JANUARY, 2011  - IN THE BATCAVE

Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Karl Rove are in a bunker somewhere near the Arctic Circle hundreds of feet below the surface.  They've met here in secret to plot out the arc of history.  And with old new lefty's miraculous bugging technology (and the National Security Agency at my beck and call) I've finally gone through channels to declassify for you the following:

 RUSH:  Sarah Palin's sure a comer right now as far as the presidential election.

BILL:  Palin?  Forget about it!  She's toast.  The bimbo doesn't have the brains of a wet paper bag, and she's a speed freak to boot.  Loves those diet pills, I gotta tell ya!  Did you ever see the diet she feeds her family?  No wonder Bristol's a blimp.  And besides, the boys at Fox have more than enough goods on her.  She'll be lucky to keep some of her TV jobs.

KARL:  Well, what are we going to do about the presidential nomination?

RUSH:  I've got a great idea.  Why don't we pump up Donald Trump's balloon for a few weeks?

KARL: Great! That ought to provide a little comic entertainment for a few weeks, and then what?

BILL:  My suggestion is that we get all of the crazies out of the woodwork early.  Make them #1 for a time, and then pull out the rug from underneath them, one by one.

RUSH: So after Michele, then who do we pimp (OOPS!) pump up?

KARL:  The obvious candidate is Rick Perry.  When he was Governor of Texas, the party had him campaigning in Sodomy Slough instead of Dallas, Houston, or any other big city.  He's so dumb, he makes George look smart.  I say, we can bleed all the action from him for one month before he gets hopped up on weed before a big speech.  Back pain, you know.  (everyone laughs).

BILL:  Then after Perry, who's on the ondeck circle?

KARL:  The obvious choice is Herman Cain.  Boy, has that guy got a skirt problem!  He makes Bill Clinton look like a choir boy.  Cain's got charisma, and that will jack up the ratings for a month before his dirty sheets hit the fan.

RUSH:  Is Santorum next?

KARL:  Are you crazy? Mr. Homophobe is so outer space, there's no way we can sell his cheese!

BILL:  Same with Huntsman.  Who wants a Communist on the GOP ticket?

RUSH:  So that leaves Newt Gingrich, eh?

KARL: Precisely.  I know.  It'll be a lot of heavy lifting, but if we tweak just the right press organs, we can give the Newtster a few weeks in the sun.

BILL:  And then everybody can pile on his old baggage, and he's done for.  Easy.

KARL:  So right before the Iowa Caucus, we can even wheel out Ron Paul.  That satisfies the libertarians.  Maybe Paul can win Iowa, or maybe he'll come in second.

RUSH:  Well, that is some distance down the road.  We've got plenty of time to think about.

KARL: So, we're all in agreement on this?  (everyone shakes their heads yes.) After Iowa, it's all the way with Romney.

BILL:  Just a few strategically timed endorsements, and the sheep will follow.

RUSH: Precisely.