A fistfight broke out over the weekend in the comments section on my last post ("Dr. Amy's Guidelines for Making Money on Open Salon") and I was surprised. This is a civil community we have here, polite and highly supportive of each other. I've jumped into the pool now with a grin, reading and commenting and rating, having the time of my life. but keeping my clothes on cuz there are a lot of weirdos in the water, including that troll wearing a thong that floats by occasionally and belches.
Folks here are mostly interested in the great writing that we have in such abundance.
I found myself standing on the sidelines with a bucket of virtual water throwing it in from time to time, to no avail. I had a vision of pigs fighting over a snake on the porch, channeling Augustus from the first page of Lonesome Dove. (clearly there was tequila involved. )
I even caught a couple of hard ones to the chin from another unsatisfied customer for the first time. (Well, uh, not counting the public spanking I got from Pope Amy a few days earlier.)
To any other unsatisfied customers, I apologize, and your refund is in the mail. Please go wait by the box.
So even though I lost my cherry quite publically over the past few days, it was well worth it when Natenhay called his opponent:
"Wormy little fuckstain."
Huh? You're kidding me, right? That is hysterical! And then I wondered how many really delicious, nasty insults we could accumulate if we put our heads together.
I'll start:
CRAP BAG.
Jump in kids, the waters fine! Let's amaze and amuse each other! And someone get the troll another shot of tequila. We want to keep it in the water and amuse us. I bet it knows LOTS of insults.......
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fingerlakeswanderer
Roger Fallihee
Con Chapman
tequilaanddonuts
mypsyche
Sally Swift
Salon.com
Comments
R
I've seen people like you before -- but I had to pay admission.
Anybody who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice
Enough?
"Here's the thing though; ranting incoherently isn't the same as flaming me. You've come to a battle of wits only half-armed my friend, and no amount of hate will substitute for lack of cognitive ability."
"You are a racist. The weird thing is, you seem to mistake racism for irony. And as you well know, I've never discussed Obama with you in PMs you creepy little bigot. Get your hood and go burn a cross somewhere and save your wounded innocence for somebody else."
I try to insult when possible by speaking the truth, and also without cussing. As you saw the other night though, I sometimes cross over into profanity when I lose my temper. It's from too many years spent on construction job sites I guess.
How's that?
"Yeast infected cum bubble dripping down a whore's leg"...
"Syphilitic remains of an African grunge fuck"
"Four-eyed, piss complected gleep"
I have been known to tell people things like...
"That thing is so small a finger cot is gonna fall off."
Grasp your ears firmly and pull; you might just be able to remove your head from you ass.
Don't feel bad - a lot of people have no talent, and you're most of them!
Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
Breathe the other way, please. Your opinions are bleaching my hair.
I've come across rotting dead bodies that are less offensive than you.
You are the kind of person who, when someone first meets you, they don't like you. But when they get to know you better, they hate you.
You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now I see that you are just the opposite - you are obnoxious and arrogant.
Enough?
Buffy: "albeit in parenthesis?" Make the comment smaller, right?
What a passive/aggressive insult.
John: My heart stopped when I read yours. Honestly. I thought you were insulting ME? Please baby, say it ain't so! (god you're good!)
Nanatehay: (I keep mispelling your name....please explain it so I will remember it!) "Probably Not a Rapist" is so evil. Love it! "Creepy little bigot" is nice......
"Are you saying I wrote this post because I'm a whore? That's a fascinating take on all this, but there are people here and there who - and I am not making this up - do things for reasons that have nothing to do with sex or attention. That's apparently a concept foreign to your nature, but I know me better than you do, and you're way off the mark with that one sugar:)"
I occasionally advise people to remove their cranium from their rectum prior to extending their metatarsals into their esophagus. (In easily understood English "Pull ya head out of ya ass before ya shove ya food in ya mouth")
"You know... if you took your brain out and laid it on the edge of a razor blade it would look like a bb rolling down a 4-lane"
Then there's "DAYAM if you aren't about as amusing as a monkey f*cking a football!"
"Nice one! Since your best comeback was to speculate about my motives for choosing my screen name, I'll just go ahead and speculate that you're a half-smart right wing punk with a tiny penis."
Not to put too fine a point on it, I'm a dick.
!!!!!!!
You rock Odette!
Keep 'em coming kids.
I called a mean nurse once, who wouldn't allow my dizzy, pale mother to go in back and rest on a table (after she'd thrown up for hours and was about to pass out) even though there were many free rooms (it was Christmas) a "dumbass, bitchfaced nurse wannabe who was about to get her job crammed up her fired, sued ass if she didn't find my mother a room." I said it in this really low quiet voice that didn't even seem to belong to me.
We got a room.
That was my only comment on the post that was remotely printable, but what you gonna do?
Then there's the old standby "your mama is so fat she has to butter her hips to get her pants on in the morning."
Kind of Blue: Anything with pus in it gets extra points. You're damned good.
Odetteroulette: You rock baby.
Keep 'em coming kids. Get your really nasty head in the game!
Richard Cranium
You been reading "Stupidity for Idiots"? Sounds like you finished the book.
As useful as the leaky condom that resulted in you.
You make Bush seem smart
"Your face broke my camera."
" Sorry, but a facelift won't fix stupid!"
"People like you are the reason warning labels were invented."
"I don't think they make condems "that" small"
"Your more of a pussy that my cat."
I'll have to think of more. :)
" Even my dog wouldn't fuck you."
" Your too sober, drink more."
" Do you bathe with Limburger Cheese?"
" Want some fries with your bullshit?"
Give me a moment on the insults.
LadyMiko: "Even my dog wouldn't fuck you?" You've got it going on. You're really kicking in a lot of good stuff!
Cap'n Parrotdead: Zowie! Nice and nasty like I like 'em!
Karen used to have a whole book of quotes- I can't remember the exact title in it, but it had the word Curmudgeon :) It was really funny.
You're the best argument for eugenic culling I've seen yet.
They should send you to china to poison their children.
Did it hurt when they removed all that brain tissue?
I'll bet you like cats.
(Although when my newest rescue starts licking my face, my husband says "Her mouth is filthy. Work on that.")
I'd take advice from your hard plasticity anytime. That person was a pussy fucktard.....crap....too many wonderful insults to remember right now.
And BTW, you are flat chested. Let the insults fly!
Then you'd know what a drag it is to see you."
Bob Dylan
"So, you must have been a fuck trophy from your high-school prom, right?"
"Do you think, after all this time, your parents could get at least a partial refund of all the money they paid to send you to charm school?"
"So if you can't cure, me, won't answer any of my questions or give me ANY information, what the FUCK am I paying you hundreds of dollars for?" -- OH, that was just a memory of an appointment with my first neurologist. (This memory just kind of slipped out, and I am normally very polite to doctors.)
(LOVE the vitriol!)
And stop being such a twit!!! (my token insult)