Forty years ago I was 20, 6ft. tall and weighed in about 170lbs. Thirty years ago at 30, I was 5'11"- 6' tall depending on which leg I happened to be favoring at the time and weighed 170lbs. At 40, same height, and then started to weigh somewhere between 175- 185lbs. Then the big five-O hit and I was nibbling at 200lbs.

   This wouldn't startle most people my age, but I have always tried to keep myself in top physical shape. Mainly for my job ( although my job continually took a heavy toll on my body ) and for myself. But now since I have retired and not as active as I use to be, shit is happening. Scary shit!

   My wife being a nurse and all, contributed it to me also having major surgery ( twice ) and having to take it easy was contributing to my weight gain. She also said I was still her stud muffin, then made a chortle noise out of her nose and smiled. I think she is lying because she didn't address all the other things freaking me out. I'll start from the top of my head and work down. Weight yesterday at doctor......234 POUNDS!!!!

MY HEAD: This is the most exposed and viewed part of the human body. Mine has done some very strange things the last 10 years. My hair seems to be disappearing on the top of my head. The wife said the shower drain is making a wig for itself. I myself don't believe it's falling out, it is just growing out of my ears and nose now, at a surprising rate I might add. The young lady who cuts my hair told me explicitly that she would glady trim my ears but my nose would cost extra and it might be uncomfortable. Visions of her performing this in my head with any of the objects available around her, I declined. She added they have nose trimmers for men available. Bet you the guy who invented that is a Kajillionaire.

   My facial hair has become rather disturbing also. The once brown mustache ( which I have had for forty years, except when I had to shave it off to alter my appearance ) is now sporting at least five different colors. Gray, white, red, brown and sometimes yellow. These colors can also change depending on what I have eaten. Won't go into that. Sometimes I will have a beard or goutee but not that often. The people in airports and jets stare at me alot and look like they are talking to their shirt, some of them are armed.

MY EYES: For most of my life I have had good vision, 20/20. Then suddenly one day I thought my arms had became shorter. Oh yeah, the one time my ex-wife sprayed bug spray in my eyes. She said it was an accident, but she also was holding a garden claw in her other hand, accident my ass. So I went to the eye doctor and he examined me and determined I was getting old. Charged me $50 for that useless information, and $275 for no line bifocals. It would have been nice if he would of included warning information also for the $50. Like when going down a flight of stairs not to look all the way down in your glasses because that is not really where the stairs and your feet are. You can view injuries sustained go to,  www.f*%$ingbifocals/emergencyroom.com

MY FACE AND NECK SKIN: I have to say I'm aging pretty good in this department. I came to this conclusion after seeing a picture of Keith Richards. I read the accompaning article because I thought he had died. He didn't, holy crap.

MY CHANGING TORSO: This part of me held up great thanks to regular exercise and physical training for the better part of 45 years. This even after breaking my collarbone 3 times, 7 ribs ( 2 of them three times ), fracturing my back twice without knowing ( because they didn't find that when it happened and they had healed themselves ) and a compressed lumbar ( with degenerative disc disease and stenosis, which is what I just had surgery for in March ) and other minor things. Nope things just seem to be deflating and inflating southward. My once envied pecks, let's just say I was out by the pool the other day and my youngest daughter walked by and mentioned she might have one of her training bra's still. She apparently has been spending way to much time with Michelle ( who nose snorted again ) from across the way.

   My six-pack abs now fluctuate between 12 and 15 packs, depending on how long I can hold my breath. Also I have developed " DUNLOP DISEASE," this happens when your gut lops over your belt. You also have to hang your cell phone somewhere other than your belt, and favor expandable waist clothing. But I'm working on it by instructing my physical therapist to become physical trainer half the time. They're getting paid enough.

Some of my recent weight gain can be attributed to inactivity and the fact I love to eat and cook, well. Other contributing factors ( I secretly get stoned and just don't care because I can ) my retirement and body has some major miles on it. On to the other parts!

MY ARMS: We use to make fun of ladies arms that flapped in the wind on the back side. Mine are starting to do that, a little. Don't make fun. The other day I was in the park walking and passed one of those children playground things. No one was around ( especially mean children ) so I thought, " I'll try some pull-ups." One.......One......ughhhhONE. Looked around the vicinity to make sure no one was looking, and walked away, dignity intact. That was pitiful I thought. My arms hurt for 2 days.

The Next Part: I don't look at my butt, but I am sure if something was wrong with it Michelle would have made fun of it by now. No complaints there either. Moving on.

THOSE LEGS: What are you going to do with those legs. That was a frequent question posed to me daily in my youth. I was skinny and tall and weighed less than everybody. So it seemed. But all that changed when I went in the military. I actually developed muscles and could run. It was amazing. Working out, wearing tight jeans. Then people ( I guess they were jealous ) started damaging them. On my thighs scars and skin are running about even. My lower and calves are devoid of hair in wide swaths due to grafting skin from there to put back on my thighs. Broken all bones in both, some a couple of times. Right thigh blown in half once and had surgery to fix it 5 times. It works okay but not as good as it use too. Less as I age. Shot in the left thigh at the knee and it went up my thigh, through my butt and nicked my spine. It works okay but not as good as it use too. Ankles and feet don't ask but they still work.

SUMMARY: I still look tremendous in Armani. I am married to a gorgeous knock-out of a Redhead. I have two very beautiful daughters. I'm retired and don't have to please anybody ( except those mentioned above daily ) if I don't want to. There is no reason for me to be vain. I have never had or ever will wear a thong. 

   But I do know this! As each of us age graciously, our body will not do the same. But you can help it along with proper diet and exercise. Get out and take a walk, do things around the house. Smoke pot if you got it. Do something at least once everyday that you enjoy. The best advice I got about all of this came from my oldest daughter Andrea, at least she will tell me if I look stupid in something. " Who gives a shit Daddy, your rich, retired and you got the three of us, just work on sticking around to enjoy it." Out of the mouths of babes.

   To all my friends here on OS aging graciously, be well, be happy, and try to be healthy. We got things to stick around for. older/exasperated