What’s purported to be a recent trend in the dating world is something called man-sharing. However, most people ‘in the know’ are aware that this trend is as old as Methuselah. It’s a pop psych take on what folks have been doing since the beginning of time….cheating! Of course, there are many who will say that as long as all parties know what’s going on and there is no deception involved then it’s not cheating. But isn’t cheating being unfaithful? Doesn’t being faithful mean that you are devoted to one; that you are monogamous? Or has the wiki-pedia set modified the meaning? I’m just asking…..
Whatever the case, I think that there are certain reasons that some women become involved in such arrangements. I will even go so far as to say that some fit a certain ‘profile’:
1) The girl who has bought into the “you are more likely to be killed by a serial killer than get married” mythology. The modern day woman who bristles at the thought of being perceived an old maid will begin to resort to desperate measures. If the familial pressure doesn’t send her off the deep end, the judgmental gossip from ‘friends’ cackling among themselves as to why she doesn’t have a man will send some women into a head first dive into the cesspool of the smarmy, good for nothing don juans who make no bones about having a harem that pretty much takes care of him.
In fact, she’s so desperate, she will put up with almost anything if he will agree to show his face at certain family functions and behave himself. In her limited world-view, 'appearances' are everything. There is no one blinder than someone who cops the attitude, ‘as long as he doesn’t bring it’ home; I'm not worried about it. See no evil, hear no evil and certainly do not speak of it!
2) The girl who says that she is perfectly content with being the other woman. She fools herself into believing that she’s the new age type of woman. Free love, free sex, nothing costs….except that thing called self-respect. She sees it as something to do, no strings, no attachment….yet….she realizes that sometimes the heart is affected….then she wants more…but he tells her that she knew what time it was when they started ‘hooking up’. Next!! Once the arrangement becomes ‘complicated’ he moves on to the next good time girl. See ya!
3) The girl who really is perfectly content with being the other woman. This one knows that she’s a second stringer and has no problem with being the back street woman. She thinks that her stuff is the equivalent of King Midas’ gold and so she’s got him…lock, stock and smoking barrel. So, what if he wants to sample a little bit of everything on the menu? As long as she’s the main dish, she’s not complaining! What she doesn’t understand is that essentially, ALL women have what she has, so it’s not like she possesses the Holy Grail to a guy like that. She can look like Halle Berry or Hal E. Berry, for that matter. As long as she’s willing to put out, he will hang around for awhile.
4) The girl who is not bothered by having one night stands with a married guy. In fact, she may be married herself to a guy that she feels ignores her and her emotional needs. Besides, this guy is deliciously gorgeous, flirty and is definitely ready to do the mattress mambo. Wife at home? Not her problem! Kids waiting for daddy to come home and be the man that he should be? Huh….AND? She’s not looking to make this fling a habit….she just has needs. Sure, she knows they are slime balls for cheating on their respective families....but please don't call her on it. Her position is: “Here are a couple of quarters, call someone who cares!"
5) The woman who has accepted that he has a wife that he hasn't slept with in years and that even though he doesn’t love her, he can’t possibly leave because of the children. Wink, wink! So, she agrees to become his secret, undercover 'wife'….no papers, but he still gets all of the benefits. I knew someone like this. He lived with his wife and family a few blocks down the street from his woman and their kid. Got to give it to the guy….he found his prey close to home; plus he obviously has a deep appreciation for the value of time management not to mention that he is a dedicated family man.
6) There are some women, who initially, have no clue that the guy is married. But there are hints you can pick up on. If you haven’t been to his house, was never given his home phone number, you have to meet him at odd hours/days/places, never met his relatives (although some are bold enough to bring you around the folks and astoundingly enough they enable his cheating ways) you are getting played. This type of woman is not necessarily naive, she just doesn't want to be 'rude' by asking such prying questions....I mean, it's not like she's his wife or anything. HA!
7) Single women who have thrown their hands up in surrender that ‘there are no good men out there’. They are lonely, tired of spending Saturday nights at home or going out on the prowl with their other single girlfriends. They want a man that they can call their own, but they are convinced that most of the ‘good’ men are either married, gay or in prison. NO, they do not notice the irony in the last locale. So, out of desperation, they willingly enter into arrangements where they not only know the guy is dating several women, but that he actually has the nerve to demand fidelity from said women! These prisoners of war (is there any better descriptor for them?) usually are only too happy to give it. Because why else would he demand it, if he didn’t truly care?
8) There are some women out there who just like being the ‘bad girl’. They know it’s wrong; they aren’t necessarily looking for a relationship with the guy. They just want to do the forbidden and there’s something very delicious about that…..maybe they’ve been the good girl and had always gotten taken advantage of because of it. They plan to break a few hearts….just to even the score.
9) Women who genuinely thought that they were in a monogamous relationship. She had no clue that her guy was being unfaithful with one or more women. She believed he worked hard and spent all or at least the majority of his free time with her. Heck, as far as she is concerned he doesn’t have time to cheat! What she doesn’t understand was if someone wants to cheat, they will always find the time. Sex, literally takes a few minutes, and anyone so inclined can find the time for a little afternoon delight.
10) The woman who has something of her own to hide, some reason to not want a 24x7 man. Maybe she's married or affianced or waiting for Mr. Right for the long haul but having physical needs in the meantime. Probably not common, but it happens. Contributed by Catnmus.
11) The women who go after married men on purpose. Contributed by LadyMiko.
12) I thought about this on the way into work today. There are some people who thrive on DRAMA. They think that if their relationship is complicated and frought with the ups and downs of a soap opera it will prove that their love will stand the test of time. They think that they will finally be happy if that witch gives him the divorce that he so desperately wants.....but until then, they will keep on fighting against the odds to be together. Oh bother......
