Nothing is ever right for the whiner, whose sole purpose for logging into Facebook is to share his or her misery. “I couldn't sleep last night. The world is a swirling, swirling pit of despair into which I am sinking.” Normally, in a crowded party, you would do well to avoid this individual, because if you show the least bit of compassion, they will latch onto you for the whole night and prevent you from mingling with others, but fortunately on FB, you can do your best to get them to laugh or to console them with a few words, before moving on to happier pages.
"Oh no! The milk it has spilled. My life is a whirling, whirling pit of despair!"
The sole purpose the grandstander logs into Facebook is to tell everyone how wonderful his or her life is, thus making some people feel inspired, while making others feel like poo. Their disastrous effect on the whiner is noteworthy. “Charles, the children and I have just returned from a year in Zimbabwe, helping to make wells, so the locals could have fresh water. During that time we did the no-diaper method with Zoey, who is now potty trained at one and Zachary learned to read at three. He's now reading Crime and Punishment. What have you all been up to?”
"No accidents for little Zoey here! When not tackling Crime and Punishment, Zachary enjoys a fifteen mile bike ride."
The sole purpose the hypochondriac logs on is to see if some long-lost high-school acquaintance can diagnose his current ailment. “Woke up today and there is a green spot on the tip of my penis. It is oozing and very sore to the touch. Also one of my toe nails fell off yesterday. Not sure if this is related.” Such posts worry others and are simply gross. If the person is truly tactless and does not care if you are eating breakfast while checking your Facebook, he or she will post a photo. Such a person will get responses galore. Don't forget another type, not mentioned here, is the “amateur doctor.” “Rinse the area with apple cider vinegar. Stand on one leg for an hour while singing O Canada. Should clear up soon.”
Ew! I'm eating here! Get this image out of my brain!!
The Bon Mot
The bon mot simply makes everyone feel stupid. He or she is busy making witticisms. “Tried to put the slipcover on the sofa today and it was like putting a wetsuit on a hippo.” The bon mot will slip wit in wherever and whenever possible. Your own posts will be taken over by the blazing fire of witticisms and repartee. At the party, the Bon Mot seems quite popular, but people are secretly wishing that a sharp wit recklessly and selfishly wielded would cut the user.
I never knew Voltaire (he lived centuries before me.) He was not a friend of mine due to us living in different eras. You sir, are no Voltaire.
People are starving and dying on this planet. The Cause-Monger wants you to feel personally bad about it. You can sign a petition, but you must still feel guilt to be sitting at your computer, safe from war and famine, with your cup of coffee in hand “Think of the children....”
"What have you done for the planet lately, you lazy American fat ass!"
There are many more types of Facebook personalities, but these are a few of the most prevalent. Think of it as a big party in an uncomfortable room without any hors d'oevres. So pour a cup of coffee or wine. Get yourself some cheetos or whatever your sin is. I'll be hanging with the Bon Mots. Then I'll mosey over to the Grandstanders. I'll drop some consolation and love to the Whiner. Tell the Hypochondriac that what he has looks mighty painful and that he should see the doctor, whom he is afraid of. I'll listen to the Cause-Monger and agree, if I agree. Then, if it all becomes too much, I'll retreat to the corner of the room, take the lampshade off the lamp, put it on my own head and become the lamp.
Photo by Michael Kitchin - BE THE LAMP