O'Really?'s Blog

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JULY 12, 2010 10:50PM

To the Couple Next Door Having REALLY Loud Sex

Rate: 64 Flag

Hi!  Remember me?  I'm the neighbor whose front lawn you destroyed turned into a parking lot a couple of years ago when you had that open house about eight months after you surrendered your home to the bank disappeared completely, then got it back (under mysterious circumstances) and moved back in with a new man (who, on off months, parks his car in the back yard instead of the driveway or the garage.)  Yeah, I pay attention.  Think Gladys Kravitz from "Bewitched".

I don't (particularly) mind the daily occasional annoying high pitched squeals of delight that emanate from your twin daughters and their older sister or when they fight over every stupid  toy the water slide, but I'd be remiss if I didn't bring something to your attention that has been bothering me since you moved back in about a year ago.

You have REALLY loud sex.  

Several times a week more often than I do in a year.

And, quite frankly, it's beginning to make me jealous become quite boring predictable.

Remember that famous deli scene from "When Harrry Met Sally" that suddenly turned Meg Ryan into a complete slut America's sweetheart?  You sound just like her.   In surround sound, but much louder.  At all hours of the day.  Even when your kids are at home.  Funny, I  never believed for a moment realized that they are hearing impaired going to buy that the sounds you make are coming from Barney.  (I watched three episodes on Hulu to check my facts).

You see, this is where we have a problem.  I hate Barney really enjoy sex.  Do you see where this is going?

I like sex several times a week if and when I can get it as much as the next person.  But I don't want a rerun of the same sounds routine.  I like to change things up a little.  You and Barney are running neck and neck.

So, as a favor to me, would it be too much to ask for you to disable the "Unh, Unh Unh UNH UNH UNH"  feature as I am rhythmically fantasizing about my own pleasure while listening to yours?

Or, at the very least, could you at least change positions your routine?

Considering that when the process server knocked on my door and asked me of your whereabouts when you defaulted on your mortgage up and disappeared and I told them I had no clue who you were, it would seem only fair that you could extend some professional courtesy to me for all my troubles.  You know, answering the door and all.

It seems like the neighborly thing to do.  And, while we're on the subject, would you mind it terribly if on occasion I would come and borrow a cup of whatever he's drinking sugar?  I'd like to hear that howling at the moon sound coming from me for once.



P.S.  I really love your new landscaping Mercedes.  I notice these things.

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Oh god. I lived above a couple like this for a while. I finally had to ask them to tone it down. They were having the most boring sex on the planet. A lot. In the livingroom. I feel for you.
This is hilarious and painful at the same time. I had roommates in a summer sublet once, a couple, who were on the other side of my wall and it was so annoying to listen to them night after night, morning after morning, have you no shame?

R for remembering Gladys Kravitz!! :)
I live in an apartment where the walls are like paper and the next-door neighbors never get out of bed. _r
May the blessings of your neighbor visit you as well.
I really hope you didn't into apt#8! Hehehehe.

This is a little off the track but it's true so bear with me. I used to live in an apartment beneath this guy who listened to porn movies really loud. I was working on a sound sculpture at the time so I took a microphone and stuffed it into the air duct, which carried the wailing and plaintiff sounds of young women in heat in delecto vibrato or something like that. It basically sounded like sex in a distant garbage can. I multi-tracked it with other sounds like a lawn mower, cars moving, fingernails scratching on black boards and high heeled shoes walking down empty halls... you know, the usual stuff.

And by the way, YOU'D probably be doing a lot better in that regard if you'd spend more time looking for action and less time listening through the walls. Just sayin.
I've never seen such a succulent piece of raw meat dangled as bait in a post so blatantly to attract the detractions of Blu in my nearly seven months here. I can hardly wait. (I wish we could do cross-outs in comments)
How uncomfortable can it get! I'm glad my neighbors live far enough away I don't hear them.
Yes, I'm with Delia!! Maybe if you get a happy cat!!

Just so you all get the "lay of the land" as it were. The next door neighbor's house is a good 60 feet away from mine. We both have our a/c running full blast all day long. And I can still hear everything. If I listen real closely..... ;)
Somehow I knew Cindy Ross would have advice for you.
Wow. All we get to hear are the neighbors cars. You could make extra money having the ladies society over and doing some vocal training with their luscious but boring, repetitive example or at the very least sell some tickets...Ha. R
Well, at least somebody's getting some. :) I had next-door neighbours like that way back when I lived in an apartment. I finally blasted heavy metal so loud one particularly morning at 4 a.m. when they woke me up that they (and their banging headboard) were a whole lot quieter for a while.
I'm willing to rent a "Barney" costume and pay you a visit if you want to get back at your neighbor with your own soundtrack.
@ littlewillie: You're going to have to change your name for that to work for me....
I've missed these hilarious posts.
O'Really, you know I love you, but I'm going to have to stand firm in defense of loud, unrestrained, release all the tension, partially lose consciousness, bouncing, shaking, holding on for dear life, don't let it ever end, wreck the bed, crack the walls, kiss each other until your lips are bruised, playful, joyful, utterly divine... inter-gender intimate relations. (or intra-gender, though it's not my thing).

