I’ve never taken up one of the Salon Kitchen Challenges (that’s SKC to the people who cook and take these things very seriously), and when I saw that this week’s challenge was to write about travel food, I thought, even I can do this.  I travel!  I eat!  And even though I don’t talk much about it, I can cook plenty of things well, including a mean bouillabaisse and a to-die-for Osso Bucco.  But those meals would be way too messy to take on a plane.  And there’s never been a recipe challenge for those two items in my two years here on OS.  What does bone marrow have to do to get noticed, huh?

                This is not bone marrow or osso bucco - it's bouillabaise. 

                                        Mine looks and tastes better.

I’ve traveled a lot by ship, by train and plane. I once drove from Frankfurt Germany to a small town just north of Lyon, France right after getting off a plane from the United States.  Warning to would be travelers:  Do not try the Autobahn with jetlag and a hangover.  As challenging as driving 100 mph is under these conditions, I will say that the meals we had en route to the south of France were well worth the approach of some Porsche suddenly driving up my ass flashing his high beams for me to get out of the way.

The state of airline travel what it is today, has taken all the glamour out of getting from point A to point B.  I can remember dressing up to get on a plane and having menus (you know, the ones that open and close?) to choose from.  In fact, I still have menus from United Airlines and Eastern Airlines.   Sometimes I take them with me when I fly just to feel like a human being again and trick the person sitting next to me.  Even while I’m dressed in my HazMat outfit.

                                                          Menu

Let’s face it.  Flying is gross.  I refuse to eat shiny, processed deli meats that are part of what the airlines might call a “sandwich”.   I’ve given up trying to open the bag of four nuts for the risk of what that will cost me at the dentist alone.  I never touch the tray table and the seat belt is basically an invitation to catch a cold or e-coli. Who wants to touch anything in this environment?

So what do I take and eat on those long haul trips? 

Lox, bagels and cream cheese.

Nothing endears you more to your fellow passengers than the scent of smoked fish and sliced onions at 32,000 feet with no escape.  Add a couple of hard boiled eggs and I can clear out an entire row of travelers who arrive tired, mean and angry with only leftover fart ammunition from whatever they ate the night before.  Mine is guaranteed fresh!    

I may not exactly be up to the Salon challenge when it comes to cooking, but I certainly know how to survive travel.  My menu might change on occasion (pepperoni pizza has a similar desired “effect”), but I always take my secret weapon.

 Wanna fly with me?