Here are my New Year's resolutions. I will be keeping them all. Because I am that good.
1. In the coming year, I will tell many social lies.
Yes, that dress looks lovely, and no, I totally don't mind! will pass my lips often. Inwardly, I will wish you would leave or wish you would finally realize that color of green makes you look bilious. But I won't tell you. Sorry! I am weak.
2. I will cheat on my diet.
I will, without fail, be cheating on my diet this year. If there's a reason to have a cookie, I will find it. If that piece of pie looks inviting, I will accept the invitation. Sorry. I like to eat.
3. I will occasionally skip going to the gym and loll in bed instead, listening to the rain and stretching comfortably. I might even turn over and go back to sleep.
4. I will lose my temper. I promise that I will get angry at you ... and you ... and also you. I will write cutting remarks and say plenty of things that I later regret. Like this post.
5. There will be bacon.
6. I resolve to finally admit I really hate cleaning my house. I'll continue to clean it but with much more bitterness than before, muttering as I gesture wildly with the top from the litter box.
7. I will burst into tears over some stupid thing at least once every few months. Then, I will eat chocolate.
8. I will lust over some random movie star but never meet them.
9. I will get annoyed with myself on a regular basis, but get angry when anyone else does.
10. I will occasionally go too fast in the car.
11. I will often squeeze the toothpaste from the top and use the toilet paper, instead of the kleenex, to blow my nose.
12. I will resolve to start a garden. But I will not actually do it.
13. I will resolve to relax more. But there won't be time to implement that.
14. My family will make me crazy.
15. I will write terrible things. I will write good things and then erase them.
16. I will adjust my underwear somewhere in public when I think no one is looking.
17. I will laugh when I see someone else adjusting his or her underwear in person when no one is looking.
18. I will love my daughter more and more everyday, but this will not stop me from making enormous mistakes as a parent.
19. I will occasionally be filled with self doubt.
20. I will drop the toast on the floor, pick it up, dust it off and still eat it.
21. I will long to hold your hand and wonder where you are. You are late.
22. I will lose weight, fall in love, finish my dissertation, be patient with my mother and father, forgive my friends and forgive myself.
23. Next year, I will hope I do better.