is a support group in her area that fits her situation. She might be surprised to find there already is one. If not, maybe she could start one. If there is no local one, perhaps even an online one will help. This is good advice for anyone going through something they find stressful or difficult. Being able to talk to others going through the same thing is very helpful. Best of luck to her.
It sounds like you did the best thing a friend can do. Talk honestly & candidly about your experiences, explain that hers may vary, and offer her a safe, non-judgmental space where she can talk openly and help guide her to working this out for herself, so that in the end she can take agency for her own decisions & know that they were the best she could make. Wow, a therapist and a true friend have a lot of similar job descriptions.
You're there for her. You're not judging, and you're not pressuring her to make a particular choice. I suspect that's a rare & precious thing in her life right now. What more can a true friend do?
It is still a big frieghtening world for gay people, compounded living in or being from the South.
My Husband & I have been a couple for 31+ years. It gets better. Best wishes from Portland, Oregon!