Necessity breeds invention.  With all the events unfolding in the Middle East, I just know there is some foam-making, fire- eating, bacon-burping, Seventh Day Applebee’s foie gras Adventist, waiting to create a couple of new dishes from scratch all this chaos and serve it up to an increasingly disturbed hungry public.  I’m just the right disturbed person to break this story and finally take my rightful place on Con Chapman's favorites list the Food Network.   

After being glued to the TV for the past week, I realized that while I was miltitasking on Twitter and surfing the net, there were chefs hard at work bringing food to the edge of uprising its next level.  Yep.  There's a New Food Regime going on and the only place you will ever hear read about it is right here.

Introducing the latest foods to storm a palace, down a dictator or even overtake a small country, directly from the names you trust:

McDonalds is already hard at work on their “McMubarak”.  Just like their hamburgers and his hair, this tough bastard of a burger will never go gray, no matter how long it lies around.  Unfortunately, it also takes a little more than 30 years to digest and leaves a foul taste in your mouth.  (“McHosni” just didn’t have the same ring to it and was nixed immediately by protest focus groups for being too forcefully rammed down their throats.)

Baskin Robbins is introducing its latest flavor sometime this week: “Mubaraky Road”. The enticing press release reveals, “It has a revolting taste and is loaded with nuts.”  Give me two scoops.  Please.  I was kind of getting tired of them teasing me with promises of Anwar Sadat Dot Dash.  King Abdullah Jordan Almond has been all but scrapped from the test kitchen.  In a related story, there are rumors of behind-the-scene talks with Dairy Queen Noor that may yield a less forecful, soft serve option that may be easier for the Jordanian public to swallow.

PF Chang's doesn’t want to get left behind in the food truck and is frantically racing to perfect the recipe for  “Muammar al Gaddafi Duck”.  Sources tell me that the secret to its crazy allure and unique flavor is that the dark, sweet sauce is a derivative of and rhymes with “hoisin.”  I sure hope they put it on the menu soon and serve it with fried ricin.  Mmmmmm.  If that doesn’t work out, chefs are prepared to offer "Chicken Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini". Its bite is something fierce but it fucks up the layout on the menu because, like its namesake, it’s been around just too long.

Kim Jong Philly Steak is sure to be a hit in the city of brotherly love Pyongyang.  While a little spicier than its American counterpart, people appear to be dying  to know what exactly is going on inside of it.  I’ve been told that it’s pure torture to try to get your hands on one.  It also makes you shit missiles. No comment from Subway as of yet.  They are still on the border as to whether or not they can get away with saying,“It tastes just like chicken.”

In other news, the people of Israel have decided to stick to baking and won’t enter the food frenzy fray any time soon.  Aside from settlement issues and the fact that even I couldn't come up with something clever to go with "Netenyahu", they are a little skittish about all these recent quick fire challenges from all these wannabe Top Chefs and are quietly waiting for the yeast to rise, lest they be forced to make a hasty exit.  As of this writing,  thankfully, they still retain control over their own ovens.

Until this morning, Queensland, Australia seemed like a perfect refuge for those seeking a peaceful existence.  Instead, like the Middle East and other hotbed areas of the world, it became the eye for a perfect storm.

It makes you kind of want to vomit hungry, doesn't it?