I always try to maintain a sense of decorum and professionalism in the workplace. There are times however, where I would like to speak out the thoughts that remain in my head. A filter, guided by the light of experience, has been effective from preventing me from doing so. Over the course of my career I've thought about saying the following to coworkers, bosses and direct reports (Disclaimer-- this has nothing to do with my current position):

Perhaps if you hadn't been such a pompous ass, you wouldn't be looking at turnover problems in your organization.

I don't really care how much of a pay cut you took to be my new boss. You still get ten times the bonus I get.

Your definition of diversity is hiring people of color only as long as they went to Harvard.

Thanks, dear colleague, for throwing me under the bus at the last staff meeting. You have zero credibility with the group now, and if you are ever out at sea flailing, we will all find the heaviest object we can and toss it to you.

The only difference between you and a sack of manure is that the sack of manure doesn't lie.

Do you think you can deliver on time and on budget one IT project ?Ever?

You wouldn't recognize talent if it walked up and kissed you on the lips.

If you spent as much time on your job as you did on your cell phone, you'd be a high performer.

If you hate working here so much, why don't you leave? Like right now.

Don't worry, I'm sure you'll live up to my expectations on account that I am not expecting very much.

You could mess up an erotic dream.

If you weren't the owner's son, you'd be in an institution somewhere.

You must have gotten an "A" in sociopathy, at Harvard Business School.

If you have to put a lover on the payroll, don't punish us by making him come to work every day.  Have himwork from home. That where he is adding value, right?

Hey idiot boss, work smarter, not harder.

After you ignored the input of others and your project tanked, you want my help? So you can take the credit? Not on your life.

Make a freaking decision....sometime!

Please donate your body to science...and don't wait until you are dead.

That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

You are the most insufferable individual I have ever met.

Cockroaches have a better moral compass than you.

Leaving your company has made me the happiest man on the face of the earth.

If it weren't for your sarcasm, monumental ego, and complete lack of ethics, you'd be nothing.

Stick this status report where the sun doesn't shine.

No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Don't you understand what that means?

I think you best equipped to be test bulletproof vests. That is a career path we all wish you chosen.

Best of luck in your new position. I can wait to see how you make your new boss's life completely miserable. I never like him much, either.

Santa Claus is a myth.   

Oooh I feel so much better now!