About ten years ago I sat in my cube and wondered what was wrong with Susie. She was a good employee, conscientious, hard working, committed, and a good trainer. But lately she has been resistant, and withdrawn. She was refusing to complete work assignments that involved writing, and I couldn't understand why.
I set up a meeting to talk with her. It was clear she was uncomfortable. She sat with arms crossed, and wouldn't make eye contact. We got into the discussion about her not completing writing assignments. Susie, shifted in her chair. Her brow furrowed, her face became red and she said, "I can't complete the assignment."
I asked her why, and her response was, "I'm not a good writer." I asked, "Why do you say that?" She said, "I don't want to talk about it."
"Look Susie, I need to understand what's going on. This is the first time I've seen you this upset about anything I've asked you to do. I believe you can do this and do it well. I really don't understand what's going."
There was a long pause. Her head hung down, in what looked like shame. I knew if I stayed silent, she would share this with me. We sat quietly for about three minutes, which in silence terms, is like an eternity.
She took a deep breath, and exhaled. Then she said, "This is not going to be easy for me. My last supervisor, Mary, asked me to write something for her. I was really nervous. I spent a lot time thinking about what she wanted and put several hours of effort into it. When I finished it, I went to her office and gave it to her."
Susie, was trying to control her emotions. I couldn't tell if it was anger or tears she was holding back. She went on. "Mary read it." Susie paused and pulled a page from her legal pad. Holding the paper in her hand, she said, "Then Mary looked at me and said 'I can't possibly use this.'"
As she quoted Mary, Susie crumpled the paper in her hand into a ball, and dropped the paper ball into a trash can, simulating what Mary had done.
I was absolutely stunned. Stunned at the humiliation Susie had endured at the hands of her former supervisor, Mary. I spent the next fifteen minutes apologizing for the callous treatment of my predecessor, and listening to Susie express the dread that I would do exactly the same thing to her.
I was blown away, that she would think that about me, but I could also understand her fear. Mary, never gave her any feedback, or any opportunity to improve. Mary never gave her another writing assignment. It crushed Susie's potential and self esteem.
Well, it was a turning point in our working relationship, as well as Susie's ability to improve her writing. She finished the assignment, and took more risks to expand her knowledge and experience. When I left the company a couple of years later, Susie and her peers took me out to lunch and gave me a brass clock, which sits on my desk today.
Note: Susie and Mary are not their real names.
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Comments
I had one woman who got about as rattled as your employee, unfortunately. Had a bright guy whom I used to nag for wasting a lot of time hanging around others' cubicles.
What he was doing was helping them with edits because he was a good writer.
Humbled the shit out of me. They were too afraid of me to go to me, so they were leaning on him.
But if you have such a lack of self confidence that you're going to crawl up into a little ball when someone tells you that she can't use what you've put together, then you've got a problem.
Mary needs to learn how to give constructive feedback. And it sounds like she is a real bitch.
But Susie needs to get some guts, and courage, and self esteem. She needs to be able to say, okay, now that you've made a big show about not being able to use what I've put together, what would you have me do differently?
That's what I've done every single time I've been spoken to about something I did which didn't work out well. I flat out ask, okay, so we know I did something wrong. Great. Now, what would YOU have done in that situation?
Now guess who the pressure is on? Not you. Your boss. Now THEY have to come up with something. And if they can't, well, guess what?
They pretty much have to retract what they said about you.
them on to Susie. This is a good lesson to keep in mind, for
everyone all the time. Be kind.
Cartouche -- As I watched women managers in my career, manage other women, I am amazed how they treat women.
Some have their favorites, sycophants actually, but giving opportunity to other women is not the norm. Is it not wanting to appear "soft" to their male counterparts, or not wanting to shine a light on some other woman with potential, because opportunities for advancement are so few? Maybe other women who run businesses can answer this.
kitehlips -- thanks. Bad bosses are race and gender neutral.
Mom -- thanks. It takes one to know one.
Geoff -- humbling is right, man!
Tony -- you make a good counterpoint. Your premise is situational, based on company culture, education and experience.
Standing up for yourself was not acceptable behavior at this company. There were not many employers in the area, so you have STFU and take the abuse. That's the way the world works, wake up and smell the coffee, particularly in today's environment of fear.