And that's Monday. Bring on Tuesday.

But I'd surely close the windows.
@ Man Talk: You're on. Or I am. Or we can switch and keep it interesting.... Nice to see you jumping into the "fray" as it were....
O. M. G.! Funniest thing I have ever read on this site...maybe anywhere! I don't know...you pimped Gladys Kravitz...I'm all swimmy-headed! I will be linking this to anyone I feel needs a laugh(everybody)!
Getting a perfect blend of exasperation/frustration/jealousy into such a short post with such hilarious cross-outs...excellent. Watch out, I think this one's gonna go viral...
La Luna has deputized me as your crooner de jour. I work the RFD beat. I have buy one magic bullet in my gun. I seduced Gladys Kravitz in the summer of love 1970--I lost my badge in her shag carpet.
I am Barney, Barney Fife, here to serve, to protect, and to howl.
@ mr Fawkes: I've always had a thing for Mr. Howell. He left me "thurston" for more..... Oh. That was Gilligan's Island, wasn't it? Shit. Wrong sitcom.
And they wonder why people run screaming into the night. Refill the Xanax we got nuthin' to lose, get comfortably numb. If help arrives you'll take one look and run the other way. Death by boredom.
This probably wouldn't work for you but ut reminds of an old student residence prank. One of the guys in our house would have his girlfriend over and she was LOUD. This is a student residence so the walls were economically constructed. Well, it was impossible for one of my pals sharing that wall to pay attention to anything else while the visit was on.

So one night we got the idea to play the Genesis Live version of The Musical Box during their encounter. You may not know the song but it builds up to a very loud crescendo where at the end, Peter Gabriel is screaming "Why don't you touch me, touch me, touch me, touch me NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW" with the NOWS repeated a dozen times or more. We only had to crank that section up to 11 once to put a stop to it.

Anyone who knows this piece of music will get it. YouTube has it at:


The song is 10:29 but the part I'm referring to kicks in at 9:00. With a lot more than just a residence wall separating you, it probably wouldn't work on the neighbours though. Please tel us if you come up with a solution.
There are seven deadly sins and seven castaways on Gilligan's Island. Each castaway represents or enbodies one of the seven sins. I have a coconut cream pie and a copy of the Mosquitoes Greatest Hits album that can be yours if you correctly match each castaway to their sin......good luck O.
@mr Fawkes: Let me try to do my best here. greed = Mr. Howell and and gluttony = The Skipper. Those seem pretty evident. Let's give pride to Gilligan, lust to the professor, envy to Marianne,. wrath to Mrs. "Lovey" Howell which would leave sloth to Ginger.

Tell her what she wins, Johnny? Am I even close? (I got bitten up by mosquitoes last week, so I'm not quite sure how I feel about receiving an album as a reminder....)
The Skipper and Mary Ann are correct, the rest are not. Looks like I''ll be rocking out to the Skeeters with coconut cream trailings in my grass skirt. You could try the lightning roung of the six Brady kids plus Alice and the seven sins.
Too much noise makes me suspicious of the 'Meg Ryan' type of O. Fake.

Nothing definitive ... just a hunch. That is, not all loud sex involving faking, but virtually all faking involves sound effects.

Just sayin.
I love it when you come back.. I honor your alter ego ( or your ego, whatever) but I think O'Really? is the real you. So full of life and humor and telling it like it is. Sorry to have parked my new Mercedes on your lawn...I just wanted you to notice me! I thought the sex was just a little too subdued for all you neighbors to be jealous. White trash with money is no excuse, is it?
So glad you've popped up again! R
My, you have far more interesting neighbours than we do!
Got nothing clever to say. Just lettin' you know I really enjoyed the read.
At least you know when to go a-knockin'.
hee hee. I'll have some of what they're having!
I would find this situation difficult. Perhaps call 911 and send emergency personnel to their door because you feared for someone's safety? Honestly, you thought someone was being hurt over there.
Your neighbor is taking faking it to new heights.
I once lived in an apartment with thin walls and an amorous couple one floor up. I know what you mean. Funny, as always.
Best use of crossouts I've ever seen. A great laugh to start my day.
Skipper - Gluttony
Gilligan- Sloth
Ginger- Lust
Maryann- envy
Professor - Wrath
Howell - Pride
Lovey - Greed

(Or reverse the Howells..not sure..)

