Have you always dreamed about learning a second language, but didn’t think you had a good ear or the money time required?  Do you have visions of listening to Berlitz cds while absorbing money Spanish in your sleep? Can you imagine yourself speaking in tongues and sounding decisively American continental wherever you travel? 

Forget about all that troublesome pronunciation, picking up an accent or knowing if I’m masculine from feminine.  For a limited time only (or as long as this post should live), I’m offering you the opportunity to do something that is both educational and fun.  Best of all, it’s free easy.  Just like me. 

Welcome to Slanguage!

Slanguage is easily learned and recognized worldwide by one other person including you.  Who cares?  The key is to use words in context so that your vocabulary builds quickly and effortlessly.  More importantly, you utilize these words in a variety of circumstances that are compatible with modern day woes life.  Before long, you’ll be able to matriculate anywhere and share your newly acquired bon mots in just about any social circle.  In a matter of moments, you’ll be drunk with delight and slurring your fingers the next time you play the piano words.  And, as an added bonus, you’ll impress no one everyone with your skills.

Let’s get started!

He’s divorced.  She got everything.  You’re attracted to him.  Before you can even think of sleeping with him, make sure you avoid the most common mistake in newly formed relationships.  See where and how he lives.  Make sure he has a checking account real address.  Examine his digs and his bedding.  If you do this, you will avoid the unnecessary heartbreak that comes with the Futonic Relationship.  If you don’t, you could be making that bed.  And sleeping in it.  Which will lead to nomance.

See how simple this is?  Futonic Relationship = Nomance.

Moving on.

Y2K (remember that scare)?  So last century.   Obesity is a growing problem in the United States and we need to start focusing on Y2Fat? ™

Want to know the culprit?  Cargohydrates!   They clog your system and make you join the Elks Lodge lethargic.  Cargohydrates are hiding in the closet longer than Rock Hudson did places like McDonalds, Costco, Sam’s Club and BJ’s (no, not those kind).  Avoid them completely, lest you start looking like a tanker. Buying in bulk will yield similar results on the scale and in the mirror.  The proctologist does not call your poop shoot the eerie canal for nothing. You’ll thank me the next time he’s doing his dredge report.  So will he.

You’re getting the hang of this now, aren’t you?  Let's advance.

If you have a tendency to eat in a hurry and have no time to go to the gym, then Mexercise ™ may be just the cure for you.  The half brainchild of Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, this national chain will debut in Washington and feature nicely packaged food with no nutritional content whatsoever that causes you to (wait for this), run off at the mouth and head to the bathroom at the same time!  Put your money where your mouth is and you too can suffer from verbal diarrhea while achieving that slow burn. 

Mexercise will not be available near any borders and (iced) tea is complimentary

Are you a diehard Apple supporter?  Is your idea of Mac n’ cheese an iPad and some Brie?  Are you a 20 (or 30 or even 40) something, happily married, politically inactive aware, techno geek properly fitted with all the latest gadgetry and eagerly awaiting your bundle of joy? Do you want to be sure that your baby is as smitten by and devoted to Steve Jobs Apple products as you are?  The iPadmini kills two birds with one stone by introducing the world of Macintosh to your cooing infant and keeping his or her bottom fresh and clean all day long.  It monitors everything baby does while you play on Facebook work hard for your money so baby can grow up to be a well-adjusted Apple of your eye pod toilet trained toddler. 

Unfortunately, live streaming will only be available for free on certain models.

Now that you have another mouth to feed, you better watch your Slanguage.  It might get you into some deep doodoo.

Images:  Northernnaturals.com, washingtonpost.com