Con -- I bet he had no idea he did anything "wrong" when he chucked that book at you or why you left, either. Thanks for the comment.
Trig -- and you asked me the other day why I work in management? Good question.
Jimmymac -- I respectfully have to disagree with you. There are no negative consequences for these people. Many, including Mary, get promoted and rewarded for this abusive behavior. This just drives morale, for good managers who don't get these job opportunities, and front line employees who suffer under these incompetents into the toilet.
Granted, each company has its own style and own way of doing things. But about a year into this current position, after no other complaints about my work, my boss calls me into his office to yell at me that he was EMBARRASSED to see "all the mistakes" in a draft that was sent to our parent company. Um, their only edit was to change "to" to "in" and that was a judgement call, not a mistake.
Then the next three jobs I brought him, one-page documents, he took the paper, handed it back to me without even glancing at it, and told me to go proof it again. Oh, that really makes me feel his confidence!!
Poets, for instance, have a tendency to criticize each other with incredible evilness. Words like "prosaic" or a condescending "Aw. good try! too bad you failed" with the emphasis on 'try', ugh. (I know it's a massive generalization about writers, but dang! it SEEMS true.)
Rated
Rated for sensible management, a rare commodity.
juli -- What's the purpose for this? Do people have to endure abuse to be a better writer? That's alot of hydrogen sulfide which is a polite scientific term for horse poop.
sao kay -- Arrogance is learned behavior, not something you're born with. I'm at a loss. Susie turned things around by taking a risk and telling me. I just coached her.
Bill Beck -- you must have been absent during the prevention of threat of violence training we had. Mary got promoted twice before leaving to become a "consultant." Gruesome isn't it?
Odette -- thanks for the feedback. Why do writers do this? and poets, ye gods?
Dylan -- this can happen in any organization.
Blue -- well said.
Boanerges1 -- misfortune? sounds like you did well.
I've been in writing workshops where I've seen, and experienced, terrible criticism, ranging from eye-rolling in the person's face to making fun of the poems outside of the workshop, where the other person could hear. Also, I've seen friends stop being friends with each other when one of them is unexpectedly talented. It's okay, evidently, to be friends with someone when they are clearly less talented than you are. What a shock to discover that person is better.
And the sabotaging ... it's ridiculous. Catty remarks, nasty little cuts couched as a compliment. "I love this writing but you know, is it really 'real'?" or "Lovely work. Very 'pretty.' But it's too bad it couldn't be about a subject that is more important." with full on quote marks by the hands.
My least favorite is "You suck!" followed by "Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry" (not sorry that he/she hurt you or isn't giving you an substantive feedback but sorry that you suck) and a hug. Really ridiculous stuff. But pretty common practice for anyone who attends a writers' workshop that isn't well policed by the professor/writer who is teaching it.
It can send some of the uber-talented running away, never to show their work again.
This is how people change, improve.
Listen, encourage, give them time, respond to what is good/progress/attempted, listen, encourage again, etc.
Criteria, standards, and critiques are useful and necessary, but people improve because they feel encouraged to improve. And are given the space to do so. Not because they are humiliated.
Compact, moving, and very coherent piece about writing. Well done.
Rated for being a good boss.
FR -- thanks very much,
Greg -- the specifics of your comments validate my hard work. You have to create a safe environment for people to improve.
SuznMarie -- I am an extrovert. Keeping quiet for more than 15 seconds at a time is hard for me. The length of time keeping silent was excruciating for me, but it was worth it.
Somyr -- Thanks for the kind words. It didn't happen overnight.
I missed your comment earlier. Thanks for reading this.
Connie Mack -- Thanks for the compliment. I'll return it by saying I'd enjoy working with you, too!
Susanne -- Some of it is just mean spirited behavior.
you did the right thing. being humane and sensitive in leadership always pays rich dividends in the long run. probably you are who you are because you have received good 'leading' yourself...what a person experiences in his own life affects the way he/she looks at other people. if someone has been loved and appreciated, they tend to do it for others more easily. perhaps Mary never experienced kindness/consideration in her life, so she never learned, may not be her fault totally, she needs to be 'handled' with care by her boss...liked both your posts written this week. thanks.
