Currently wishing I didn't have to do any grading. Before that, graduate student and new mom. Now an actual Dr. of Something or Other and the Kid is two and some months. Before that, a Southern girl in the West. Now a Southern girl in the South, dreaming of being in the West. Before that, I can't remember. Still waiting for the flying car.


DECEMBER 31, 2009 6:36AM

Resolutions from a Loser

Rate: 43 Flag

Here are my New Year's resolutions. I will be keeping them all. Because I am that good.

 1. In the coming year, I will tell many social lies. 

Yes, that dress looks lovely, and no, I totally don't mind! will pass my lips often. Inwardly, I will wish you would leave or wish you would finally realize that color of green makes you look bilious. But I won't tell you. Sorry! I am weak.

2. I will cheat on my diet. 

I will, without fail, be cheating on my diet this year. If there's a reason to have a cookie, I will find it. If that piece of pie looks inviting, I will accept the invitation. Sorry. I like to eat. 

 3. I will occasionally skip going to the gym and loll in bed instead, listening to the rain and stretching comfortably. I might even turn over and go back to sleep.

 4. I will lose my temper. I promise that I will get angry at you ... and you ... and also you. I will write cutting remarks and say plenty of things that I later regret. Like this post. 

5. There will be bacon.

6. I resolve to finally admit I really hate cleaning my house. I'll continue to clean it but with much more bitterness than before, muttering as I gesture wildly with the top from the litter box. 

7. I will burst into tears over some stupid thing at least once every few months. Then, I will eat chocolate.

8. I will lust over some random movie star but never meet them. 

9. I will get annoyed with myself on a regular basis, but get angry when anyone else does.

10. I will occasionally go too fast in the car. 

11. I will often squeeze the toothpaste from the top and use the toilet paper, instead of the kleenex, to blow my nose.

12.  I will resolve to start a garden. But I will not actually do it.

13. I will resolve to relax more. But there won't be time to implement that.

14. My family will make me crazy. 

15. I will write terrible things. I will write good things and then erase them.

16. I will adjust my underwear somewhere in public when I think no one is looking. 

17. I will laugh when I see someone else adjusting his or her underwear in person when no one is looking. 

18. I will love my daughter more and more everyday, but this will not stop me from making enormous mistakes as a parent.

 19. I will occasionally be filled with self doubt.

20. I will drop the toast on the floor, pick it up, dust it off and still eat it. 

21. I will long to hold your hand and wonder where you are. You are late. 

22. I will lose weight, fall in love, finish my dissertation, be patient with my mother and father, forgive my friends and forgive myself. 

23. Next year, I will hope I do better. 

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feel free to add your own! It's important to be resolute.
I will have coffee...with friends.
I do love lists, and most of your resolutions could be mine, if i hadn't resolved not to make resolutions.
You're not a loser...just pragmatic.
Great list. Next year I will have more time to be on Open Salon and in real life ... I so wish...............
Happy New Year!
Love your list. Happy new year to you!
I resolve to look at midlife as an opportunity for change instead of crisis. But I will have my doubts.
I will eat tons of bacon, drink more coffee, and laugh more often.
And hug myself daily.
Very, very good resolutions. You really are that good!
I resolve to keep my cleaning service.

but why loser? you're not a loser.
okay...I'll add mine.

I will walk the dog. but I won't. my husband does that. I do the treadmill.

so I will do the treadmill more vigorously. with much incline. for a longer period. and the elliptical. I will DO the elliptical, even though I hate the fucking thing.

yes, I won't!
5, 10, 14, 18, 19 - Geez, you just made MY list!

I have no resolve. At all. And I resolve not to have any, either.

Thumbed. Happy New Year, Odette. Thanks for being here. :-D
You are not alone! Fun read. Good luck on the dissertation. That one is a monster to me.
Gosh. You don't sound like a loser. You sound like a human being. Love and hugs for 2010.
I resolve to keep telling it like it is...and this is a very good, practical, funny post!
This is good. Moving, even, besides funny and true.

But "20. I will drop the toast on the floor, pick it up, dust it off and still eat it. " not...jelly-side down? right?
Hey! The only reason I haven't been nagging you to write more on here is that you promised you needed the time to finish that dissertation.
If I may re-write this one just a little: 22. I will lose weight (not me!), fall in love (no way--too much trouble!), finish my dissertation (N/A), be patient with my mother and father (also N/A but only because they're dead--perhaps I could say I'll be more patient with my memories of them), forgive my friends and forgive myself (YES! Finally one I can hope to achieve!).