Meanwhile..GREAT piece.
So funny! Brings back memories of all the years I lived in apartments--I don't miss them.
I remember when my oldest daughter was 4 she came into the bedroom one morning while we were engaged in quiet ( Cindy Ross ) entanglement. She told me to stop hurting mommy and make her some cereal. You should record it and play it back at night real loud, see how long it takes them to figure out you sound just like them. Very funny O'Really. My best o/e ****r*
Very funny. I was on a cruise with my whatever he was at the time, and, well...anyway, the next morning the three little old ladies in the next cabin made a point of coming out on the balcony to ask whatever he was, if we were having a good time, also if "they" were making too much noise, because if "they" were "they'd" be more quiet. Which I thought was sweet. Needless to say, we toned it down after that.

Rated for fun waybackness!
There was something I was meaning to tell you ...
I've been guilty of having really loud sex. I often don't realize how loud I'm getting.

I once had a funny celebrity neighbor. When he quoted me, almost verbatim, from a previous night, I laughed nervously and then wanted to crawl into a hole. Of course he thought it was hilarious (it is now). I have since learned to reach for a pillow. (R)
This made me think of Christmas.

Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.
This is simply too funny!
You ought to hear me do Barney.
Well, let me tell you, you just haven't lived, unless you had a room in the enlisted female barracks, and the same guy was getting it noisily on (including the bed banging on the tissue-paper thin wall), on alternate nights with the women who lived in the rooms to either side! And both women couldn't stand each other. And the guy ... well, he was one of the troops that I supervised. (Recognized his voice, through the walls ... it was a small base.) Occasionally, I considered letting the information out to the ladies that he was two-timing, as I didn't much like either of them. The bitch-fight would have been spectacular!
My neighbors are having weirdly silent sex. Constantly. The bed springs go haywire, then complete silence for several weird minutes, then crazy bed springs again. There are loud crashes, too, and scampering across the floor. But barely a sigh of ecstasy or hungry moan. They're either screwing or killing rodents. If I've got to overhear other people having sex, I prefer it to be sex I'd never actually want to be having myself.
You've cleverly said what many of us have thought many a time.
I'm not your neighbor, am I?
Ah, I had neighbors like that who lived below me. They actually made my furniture move at all hours of the day and night. It was only funny until my coffee/wine/cereal milk sloped over the side of the mug/glass/bowl. Then, I would start Michael Flatley "Riverdancing," it never deterred them, but it made me feel better.
oh my! makes me appreciate the really good soundproofing in my house...
Loved it! Nothing I can relate to, but was a great image maker. Thanks....In Iowa ya only hear crickets & toads
This was funny and so are the comments. I'm supposed to be working but a little sneaking around can't hurt. And they can't pay the mortgage but have a new Mercedes?
I've only experienced this annoyance in hotels. A real bummer when your hubby sleeps through it.
Maybe they are profoundly religious people & you are hearing them during ecstatic moments of prayer?

Face it...(and many of us have been there) you don't mind the noises so much as the inability to retaliate in kind. I think we should form a support group...SSSTITN (Shared Sex Sounds To Intimidate The Neighbors.) We'd hold parties and each of us would do our best to make the loudest noises we could, just to make them jealous.
i really dunno if they are worse than the couples who throw stuff that break a lot ok maybe worse r.
I have survived (barely) a number of bad (insane) neighbors. Reading this post brought it all back (up) again. But, my God, did you make me laugh. Thanks for that, very much indeed.
p.s. as a writer, I know just how hard it is to write funny stuff. Well done!
Ha! Hubby and I once lived next door to this couple, in an apartment building with the paper thin walls. When they woke us out of a sound sleep in the middle of the night and we started laughing, it stopped most abruptly. God it was funny.

What wasn't funny was when the baby showed up, and cried all night through the same paper thin walls.

We moved.
We make our noise using kazoos while lying in kudzu.
This is comment number 70. You had 69 prior to this one. I hate to screw up a totally appropriate comment count for this posting, but all I can say (as a veteran of a similar situation) is - great posting! Rated, with a virtual high-five!
@ thefuddler: I really hadn't noticed that magic number until you mentioned it. But, if it makes you feel better, there's the old joke: "Question: What's 70? Answer: 69 plus Phyllis Diller!"
(Insert your own rim shot here). Thanks for visiting!
@O: You really enjoy sex? Define "sex".
A blu: Virtually (or physically) just about any other entanglement that doesn't include or involve you. Any questions?
my former sexed up neighbours used to leave the WINDOW open during the middle of the day, regaling not just my apartment with their screams of delight but the entire building next door and passersby on the street.

somehow they figured out (or by happenstance) shut it. so I would only know when they were doing the deed when the floor shook.

revenge is the best medicine in this case. sound travels both ways through them flimsy walls ...;)