It’s pretty difficult to write funny when you are dealing with a family emergency.  Family emergencies by nature aren’t really funny the way that ordering Chicken Almond Ding in an Italian restaurant to confuse the waiter is funny. They are also nowhere nearly as amusing telling the… Read full post »

When was the last time you ordered Chicken Almond Ding in an Italian restaurant?  I personally always insist on the Moo Goo Gai Pan because it makes me feel like I have mastered the Chinese language.   There's nothing like throwing off some guy from Naples by ordering in Chinese when t… Read full post »

Speaking of frankincense, did you know that I have a nose for business as well as one for the purpose of smell?  I don’t have two noses, silly.  Do I have to explain everything to you every single time I write?  Geez.  You would think we were playing Candyland or something… Read full post »

Hey – did you miss me?

You thought I was going to show up this morning, didn’t you?  Well so did I,  but an early meeting precluded me from joining you and I did have to ask the marching band to leave and then rinse the mayonnaise out of my pantyhose.  At… Read full post »

When I was a little girl, I was convinced that I had danced around a tree with a bear.  He (I just know that bear was a male), my best friend and I held hands and pranced around that tree in (in the forest) in circles.  I once also stood on… Read full post »

Do you look like your name?  How many times have you been introduced to someone named “Hortense” and thought, “yeah, that works for her; she looks just like one”.  I once met a guy named Richard Wiener (pronounced just like the Oscar Mayer brand).  Yes, they sho… Read full post »

My brother and his wife are still here.  I thought the arsenic in that big old bowl of Goobers (never Raisinettes!) would do the trick, but no luck whatsoever.  Instead, my water heater died.  Do you know how much a funeral for a water heater costs these days?  Whatever your guess… Read full post »

I’m not athletically inclined or very coordinated either.  Yes, I’ll admit it. I’m a little clumsy.  I’m more than clumsy, actually.  Did you hear that?  That was me tripping over my own words as I was typing them especially for you in preparation for this… Read full post »

Do you like having to entertain out of town visitors?  Me neither.  Especially when it’s (insert music that indicates impending doom) family.  After a long week of work-related travel, I caught the 2 o’clock broom yesterday so I could come home and do what everybody has to… Read full post »

If you must really know (and you must, because I’m going to tell you so you may as well get over it), strange things always seem to happen to me.  Oh, like you’re surprised.  I bet you have the same look of shock on your face right now as you did… Read full post »

Here’s the deal.  I like long romantic walks on a moonlit beach as much as the next gay man.  Show me 17 couples engaging in this prefabricated idea of romance on the same stretch of sand at the same exact time and I’ll show you a parking lot full of cars… Read full post »

Let’s get something straight.  I’m not drop dead gorgeous.  I’m not exactly drop dead ugly either, but my “look” takes a lot of work that I don’t get paid to do.  (If I did, I’d be on the Forbes richest list.)  I go through an extreme make… Read full post »

Do you ever think about your past and wonder how things might have turned out differently if you had changed a single decision, choice or direction in your life?  Walking down the aisle both times comes to mind for me. Do you ever think you were born in the wrong era? … Read full post »

Do you like breakfast?  Yeah, me too.  If you answered no, that’s okay.  It’s not like I’m inviting you over or anything.  I don’t cook.  How do you feel about tennis and breakfast together?  I think they go hand in hand, kind of like a chainsaw a… Read full post »

This country is going to hell in a hand basket.  There isn’t a public TV set in this country that doesn’t have Michael Jackson’s puss still plastered all over it.  I have been in three different airports during  the past week and I have earworms of “Thriller&rdq… Read full post »

I’m a wordinista.  Thank you for liking it; I just made that word up.  I listen to people’s words with a high-powered stethoscope that I inherited from both my parents (they could hear a pin drop in someone else’s house).  You know how someone can “look at you w… Read full post »

Do people look at you funny?  Not in that “you really ought to think about getting that growth on your wrist checked out because it is not passing as a bracelet” sort of way or the “have you considered a different career because after 20 years at this, you have not… Read full post »

I don’t like stereotypes (I have no aptitude for electronics), but I have to say, my experience with gay friends over the years has proven that they are far more suited for marriage than straight people.  Before you start going all heterosexual on me, hear me out.  There is a method… Read full post »

For those of you who are just joining me now, let me give you recap of my two left feet carbon footprint in life. I’m a woman of a certain age, have been married twice and have suffered a little more than my fair share of “bad luck”.  The bad luck… Read full post »

If I were living in Argentina (which I’m not), and having an affair with some Holy Roller politician (I can’t stand my own company enough to have an affair with myself, so we are already in double negative territory) people might describe me as “a woman of a certain age”. … Read full post »

I’m kind of suspicious by nature.  I feel a little like Cher’s character in “Moonstruck”, always with the bad luck and a dad who reminds me a little too much of Vincent Gardenia. The only difference is that Vincent Gardenia is dead.  I told you I have no good luck an/… Read full post »

I just got here.   As a matter of fact, I joined Open Salon this morning.  

I don't have anything that looks remotely like Farrah's hair, I buy my gloves in pairs and I'm all for getting a bailout even if it might potentially come as a result of  ads by… Read full post »