It all started out with a message from Facebook that the following had been written on my wall:

“"Did you see your old high school friend, Sean Young is going to be on "Skating with the Stars"?"

Oy.  Fact is, Sean Young and I were in Girls Glee Club together, before reality TV was even around to film her a notion.  I also used to be a competitive figure skater.  After reading this news, I feel like Harvey Keitel’s character “The Cleaner” from “Pulp Fiction” needs to come and erase some of those images.  Not of my figure skating, but of a few of her pre-celebrity antics. They make me want to do a death spiral without a partner.

What’s this obsession with all things celebrity?  Yanking has-been stars from their once privileged camera-starved lives so we can watch them do stupid human tricks things that they should know better than to attempt (even at home) is just plain enticing wrong.  Turning them into one-hour train wrecks shows that America watches and votes on weekly provides an endless source of writing fascination. 

But I think the producers of these reality shows have it all wrong.  What we need to see is celebrities doing things we only laugh at dream of and letting us discover what it’s really like to be high maintenance role models.  Here are a few new series I think would waste an hour of our time each week be of stellar interest and public service to those who aspire to absolute nothingness greatness:

"Botox with the Stars":  TLC will take you on the transformational journey where stars secretly slip into appointments without the paparazzi and emerge 15 minutes later looking like no real person does a million bucks or deer in the headlights. Cameras follow them to auditions for the part of The Joker someone half their age.  We watch them break down in tears without moving a muscle.  Bonus:  You get to learn the shortcuts through Beverly Hills.  Downside:  Not for the needle averse.

"Rehab with the Stars":  Lindsay Lohan finally returns to the small screen and drags you through countless court hearings, mea culpas and tweets to reveal to the public how hard it is to just say, “no” to being paid for being an addict.  In the event that Miss Lohan fails another drug test cannot perform her contractual duties, Charlie Sheen has been crowned first runner up and is ready to assume the lead.  Paris Hilton could not be reached for comment.

"Anger Management with the Stars":  Dr. Phil will host this explosive new monologue show that explores rage and outrage on the celebrity level.  Bill O’Reilly is the voice over genius behind this Fox TV series.  So far, Mel Gibson has signed on and scared the shit out of every other potential competitor, bringing production to a complete halt before it has even begun.  Rumor has it that Charlie Sheen has been pulled over is in negotiations to replace Gibson, depending on how well he fares on "Rehab with the Stars".  When approached to also be a part of this series, Sean Penn allegedly caused $73,000 in damages and reportedly escaped to Haiti to avoid charges. Charlie aspires to such greatness.

"Marriage with the Stars": Zsa Zsa Gabor’s declining health has producers scrambling to save their investment in this lavishly catered series.  Production of this cut throat “how to” show that exposes the ugly post-glamour Hollywood’s pre-nup waters has been suspended indefinitely.  British bookmakers have substantially increased the odds of this show being totally revamped while honoring its original deal with and using Gabor as the draw.  It has been renamed, “Dying with the Stars”.  According to insiders at “Variety”, even though the last rites for it were administered in August 2010, it still breathes life.                                                                                                                                         

"Farting with the Stars":  Slated for fall 2011, creators of this exciting new show have been silent but deadly about releasing any details concerning the show that producers say will blow all the competition out of the water.  Sources will only confirm that FTWS will be produced by TNT. Smellevision anyone?

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Am I the only one who believes that Reality TV is skating on thin ice? If memory serves me correctly, I suspect that Sean Young might give "layback" a whole new meaning prove it once and for all.  Thanks for the memories.

                                                     Blade Runner, my ass.

Photo Credits:  abc.com, kelebekgaleri.hurriyet.com.tr, hilaryshepherd.com, tmz, usposttoday.com