After reading Lea Lane’s post, The Abuser, it brought to mind a time in my past when I suffered at the hands of an abuser. I am a living testimony that women can be eternally hopeful creatures, always seeing the best in others.
Perhaps it is something genetic or maybe environmental, but women want to believe in the inate goodness of others and that is what abusers bank on. Having been a victim myself and later a volunteer at the shelter that helped me to escape my circumstances, I learned a few things along the way that can apply to male and female victims, but this will be told from a woman’s point of view:
- Be wary of anyone who seems too good to be true. They will shower you with love, affection and things in their quest to win your heart. Or will try to usher you into a quick commitment, because isn't that 'romantic'? I am a big advocate of romance, but I think the mistake women make is to not temper those expectations with a dose of reality.
- Abusers/opportunists can smell desperation/loneliness from a mile away and they will exploit it. When we are lonely, we tend to overlook or rationalize negative things that are obvious to others. Sometimes when our friends caution us about someone, it’s not because they are jealous and want that gem of a man of yours, it’s because they aren’t looking at the guy through rose colored glasses. They are on the outside which sometimes offer a very clear 360 degree perspective.
- Beware of Jekyll/Hyde personalities. If your man’s personality changes as often as the second hand of a clock, there is a problem. Abusers can be as charming as they are deadly. You can never predict what will set them off, so you begin a downward spiral into submission so that you won’t ‘upset’ them. You could be Mother Teresa and it wouldn’t make a difference, you can’t love them into wellness. You can’t make them better. They have to recognize that they have a problem and go about getting help for it.
- Watch out for men who try to monopolize and dictate your time. Some women find it extremely complimentary that he cares so much about her that he wants a daily play by play. Being in a relationship does not mean that you lose a part of yourself. Relationships should add to, not subtract from the human experience. If your relationship is looking more like Riker’s Island instead of the Virgin Islands….put on your Nike’s and run!
- If you don’t have enough self respect to get out for your own safety, do it for your kids. Children learn what they live. If they see that you are willing to put up with such behavior, it becomes the rule rather than the exception. Girls can and do mirror the behavior of their mothers and can and will be drawn to men who may or may not become physically abusive but will diminish her in other ways. It normalizes the behavior and results in them making comments in later life like "Rihanna probably deserved it". Boys will learn that abusing women is a good way to 'let off some steam' without fear of retribution. They do not have to necessarily become an abuser, but some pretty good groundwork has been laid for that possibility.
- Whenever you do decide to leave an abusive relationship. Make a plan and keep it to yourself. I can't begin to tell you how many women will tell a man as they are picking up their bags "I'm leaving you and you will never see me again!" Never let the enemy (let's face it...he's not your friend) in on your strategy. No need to tip your hand and make a big production number out of it.
- Seek help at a shelter and allow them to help you put a discreet plan into action to leave and the abuser will never see it coming. I believe the reason why some women won't do that is because they are attempting a last ditch effort to get the abuser to see what they are about to lose. Regrettably, in the abuser’s last ditch effort to keep control, the only thing that might be lost is YOUR life.
- This is probably the most important of all. If you are lucky enough to leave your abuser, do not go back. I can not stress this enough. Do not go back. If he promises to change, tell him to call you after he's gotten a year of counseling under his belt. If he has not earned his way back into your life, do not make it easy for him.
- He will not, he can not change if there is no attempt to figure out why he is the way he is. Don’t be swayed by his declarations that he didn’t mean it or (and this happens a lot) if only YOU didn’t do things to provoke him. Don’t let him guilt trip you into ‘keeping the family together’ at all costs. Your children deserves better and as their mother, it is your responsibility to provide a safe environment for them. Remember that when you start to get lonely those first few days/weeks/months away from your abuser.
- I do not believe in introducing every one of my friends or family members to the guy that I am dating. I think it’s wise to have a place that he has no clue about that you can escape to if you ever found yourself (God forbid) in such a situation. This simply comes from personal experience and is my one regret. My abuser knew everyone in my rolodex.
There are other warning signs that others can offer, but this is a good start in staying clear of those that might seek to cause you harm.
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Comments
Best suggestion in this whole blog: if you do get out, never go back!
But don't know what can help abuse victims who are so stubborn about getting out of bad relationships. I've just started considering them to be as mentally ill as the abusers. They form a team destined for disaster, yet they constantly insist on dragging others into their mess.
Congratulations on your bravery (there's a lot of bravery today) in getting out of that mess, and for getting so much wisdom to provide to others.
I'm reminded of the Juneteenth celebration where Union soldiers informed slaves in Texas on June 19, 1865, that slavery had ended 2.5 years prior. No one had told them.....think of the abuser as the slave holders who never told the slaves that they were free. You do not have to be a victim....sometimes they just need to hear that they are FREE.
Hey Zuma. Unfortunately, I think you are right about the mental illness. Such relationships are sick, repressive, depressive and are as healthy as two drunks in a marathon drinking contest. I do not think it's possible to come out of such a relationship completely unscathed. It does affect your mental health unless you are inhuman. It's not necessarily a permanent state, but it does make you more suspicious of men in general and makes it more difficult to trust others.
Thanks, Marcela. I pray that someone who may be in a similar situation take the necessary steps to get out of that relationship.
I'm grateful to God that I have never been in an abusive situation, but I have had friends in these situations and I've often been there to pick up the pieces after an altercation. One girl still hasn't learned, after a stalking incident, and a I believe a number of physical altercations, she is still with him and has continued to have children by this man.
I have seen that scenario more times than I care to admit. I think abused women sometimes see the children as gifts to their man to prove that they love them. Does this sound rational? No. But this is the mind of an abused woman. She thinks this will bring him around or at the very least, maybe he won't hit her while she's pregnant. It's nonsensical to you and I, but to them it is logical. I love children, but it's selfish to bring them into this type of life circumstance and honestly, it makes it harder to flee when you have so many little ones to take with you.
"Soul Murder" you've said it all, Teddy. It does kill the spirit or the soul and it takes longer for abuse like that to heal than physical bruises. Thanks for coming by to share, sweetie.
: )
Great advise.
Rated.
Dharma thanks for being such a sweet friend!
Thanks, FE, Susanne, Kathy and Trig! I appreciate your support! (((HUGS))
Hi Trudge, I try to stay positive but can't help thinking about it at times. I'm still working through it though and I'm grateful that God has been with me every step of the way since.
Cynarra! Thanks for coming by, I appreciate your lovely vote of confidence!
especially "I think it’s wise to have a place that he has no clue about that you can escape to if you ever found yourself (God forbid) in such a situation."
Thanks, Julie....you are a doll.
Lairderg, sending you virtual hugs....you are welcome dearest.