I’m very sorry to hear about your horrible cold.  I’m even more sorry that you were forced to go to work today to spread your virus feeling as run down as you do.  I could see it on your face and hear it in your voice instantly even before you breathed on my immediate surroundings.  I bet you don’t think so, but I’m actually more sorry than you are. 

 You see, I couldn’t help but notice that my silverware and glass were touched by your germ-ridden hands and (considering the sputum I heard trying to escape your chest over the course of our encounters), there’s a really good chance that you coughed on the very same fingers that were touching part of my lunch when you set my plate down before me earlier today.  Thank you so much.  I’m so sorry to have offended you when I remarked, “I hope you’re not contagious.”  Silly me. 

 Last year, I got sick on Christmas morning for the very same reasons.  I suppose you want to help ensure that this becomes a tradition. Bitch.  Wench.

Did I happen to mention how sorry I am for your inability to get in touch with me?  It’s not like I’m sitting around waiting to hear from you like I used to, (I’m not that dumb).  Things have gotten really busy in my own life (thank you for not asking; it must be dreadful trying to keep up with people you call “friends”).  So I’m really sorry if I haven’t followed up and bothered you with a big old “what the fuck?” because I don’t have the time. 

Seeing as how you wasted so much of mine, I’m sorry to report that I might not be available if you decide to get back in touch with me. And, while we’re at it, I really liked my shoes A LOT before your dog decided otherwise.

I’m so sorry that I sent you an invoice for my services at such an inconvenient time of the year.  Even though you engaged me with great enthusiasm and this bill is now months overdue, I’m really sorry I had to send another one that you failed to respond to came after a more than reasonable amount of time.   Don’t you just hate it when that happens?  I’m so sorry that I serve as a dreadful reminder of how commerce actually works.  Don’t be surprised if you see me visiting your establishment using that big old gift card I received and wearing a big smile on my face when you realize you can’t pretend I’m not there. 

I’m sorry that you’ll be reminded that you still owe me money.  Loser.

Words fail me.  I am so sorry that we couldn’t keep our dinner date. Maybe you should have called or texted me to tell me you weren’t planning to show up. Ever.  Or called the following days to explain why you never made it. Asshole.

I am ever so sorry to have given you the impression that somehow you “know” me.  My mistake.  How long has it actually been since we last saw or spoke to one other?  A quarter of a century?  From those emails you now insist on forwarding to me after reconnecting via Facebook, I must have painted a picture of myself that makes you think I’m a racist, bigoted, homophobic, socialist-hating, gun toting, “you betcha” idiot just like you.  I’m sorry you feel that way. 

I’ll be much more clear in my updates in the future so there will be no confusion.  You may “want your country back”.  I’ll just settle for my anonymity.  And defriend you.  Like, right now, ‘kay?

I’m so sorry that you had to leave the party early the other evening.  Not that it matters, but considering this was a sit- down affair that required an RSVP so they could have a proper head/food count, it might have been nice of you to inform me that you had no intention of staying for the dinner portion of the festivities.  What’s another $150 you don’t have to spend or account for person?

I’m really sorry that you had to go.  I’m also sorry that you couldn’t be bothered to say, “Good night,” so I would have known that you actually left the building. I’m really sorry you missed the lobster, the truffles and the divine gifts that were given out later.  That must really smart.  Don’t give it a second thought that you didn’t call to apologize or say, “thank you”. 

Next year I’ll be smarter and invite someone who will appreciate the gesture.

Your lack of apology is not accepted.