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Comments
One thing that women have to beware of is wasting a lot of time with a hopeless situation. You may be missing a lot of other opportunities.
I've noticed that a lot more people are getting married later in life. It wasn't that common before because divorce was much more rare. At least that is one good outcome. It is never too late to marry now because there are always many singles around.
As long as you establish what went wrong in the first marriage.
My husband and I were both divorced by our spouses. We both believe in marriage, and found that we have a lot in common.
One thing that helped me is to make a list of what I wanted and what I did not want. This time I tried to look a lot more critically and see what was really there, not what I wanted to see, or what we could "work out." Neither one of us wanted another disaster. We have been married for nine years and are very happy.
I had a lady approach me in the grocery store last weekend wanting to know if I would share my husband. He is 6'7" and not bad for our age. She wanted him to get some crackers off the top shelf. That's a pretty good reason for sharing if you ask me.
Catnmus.....that's a good one. Thanks for adding it to the mix because I do believe that there are plenty of women in that category as well.
Then you have the women who go after married men on purpose.
Pawed!
I once read about swingers and one of men interviewes said he doesn't mind it if his wife sleeps with other men as long as they are part of their swinger's group. However, if she were to half a fling with the bag boy at the supermarket he would file for divorce.
Hair Chest & Gold Chain Wearing Rated
Ann, you crack me up! lol Glad that you could see some of the humor that I threw in to mask my sadness over this piece. Thanks for that, doll!
PM....that's why I said I must be out of touch.....that's how I perceive sex too. That it's something precious and wonderful and loving....but it's seemingly become a commodity that has no more significance than two animals in heat.
Oh, I hadn't considered the woman who goes after a guy because he's with a woman that many perceive to be highly desirable. It's ego-stroking at its best...."If I can get him from her, that means that I'm better than she is". It's that old competition thing that women fall victim too....they would claw another woman's eyes out if that meant that she won the favor of a man. Great points, girl!
I dunno. Life was less lonely when I expected or wanted less ;0)
I do think that there is space for people where all parties concerned know what's going on. I don't believe in enforced monogamy. I think monogamy is a choice; I'm gladly monogamous now, but in the past, I've been in relationships where I was willing to trade certain things off for other things.
I think the biggest thing that has gone unmentioned is the "rescue" factor. I think some women believe that they are involved with a man who is already involved but for whatever reason (kids, his wife's health, whatever) he can't get out of the marriage or relationship. He tells #2 that she's saving his life, or he needs her or whatever. I found myself in that situation once--(I hadn't known he was involved but figured it out quickly when he wasn't available at certain times). He wanted me to stay with him, but I refused to be a crutch. When I left my marriage, I didn't leave for another man, I left for myself. I am not going to be someone else's excuse for getting out of a bad marriage, but a lot of women really believe that they are "helping" a man who would be with her if he could, but he can't, so she's doing the right thing by cheating because he NEEDS her. I just think that honesty works so much better.
Anyway. Gotta get off my soapbox.
Oh, had to go back to Dorinda. I don't mean that women should not date around....that's critical that they do in order to meet the right person. What I am talking about is settling for someone who can't give them what they desire. It's one thing if they want to just have fun (they assure me that is not the case) but they say that they are looking for marriage....highly unlikely when your man already is.
"I am not going to be someone else's excuse for getting out of a bad marriage"
That sums up my feelings to a tee. Amen.
I agree with incandescent that it's sad when women settle for second best.
I guess I am blogging what I can't say to my friends. My opinion was asked, I gave it and of course, it was resoundingly ignored. lol Sorry that I am using you guys as my personal brick wall to pound my head. I feel like if I continue to offer my 0pinion then I am behaving like the gestapo, so I come here to get out my frustrations, because it really isn't any of my business when all is said and done. Ultimately, it is up to them to make their own decisions, but it's frustrating to me. But when it all blows up.....I will be there as I always have.
Cap'n....oops....sorry!
its' funny. when i was younger and still hot, i did think about sharing a man. i was divorced and had kind of hated marriage. i realized that i didn't want a man fulltime. so my thinking was, well, maybe i could pass him back and forth with someone. no sister wife mormon stuff, but being able to say, shit, i'm horny, can you send him over. or, hey, he's getting on my last nerve, invite him to your place. i know i know, it's so freaking naive. now i'd love to find a silver fox pilot or someone else who's not around much. these women may have some of this feeling too. been burned badly in a marriage too. or something like that.
thanks for this thoughtful piece. got me thinking, girl. love love lvoe
in my humble opinion, i think that people seek externally, what they experience internally. they will look for someone who matches how they feel. if they feel broken or incomplete then they will look for someone like that or someone who is only partially available (i.e. someone married) someone is is not going to highlight their fears and inadequecies.
another way a friend of mine put it: "the horns in his head match the holes in yours."
Dharma....dang, girl! You got deep on a sistah! I absolutely agree with that. It's like someone looking for the ying to their yang. Great point!
I actually did not know this went on to this degree
These days I seldom think why people settle for less than ideal situations, or settle at all for that matter even though I have been guilty of accepting and expecting less in my past.
People are, have been, and barring the discovery of yet another sexually transmittable disease, will continue to have affairs, sleep around, "man share," etc...
Every so often infidelity gets a makeover and seems to become glamourous and acceptable. I think this year it's open marriages (a new name for an old condition). Open marriages, man sharing, whatever the next name is--I prefer my cheating the old fashioned way--behind my back.
Smiles.