Am I the only one who read the assignment?  Emily threw out an Open Call directive that came from Sarah Hepola of Salon asking for suggestions to rename the “Sexiest Man” feature, not to describe what makes a man sexy.  I already know what makes a man sexy and so should you.  Your mileage may vary compared to mine, but that’s not what matters.  Jeeze Louise, am I the only who can follow directions?

Being the quick study and thinker that I am (and sexy man aficionado, too), I came up with these ideas off the top of my head and offer Salon not one, but ten choices to replace “Salon’s Sexiest Men” feature (yawn).  All of them come with a brief description behind each of them.  After all, behind every sexy man, there is a woman scratching out another woman's eyes waiting to jump his bones.   I’ve even shared some of my choices. 

Salon Men on Rye:  He’s got a crooked smile and wicked sense of humor.  Think Larry David without the Larry David.  More like Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert.  Hold the mustard.

Salon’s Vagina Menologues: Men we’d gladly invite to enter our inner salons.  George Clooney.  Hands down.  There.  Right there. 

                                            One of us could end up in the ER

Salontro:  Those men with a certain spice (not old, even though Isaiah Mustafa is very hot) that you can’t quite put your finger on.  Often, an acquired taste.  Javier Bardem certainly passes the taste test and makes my palate explode.

                                          I'd like to try those spicy meatballs

                                           I'll make your cigar smoke, Javier

 Salonistas:  The creme de la creme of men and all things manly.  The men we would most likely wear on both our hearts and our sleeves.  Denzel Washington, you’re a perfect fit.

                                                   I'd like to try you on for size

Salon Meatheads:  The highest quality beef with brains to match.  Juicy, tender and rare.  Even though he’s a vegetarian, Bill Maher is prime.

                                                 I love to break new rules

Salon’s Ladies Man’s Room (or, SLMR for short):  To the point.  It defines whom we most would like to keep company with.  I’m going to need a really big room for this.  I like men.  A lot.  Bill Clinton, I’m talking to you.

                                                                                                Up close yes, but no cigar, please....

 Salon’s Mantel Pieces:  Men we put on a pedestal, because they speak their minds and make us think (and swoon). George, Jon, can you hear me now?

Salonymous:  Men we’d like to share much more than a night with, without getting caught and spoiling their images (or our own).  John Edwards, you are so far off this list that even Rielle Hunter is probably having second thoughts about having had your love child.  And Brett Favre?  If we want your photo, you can just text it to us.  We're talking about men who make us think outside of the box, as it were.  Like this guy:

                                                Yeah, you again (and again)

Salon’s Menoliths:  These men stand tall and are powerful forces we would love to reckon with.  Nelson Mandela, anyone?

 Salonlingus:  Men who make us weak-kneed and tongue-tied.  As sick as George Clooney must be of this horrible fate, I never tire of thinking about him and adding to him my list.  He’s here to stay.

Now aren't you glad I didn't come up with Salon's "Manstrual Cycle"?