While necessity breeds invention, some things are simply unnecessary and just better left uninvented.  Think about it.  Did we really need an octomom or the pet rock?  Has your quality of life improved substantially because of the big gulp? What would Groucho Marx have said about “Members Only” jackets?  I crave Candy Corn about as much as I crave chin hair and rutabagas.  There, I’ve said it.  I hate Candy Corn.

I’m all for inventiveness.  I like Halloween as much as the next American (Idol). That doesn’t mean I like who has or will be chosen in the future, but you get the picture.  But if you think about it, how (and more curiously, why) did candy corn or Halloween get invented at all?

In every other (civilized) nation, this time of year on the calendar is devoted to honoring the dead.  “All Saints Day” (or Reformation Day) as it was first known, was originally a Roman Catholic holiday where they honored well, you guessed it, saints.   Sometime later, they extended the warranty and decided to embrace unsaintly souls as well.  Fair enough.  People go to cemeteries, remember their loved ones, lay wreaths and flowers at gravesides and say prayers. It’s a solemn day, reserved for things like solemnity.  Easily explained.

So what do we do?  We have to go and reinvent the holiday!  We play dress-up and spend fortunes on weeks creating costumes.  Donning makeup and masks and armed with pillowcases, we then go knocking on the doors of (as many) complete strangers (as possible) and beg for candy.  You know what amazes me even more?  People answer the doorbell every time it rings and give it to them!  Even I do, and I normally don’t even answer the door for a flower delivery to avoid giving a tip anyone.  How come the Jehovah’s Witnesses haven’t caught on to this idea?

I often wonder how we would explain certain American customs or inventions to aliens without sounding like we have completely lost our candy corn kernel minds.  Imagine explaining what a roller coaster is to someone who has no idea that this thing even exists:

“Well, it’s like this really huge machine thing that has tracks that go up and down in gnarly twists and turns.  You climb into a two-seat car among a train of about 20 others with hydraulic seat belts that lock you in so you are almost completely immobile.  Before you know it, you are climbing steep hills at a slow speed and suddenly plunging down at about 100 mph with 3g force before being turned upside down a few times.  You zoom around an amusement park and watch the onlookers below with equal parts glee and horror at your own stupidity for being on this ride.  As your stomach drops at about the same rate of speed, you simultaneously laugh like a hyena and scream.  Sometimes you throw up corn dogs and Coke if your stomach is a little sensitive.  Not only do you pay for this three-minute privilege, you often wait in line for up to a few hours to do it. Oh, and it’s awesome!”

Straightjackets for everyone.

Some things just can’t be explained and shouldn’t have been invented.

Candy Corn is one of them.