I got to spend the weekend looking at some really beautiful male specimens with some of my favorite gal pals. A women’s weekend also known as a “giney fest” as opposed to an all male gathering which would be referred to as a “weenie roast” always makes for interesting math when it comes to paying the bill conversation, camaraderie and understanding. Men, sit back and listen read carefully. What you are about to learn about women will help you better negotiate the maze of our minds is pure gold.

First of all, when women get together after a long absence from one another, there is generally lots of wine or something similar hugging and laughter followed by a series of disconnected statements that jump from one subject to another in an order that makes sense only to us. This game of association is also referred to as “catching up”. We catch up on eating and drinking work, children, love lives and pair it with shopping, shoes or observing men some cultural event like a wine tasting book reading or concert. Being the kind of women that we are, my friends and I did nothing of the sort settled for eating and drinking sharing stories about our past and what we wanted for the future while verbally fantasizing about the really good looking guy at the restaurant discussing the present.

The language of women is far more complex to the average man than it is to a third grader. We talk about the way we feel as much as the way we think and we often do this with our mouths full simultaneously as we figure out what 20% is on the check. This is something many men have a hard time listening to grasping. We don’t like doing math. Our desire to be taken to the spa for the day understood often supercedes our need to get laid be asked if there is something a man can do for us to make our lives easier, like be left alone for a few days empty the dishwasher or just listen to us with interest take us on a picnic.

One of the greatest truths that came out over the weekend was that as all of us are twice divorced women, what we are looking for in potential bedmates relationships is different than what we wanted for breakfast the first two times around. In our stupidity younger days, we agree that we came from an era where a husband represented the distance we would go up the alimony scale food chain because we were taught that a man represented security. The second time around, it was either about having children or having the sex we missed out on the first time around someone to attend the social functions that come with life and not feeling "alone".

As we look toward the Indian summer (autumn, my ass!) of our lives, we find ourselves being far pickier about what might constitute the perfect, positive, potential dining venue relationship that brings with it the possibility of romance and longevity. It occurred to me that we are no longer looking for men to pick up the tab “settle us down”.   In fact, it is quite the opposite. My friends and I are still vital, busy horny women with large social networks and a multitude of sex toys interests that range from foreign travel to philanthropy and everything in between a great set of Frette sheets. These are all things we can and do and have been able to provide for ourselves.

We no longer look at what we will “get” by virtue of becoming involved in committed relationships. We are aware how much we have achieved by being alone and wonder what we might have to sacrifice or surrender to become part of a partnership. So the question is not so much “what will this man bring to my birthday party life?” as much as it is, “what will I have to relinquish to be in this relationship?”

Some of the latter include (but are not limited to):

Alone time: My women friends and I agree that having time alone is crucial to our ability to masturbate undisturbed mental health and well-being.

Decision Making: When you are in charge of your own life, the decisions and choices you make are your own. They are motivated by need as well as desire. When there are two of you, those needs and desires may differ. We have run far enough around the track to determine that we know what is in our own best interests. Having someone else tell us otherwise makes us anxious. We have not gotten as far as we have individually without struggle and determination. We are not looking for power tools struggles in the peace and sanctity of our own homes.

Fun: My single friends and I have a lot of fun. We look for fun. We create fun wherever we are by being with each other. Fun is not something like Antonio an unexpected gift that you find once a year while visiting Italy. We have fun alone, together in groups or in pairs. We are fearful of ending up like many couples that do the same thing every week, every year and become bored by the sight of each other.  Our “target” male demographic is probably close to 80 years old standing in front of the window of the 30th floor wearing wet pajamas on the verge of retirement or already retired. This means that they have lost their ability to match clothes are slowing down while we are speeding up to take on as much of life as possible, not less of it. How fun is that to think about?

Sex: Yeah, we like it and contrary to popular belief, we want more of it now and much better quality performances. No more drive thrus. We want men that know how like to kiss really well. We want men who don’t wear the menu on their shirt know how to take their time and heat us up. Hell, if they are retired, they should have plenty of time to get with this program!  We want men who remember that we remember everything are capable of multiple orgasms. If this is a surprise to you, consider this a public service announcement that will enhance your sex life and increase your odds of getting dinner cooked for you satisfied often. 

Look, we know that we are not the most beautiful women that walk into the cocktail party any more. That torch never belonged to me was passed a couple of decades ago and we all accept that. But we also know that we are smart, creative, intelligent, loving and fun. When was the last time you heard a man leave some party saying, “wow, I just met the smartest woman and I want to screw her brains out get to know her better!”? We know that if given a choice, a lot of men will pick beauty over brains and that makes for fewer choices when it comes to the kind of men who are looking for women like us.

But for those several thousand men that potentially exist, we want you to know that we are available. We want men like you or some reasonable facsimile thereof. In lieu of that I we will happily accept that man we couldn’t take our eyes off in the restaurant on Saturday who was wearing those gorgeous linen trousers. Or maybe we just want what was in them. Yeah, that’s it. It’s what’s inside us that counts. He may not be a man for all seasons, but he could certainly get me through winter.