I'm not back. I swear. But that post I left up is so depressing.

Here's a repost to take the place of my "Nashville is wee bit wet" post.

 It's about endings. I've retooled only a tiny amount.

And I'll even add a new one at the end for my own pleasure. 

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(originally posted on September 10, 2009)

I don't know what force took me over on the drive to work this morning, but whole cloth, these ridiculous ENDINGS sprang into my head. Perhaps you can find the beginnings of them. Perhaps you have your own endings to add. 

 Here they are:

#1.  But, in the end, the people of Earth had no reason to fear them. Though they were fierce, the inhabitants of the invading planet J'aiao'siodss A did not realize that their masterful deathray, the Scourge of 20,000 Solar Systems (tm) would be a failure here.  

For, when blasted onto the forms of the creatures who called themselves "humans," instead of killing them, it rearranged their cells, making them all return to the primal state of 25 years of age. Their invading forces were being immortalized as heroes by the people of Earth, and the entire planet was rushing to "get done" as they put it. 

"It's a demoralizing situation," said Aifaohfaoi'noo, wiping the slime from his eyes and rubbing it into his thorax. "We should have done more product testing on real life specimens. But we thought for the longest time that the primary, ruling creature was that thing they call a 'cow.' A waste of time and glubnar. I think we will have to retreat. What a shame we could not defeat them."

#2.  Penny reached her room and closed the door in relief. "What a day!" she thought, as she put away her backpack and flopped wearily onto the bed. After stretching comfortably for a moment, she got back up, went to her closet and retrieved the AK47 and the giant bubble machine. "Better to be safe than sorry!" she said, as she slipped them into the bed beside her. 

#3. The ex-leaders of the country slipped into the dusky boardroom and began removing their human masks from their wart-like faces. "We have lost!" one exclaimed. "No!" said another. "We still have the media with us!"

Little Carol Jane, sitting in the closet, recording the whole thing on her cell phone camera thought, "Wow. Aliens from another planet. This will be a neat story for show and tell."

Then, the most wart-ish one reached for the closet door. It opened. The ex-leaders screamed in anger and reached for the little pigtailed girl with their spiny claws. But, little Carol Jane, who was actually only disguised as a little girl, but was really from the planet AJFIA RUC, was forced to devour them all in one gulp. 

Rubbing her stomach, she left the room, burped loudly in the corridor and sighed with annoyance. After a moment's thought, she decided to leave this part out of her report to her superiors. After all, this mission was only supposed to be about gathering data.

Then, she joined the rest of her second grade class to see the rest of the Capitol. What a fun trip it was that day!

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And one new one!

#4. It was still a complete shock when the BP representatives and executives went to Hades after all. With the flames licking at their feet, and the only other choice a giant vat of oil into which they had to jump in and drown over and over again, for eternity, one said, "I don't get it. I mean, it wasn't my fault!" The others were too busy milling about looking confused to talk much, in a fairly similar manner to the lives that they lived on Earth, except for the one that said, "Ha! I lived to be 98! And I was rich! So what, if we're in hell!! Ouch! Hey! That hurts. Uh-oh." Only one had the sense to say, "That vat of oil ... is that supposed to be ironic or what? Ouch. I guess not." 

 Looking down from Heaven, the pelicans snickered before tooling off for a nice day at the Heavenly Shores beach, where the drinks were always free.