11:03 am: "There is one call ahead of you. Please continue to hold or press 1 to leave a message and someone will return your call as soon as possible".
11:05 am: I am on hold if you haven't figured it out. I have been on "hold" listening to the same fucking message playing between five-second intervals of silence for the past several minutes. According to my calculations, this means that I have heard this voice and THAT message more than 200 times so far. TWO HUNDRED TIMES and COUNTING. Yeah. I'm yelling.
11:09 am: That my chin is cradling the phone as I type this means that my neck will probably "stay that way" for the rest of the day. The same way my face didn’t "stay that way" when I used to make faces. I couldn’t be that lucky. Now I’ll have to pay for a massage or a chiropractor to get the knots and kinks out. The only kind of kink I like is none of your damn business.
11:12 am: You are probably asking yourself why I don't just go ahead and press one.
11:13 am: I TRIED that.
MORE THAN THREE TIMES. Between 11:05 and 11:09. I'm persistent.
I got the following “message” each time:
"One is an invalid entry. There is one call ahead of you. Please continue to hold or press 1 and someone will return your call as soon as possible."
Fucking groundhog day in my ear. Now I have an earworm. My symptoms are mounting.
11:15 am: I know that if I hang up and call sometime later, the possibility exists that there will be 17 people ahead of me and the thought of that makes my brain explode. Nobody is cutting in line in front of me. I have been here for more than 20 minutes, dammit. I could get a table at the Cheesecake Factory in less time.
11:24 am: We are now beyond 23 minutes and counting. By the time I finish typing this sentence, we will hit 23.30 of time on the phone. That nifty little feature that tells you how much time you spend on each call comes in handy when you eventually get a human being. IF you ever get a human being. I love starting my conversation with someone telling them how long I have been on hold waiting for them to answer. Yeah, it puts us both in defense mode a really good mood for whatever business we have to handle next.
11:28 am: Maybe there really ARE 164 people ahead of me and EVERYONE gets the same message saying there is only one call ahead of each of us to keep us ALL hanging on the line and ruining our necks. Fuckers.
11:29 am: We are after all, calling a DOCTOR'S office.
11:29 am: THAT'S how they get more business.
11:29 am: Duh.
11: 33: We're at 30 minutes even now. I have now heard this annoying woman more than anyone needs to. I would recognize her voice whispering in a movie theater even if she just had her tonsils ripped taken out or was suffering from a bout of laryngitis. I hate her. Do any of you know who she is? There's an extra $50 in it if you've got her address and phone number.
11:34 am: So, this is what they call live-blogging?
Following the stream of events as they take place and reporting on them in real time?
Well, I sure chose an interesting topic.
I’m on HOLD.
11:36 am: 33 minutes now. First I thought I would stick it out and wage war. I'm patient that way. I took a big dump without her knowing it.
But that was a few minutes ago. Now I'm fed up. I've heard that message now like 8 bajillion times. Even I know when enough is enough.
Enough.
11:37 am: So I just hung up and dialed the main number with all the options (and, like every other company that has them, announces and implores you in the initial greeting to listen carefully as their "menu options have recently changed"). Yeah, well right about now, I'd like a steak, medium rare with a fully loaded baked potato, some asparagus and an arugula salad. How come I never hear THAT option? While you're at it, I'd like a nice Bordeaux to go with it. I'd press 4, 7 and # for that.
11:38 am: Guess what I just learned when I called back?
“There must be something wrong with our system.”
O’Really?
11:39 am: The woman apologized and connected me to the correct department immediately. Lauren answered very sweetly. I wanted to gnaw Lauren’s leg off. Her supervisor just told her to check the system and she discovered there was something “wrong” with it. Thanks a lot, Lauren. How about having lunch never again in your lifetime with me next Wednesday?
11:41 am: It took my being resourceful enough to call back to straighten out their problem to get a human being. But they are still nowhere near straightening out mine. I need to fax them this information request.
11:47 am: Guess what? Their fax line is nonfucking stop busy. I may have to call them back and straighten that out, too.
I was on hold for eternity and all I got from it was a live-blog and a sore neck.
Boy, do I feel stupid.
11:48 am: Next time, I'm live-blogging sex.
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Writer to the Stars
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Comments
Looking forward to the next live-blog from you!
;-)
You are such a good writer, it pisses me off.
R
This is why when the hospital assigned someone to make appointments, deal with the schizoid "nurse" at the HMO, and just anything requiring phone calls. It wears people out and sick people are worn out before they pick up the phone.
Sorry about your wrenched neck. I think you are over due for a massage!
Rated.
Fine writing despite the marathon of limbo. The Eighth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution states,
“Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.”
I think you may have a case based on the third clause.
Rated and appreciated.
R!!
Rated.
Thanks for sharing a laugh with me. It was driving me crazy just sitting there and listening and I always wanted to see what live-blogging was like!
Fun read
rated
He's about to have another quarter-million dollar surgery with us. You'd think there'd be an express "To skip all this annoying hold bullshit and talk to the manager, press X" option.
But an excellent live blog, nonetheless.
Are you sure you weren't just talking to Mom, sis? She does sound exactly like that that lying bitch on the customer service lines. That's why I never listened to her the whole time I was growing up.
what IS it about doctors' offices and software companies and the hold queue?? somebody ought to design some really sadistic, backwards, totally fuck-you-over prompts that would actually drive people nuts, maybe when you were calling your shrink's office? at least, in a black humor sort of way, it would be funny.
1:03pm - Thinking of something witty to say
1:04pm - Ooh look something shiny!
1:04pm - Thinking about living in downtown chicago years ago and having to wait in line at cheesecake factory (fuckers)
1:06pm - Got nothing
1:07pm - Post this comment
Amazing how you can take fear and frustration and make them funny, even as all your readers nod in recognition of the utter fury of getting stuck with canned music and voices, when what we need is a sentient being at the other end of the phone.
We've got a lot of unemployed people out there. A lot of whom would be willing to be that live, employed person at the other end of the phone.
"Rightsizing" helped get us into this mess. Now it's Wrongsizing.
I know ways to make being on hold a very pleasant experience.
Rated.
Manchu Wok: I just *knew* there was something about you that I liked. Very clever response!
I believe she's the twin of the one I shot last week while on hold with the Department of Employment (now there's an oxymoron if I've ever seen one).
I hope I don't read about you in the newspapers and see someone responding to the journalist "And here I thought she was such a nice person too."
@ DorindaFox "If you can type during sex then that is multitasking."
Wait. When I complained my wife said it was normal.
heheheheeeeheheheee
No one could cover such a mundane topic in such a humorous way. You rock, wasabi.
50!
(I figured I would start early and avoid the rush)
I laughed when I read this post, too. Next time stand near the toilet the whole time so when they DO answer, you can flush in their ear.
you get the idea. I say go for it O'Really. If anyone can do it you, you can.