It's interesting to notice how dependent we are upon money. Sort of like the parables about the fish in or out of water, we are so accustomed to money's ubiquitous presence in our lives that it's not something most of us ever consider doing without. But for the last few weeks I have been doing without it, and it's been immobilizing.

Late last week I had a break through. My dad's bank decided to accept an Affidavit of Heirship and released the small amount left in his banking account to me and my sister. What a change! I was able to buy a few things I will need for my new home, and even to meet two different friends for a meal and an evening out.

It's a little disconcerting, this radical dependence on money. Without it, I was stuck. I couldn't put gas in my car, so literally moving about (other than another walk in my sister's neighborgood) became impossible. Then, as if by magic, the whole world of Tulsa and beyond opened up to me. I visited an art showing and listened to some live music; I went to church; I went shopping. 

And now, joy of joys, I am planning my first little retreat since all the stresses of the last couple of months. By the end of the week, I will be hiking and soaking afterward in the cool water of sulphur springs. Thinking, writing, and reading with no interrruptions. It seems a crime that money is required for any of us to have access to such simple pleasures.

Money: it's just energy, some people say. Another form of energy -- a tangible one. That certainly seems true in this world. And as a result of this experience I think I understand more about activities related to money that I haven't embraced much in the past. Like saving. If money is akin to energy, then saving it is like resting. We need to conserve energy and replenish it so that we have ample in store for those precious moments of exercise, work and ecstatic play. When the flow of energy (or money) stops, stagnation sets in and that leads to depression(s). Balancing the incoming and outgoing flow of money helps keep life moving. It shouldn't require money to move life forward, but in this world we've created, it does.

But the point of these potential new behaviors with money, at least for me, isn't security, or some attempt at establishing it. It is clear to me that security of that kind is an illusion. It's the Big Lie our consumer culture tells each of us. The actions of millions of people establish our financial markets and their behavior, right down to the value of each dollar -- something over which you or I as individuals have no control.

Security, as I understand it, comes from something much deeper and more personal than money can ever be. It comes from knowing a deep, still place inside that is timeless, ageless and divine. It comes from the soul. I'm certain I will experience more "security" from soaking in the sulphur springs and walking through the ancient woods around them than I ever will from my bank account. In the woods I will remember who, what, and why I am. And I will know that the energy flowing through me is a free gift of grace from the universe, and that there are no limits on my becoming.