This is fun, Odette. Thanks! May only good things be yours in 2010! Rated. D

P.S. there's no such thing as too much bacon. Or chocolate. ;>)
Awwww, you're not a loser, Odette!
Half those things I already do!
Here's one of mine:

I will laugh more, at myself and others.

Not sure if that's possible, but I'll try my hardest.
What a great list. And if you only accomplish half the things in #22, you'll have an amazing year!
Great list--inspiring (especially the chocolate). I resolve to only spend one hour at OS a day.

Make that one hour on OS per hour.
You say you want a resolution?
ha! Harry, you are a genius.

BBE let me know I have an error in 17, and he's right! I mean 'public' not 'person' but ... what was I thinking there that caused that ... a slip of the mind ... Live and In Person! Individual Pulling Something Out His Butt!

Well, that DOES happen.

By the way, BBE, I completely like this idea of bacon and chocolate. Is it possible? I don't see why not.
four minutes of OS per week,
and call everyone a bacon lover,
and a lier says they no eat bacon,
chocolate ice cream for breakfast,
and if out of bath tissue for noses,
do the rural farmer rocket go goo.

So - if Ya flunk blogs, use signature.
Forge Ya Mommy and Pa Pa names.
if we conk and go to heaven?
We get a Lexus. Amish honey?
a heaven chore of diaper duty?

We get paid in wet candy kisses?
Get a panic attack at pearl gates?
I am not sure. I root for the Cubs?

Yankees are all socialist from NYC?
I say that after listening to the Guest.

Guest ate blueberry chocolate pancakes.
The NYC Guest may anticipate a whore.
They need to loiter at the BP gas station.
Number 5 is something I'm definitely in agreement on.
Also, Zyskandar, your comment is excellently true. They will always be little girls in pigtails. That is right and true. Even when they are grown women with babies of their own. :)
Love them all. Clever piece.
I'm just trying to get my act together.
I resolve to call myself loser more often.
A loser who is this self aware is no loser, and this post is inspiring. I resolve to regularly swear at inanimate devices that I'm too stupid to operate.

Hapyy New Year!
Boyd, excellent! Name-calling of one's self is one of my resolutions, too.

I resolve to call myself an 'idiot' and a 'loser' and a 'butthole' every time I actually am and even on some occasions when I am not. Mainly when I can't find the car keys though.
BBE, if you made those for me, I would be your willing slave.

Art, I adore you completely. I want to get paid in wet candy kisses.
These are all so good, Odette, but the one I hope you don't keep is number 12. There's nothing like a garden to cure what ails you. Start small, one tiny little patch. Then you and the kid and even HWIH can revel in it, any old time you want. Do it! And, Happy New Year...
I will be mildly intolerant of those who are wildly intolerant of others and feel sheepish about it
BBE stole my response: there will be chocolate covered bacon!
You're really an overachiever with #22, aren't you? P. S. You bring the bacon, I'll bring the chocolate. :)

Happy New Year, girl!
All these years I've been fooled into thinking you had to make a different sort of resolution! Why isn't my brain more nimble, like yours? If I'd been making these sorts of resolutions all along - it pains me to think how much therapy I might have avoided.
I think these are all wonderful! and true......Loved them..
I resolve to leave the dishes until morning.

Also, to order delivery when I am too grouchy to cook something wholesome.

Ah. Now I feel better. Happy New Year! Thanks for the inspiration!
I love this . . . Paws for #20! Hehehe.

I like the one about rolling back over and going to sleep. OH, and the bacon.
Love this, and love these.
If I knew where you were, and I was near, I'd be resolute to meet you. You sound like someone I'd like to meet and go do all those resolute things with. Well, some of them anyway, the others I too, will do alone.
I love this list...resonated with the getting angry part. I can get pissy crazy angry and I vow each time to never do it again. I'll blame it on the damn hormones. I also resolve to start a garden...it may become a necessity. Happy New Year!
Holy moly - I have been laughing OUT LOUD through this whole thing. "muttering as I gesture wildly..." Oh man. Sooo funny!!! You are a DOLL!
This is wonderfully entertaining. Can I just copy your list? It seems a perfect fit for me.