The little inside lock on the hotel room door allowed you to see outside an inch or so. I remember watching the roof from Westside Bowl peel off. I was talking to my husband in Nashville at the time. We had been separated for a couple of years by then and he had moved 2 days before the storm for a job there. “Everything’s fine. The kids are ok. The storm isn’t so bad”. I was a little bit scared but I figured we were ok as I watched the roof of the bowling alley fly away.
Well we were fine and after leaving our leftover food for the poor old couple who thought that restaurants were open and had no idea the extent of the damage, we left to see how the house was. Despite having to sneak into the parish (I was born here, those police can’t keep me out) we made it back home and realized the power would be out for weeks and there is nothing like August in New Orleans with no a/c. We ended up having to stay a few extra days because of our lost dog, (that’s a whole other post) and left with my girlfriend, her husband, 6 year old, my three kids, 12, 15, 17, Gandhi the dog, or Chewbacca on 4 legs as we called him, a cat and me. We left for Nashville on Sept 3rd. With a short stop to stay in a crack hotel in Birmingham where Gandhi got arrested (oh the irony) we made it to Music City 14 hours later.
We all squeezed into two rooms at the hotel my ex was in for a day or two. I was able to find my dad in Jackson, Ms but my brother was still missing. Needless to say we were staying numb with alcohol, but just the adult evacuees I promise. One of my ex’s new colleagues graciously offered the use his vacation home in Monteagle, TN. We all threw our stuff in the van and took off.
This vacation home was gorgeous, 5 bedrooms, 4 baths and two gourmet kitchens. Did I mention my girlfriend was a chef? It was a little disconcerting to watch my city underwater and people being saved by boat and helicopter while eating 3 gourmet meals a day. When she gets stressed, she cooks. Oh and drinks. Actually we all stayed pretty damn drunk. In fact the only friend we made in Monteagle was the liquor store owner which was great because did you know that some places have actual days when you can’t buy liquor? What’s up with that? The residents in this small town didn’t quite “get” us. It might have been the fact that the only clothes I had were the little hootchie mama shirts that I wore to work in the gallery. It’s the French Quarter and it’s freaking hot in the summer, give me a break. Oh, and the tattoos or two or three that we all have probably didn’t help. But they were all very nice when they realized we weren’t trying to bring anybody to the dark side.
I explain all of this to help you understand the real point of this post. I know all about the Food Pyramid. My girlfriend and I discovered the Great Alcohol Pyramid. I highly recommend this for anybody who finds themselves in this predicament. Here it is…………
Vodka-potatoes. Therefore your starch, and can be garnished with vegetable juice for a great Bloody Mary or a Bloody Bull so that you can get your requisite servings of meat and vegetables.
Bourbon-grain. Who needs bread?
Tequila-agave. From what I understand has protein and is just damn good for you. And burns too, which can happen when following this diet and cooking for the people following the regular Pyramid.
Sake-rice. Another grain. Being from New Orleans we like our rice.
Brandy-grapes, everyone needs like 4 or 5 servings a day.
Wine-grapes. See above. You can’t have too many servings of fruit.
Gin-juniper berries. I guess this is a fruit. Never been much of a gin drinker though.
Beer-malt. This we considered at the top of the pyramid, like dessert. Can’t drink too much but it is damn good.
In conclusion, I highly recommend my version of the pyramid when watching your city drown and not knowing where your friends and family are. Oh, and smoke as much pot as possible along with Xanax. Might not work for everybody but it certainly worked for me.