Apparently, the idea of OS interviews has been resurrected in recent weeks.   We did this about a year and a half ago and it was a great way for people to get to know other members of OS.  Who better to interview Leepin Larry who was unavailable because he’s being interviewed by my alter cartouche our resident professional comedy writer/hypochondriac/paranoiac/curmudgeon/dog poop  expert than me? 

I sent a bunch of questions to john blumenthal to consider answering and after like three days instead, he came up with his own that he stole from me.  Here we go:

What’s ailing you today, blu?  (Please be specific and tell us how long you have to live).

Reading your first question has given me a severe case of narcolepsy. At least I think it's narcolepsy. Maybe it's anemia. I also have odd sensations on my face, which must mean I'm about to break out in a crop of sebaceous cysts. Since I know that these have disfigured your face, can you give me some advice? Now I'm suddenly feeling nauseous, but this may either be stomach cancer or a mere reaction to gazing at your avatar. I also have a pain in my ass which I my doctor thinks is a common disease called OS Slow Loading of Page Syndrome (Otherwise known as Oslops Disease). 

When you are hanging around OS, how many words of a post to do you actually read before deciding whether to continue?

 In your case, three or four. I don't understand why you keep crossing things out. Haven't your heard? There's something called a Delete button. You should use it more often. Maybe all the time. Or you should just cross out the whole post. There's this other blogger named cartouche who keeps whining about her family or brazenly advertising her artwork. I always use the same comment without reading her post. I feel sorry for Emily. She has to read at least 15 words.

Over or under?

Depends. The diaper.

Whose haircut humor other than your own or mine do you enjoy without having a gun pointed at your head?

Humor? On OS?  I don't know, I never see any of that on the covers. Do people write humor? 

Describe a typical writing day for you (after you’ve taken your temperature rectally and performed a Google search for all your symptoms)?

I usually start out the morning ignoring calls from the Nobel Committee. I recently put them on Caller ID. I'm not sure if they want to give me the prize or light a stick of dynamite under my ass.

Writing OS posts is difficult, because I have to type with one hand on account of the fact that I'm using the other one to hold my nose.

Um, I’m guessing your other hand is probably doing something else.

If you could plan your last meal, what would it be?

Good question. It would probably have to contain food that won't make me nauseous or raise my cholesterol or my blood pressure.

Boxers or briefs?

I don't understand the question. I'm not a prizefighter or a lawyer.

Duh.  You’re certainly no prize.

You seem like a pretty smart guy.  What the hell are you doing here?  What are your other interests besides writing, dog poop and the Merck Manual?

I make sculptures out of cow patties. Of course, I also have to practice for NASCAR and the Olympic decathlon. I watch MSNBC and wonder when Joan Walsh is going to do something with her hair. She needs to stop seeing that Mongolian hairdresser.

If you could meet anyone in the world other than Lady Miko or Scarlett Johansson, who would it be and what would you like to do to ask them?

I'd like to ask Christine O'Donnell to marry me. She's flying in tomorrow on a mop, since her broom is in the shop. Something about the carburetor.

Is that spinach in your teeth?

No, but unlike you, I still have teeth.