Good on you!
"I thought this was going to be about grad school. Talk about being destroyed: ostensibly paying for the privilege of being publicly humiliated."
word!
You did well. Hell, not just well, superb. I've managed people for 25 years now and handling people like they are real, good, intelligent human beings with a conrtibution to make is ALWAYS the best, even for that 20% of the problematic employee. I model my management style after the late Colonel David Hackworth who knew instinctively how to treat human beings. His style of managing his soldiers during Korea and Vietnam earned him incredibly deep respect and admiration from his soldiers. However, it rubbed the brass idiots above him the wrong way, who, like Susie's ex supervisor, managed people through intimidation, humiliation and fear. Hopefully Mary either learned how to manage people or lef management for a carreer on an assembly line.
Colonel Hackworth left the Army after an illustrious carreer which started at 16 when he lied about his age to enlist. He was so fed up with the way the war in Vietnam was being handled and how the soldiers were treated as cannon fodder he left, broken-hearted.
If you ever ant to read a book that'll teach you, not like all the lame self-help nonsense out there but through an honest example, grab "About Face," Colonel Hackworth's memoires. Incredible reading.
I've managed people before . The people who worked for me knew I would tell them exactly what I thought, and I wasn't going to sugarcoat it. If they screwed up, I'd tell them. A lot of times, I didn't have to tell them, they knew.
My attitude was always like, okay, we know you did something wrong. Now let's fix it. Tell me how you're going to fix the problem and don't ever make that mistake again.
I had a situation similar to what Susie dealt with, and I said, okay, Bob (not his real name) you know I can't go to the meeting with this. It's full of errors and the charts are all wrong. So what are we going to do in order to fix it? This belongs in here -- and I tossed the presentation into the recycle bin. You know it, I know it, and they sure as hell are going to know it if I go to the meeting with this.
What are we going to do?
Bob said he would fix it, no matter how long it took. I asked him if he wanted help, and he said no, it was his fault, he would do it.
I showed up at 8:30 the next morning, and a corrected and fixed presentation was in my email. And it was perfect. Not one error.
I have to agree with a couple of folks who pointed out that behaving like an insulted teenager doesn't go very far in dealing with problems. You saved her bacon that time, and hopefully she got out of using that method of crying for help.
There are so many destructive people who come up with the silliest excuses and tricks for discouraging others, that the only defenses available are perseverance and inner strength.
Or making their lives a living hell until they stop the madness.
M -- Professor Kingsfield in the Paper Chase must come to mind: Here's a dime. Call your mother and tell her you won't become a lawyer, in front of the whole class.
Delia -- All I did was give her chance and provided some coaching. She did it herself.
Hip -- It's all about the after action report, isn't it. Be careful out there ok?
CB -- Thanks for reading and commenting.
Cindy -- Thanks for the compliment. I've never worked in a paragraph factory. Is it a good gig?
Totz -- thanks for sharing your story. I've had a lot of people cry in my office over the years. now on my blog, too.
Bubba -- My esteem of Texans and Texas grow as I get to know you better. thanks.
o'stephanie -- No that job is not for me, but I appreciate the compliment. I can't keep my mouth shut, and I always want to problem solve.
rated.
Bob -- thanks for the reading selection. I had a mentor probably in the same mold as your Colonel. he, too, lied about his age to enlist. Glad you enjoyed the post.
Mr. Mustard -- Yeah, now she's a management development consultant. yikes.
Tony -- I get where you're coming from and I would enjoy working with you. No BS, and you lay your thoughts out there on the line.
Some people I've worked with would say you're too abrasive or direct, but I know where I would always stand with you. I respect that.
Zuma -- I'm not a big fan of revenge, but when the mighty finally fall, and they do, I stop and watch it happen and enjoy it, when I know I shouldn't.
Bo -- you're welcome.
smithery -- thanks for stopping by.
Even "natural" writers need practice to get truly good, and they need encouragement to entice them to practice. It's such a personal, emotional art and it can take one nasty comment to derail a sensitive soul. You should be proud of yourself for salvaging this young girl's ego!