It's kind of a sensitive subject, because only women ask me why I am not married. Men never do, mostly because that means they have an opening in case they are single some day. I think. I used to wear more hand jewelry, and a man friend of mine (now married to my friend) told me that men will see a ring and immediately back off interest. You must have totally naked hands for them to consider approaching, as a wedding ring can be worn on either hand, and it's hard to tell if there is a gold band (not universal) or if that "rock" is an engagement ring. Better safe than sorry, or something like that. As I worked in massage before, and medicine now, wearing hand jewelry except when out at night is not likely.
So, today, the wisdom that is Huffington Post, ran a front page opinion piece about why you (woman) are not married. Because, you see, if you wanted to be married and were serious about it, you'd be married. It's still your fault. Let's break this down!
1) You're a bitch. Well, I can see how that might make sense but my women friends who are married can be some of the bitchiest people I know. I think getting a man to marry you actually requires being a bitch, to some degree. I have not seen too many people (older generation excepted) where the woman was not a bitch to other women, or to the man who chased her relentlessly. But then the writer goes on to say, you are ANGRY. Now, being angry doesn't make you a bitch. Being angry means you have values that are not being respected or honored. I know people who will throw a freaking FIT if their Diet Coke is not perfectly mixed with ice and blended to the right amount of sparkly water (fountain, not can). They are married. They were like this before marriage. She then recommends that you look and act more like Kim Kardashian (apparently, she is not a slut, see #3).
Real answer: you are not bitchy enough.
2) You're shallow. You should be looking for a man with values, not a man who has a good job, or good taste. Granted, where I come from, those are values. You are judged by the man you marry, and if he is a slob and unemployed on a regular basis, you clearly were short sighted or desperate. You wanted someone taller than you? Because you have sexual desires that go along with wanting to save your sex life for one person that you might like to be married to? Any woman who is dumb enough to think that women don't need sexual or mental attraction to their husbands in order to be happily married clearly does not work in family medicine. Or hormone replacement. Or has been on anti depressants too long to see that women self medicate in many, many ways.
Real answer: you might be unrealistic in your expectations, but you haven't turned down Mr Right yet, either. And, as you are a dynamic creature, your interests and values have likely changed, as well. I can't think of too many women who want an old fashioned husband anymore.
3) You're a slut. Yep, she said it. No casual sex for you (the editors at Salon should call her out on this). Men want women to meet all their sexual fantasies, and then go on to date virgins or really sexually repressed women that they know will never stray. Or let a finger stray. Or let a hair stray. It's true, men freak out when women are enthusiastic in bed, usually because they know that means you are probably a Craigslist hooker on the side. And it's also true that men know that all women who use online dating are running a prostitution scam. You slut, you had sex with someone you had no intention of marrying!!!!!!!!!! That's worse than premarital sex.
Real answer: you probably have gotten used to having to ditch relationships when the sex came too quickly and the relationship fizzled because it was going to suck anyhow. You are no longer as impressed by and attached to sex as you were when you were 20. You are also no longer impressed by a lot of promises people make that they have no intention of keeping. Refer to #1.
(Insert tasteless joke here: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party but you.)
4) You're a liar. Yes, admit it, you are a liar because you have made compromises about being fully honest in the moment. Because we all know how much men actually love that. The more a man demands full honesty, the more you should give it, right? Truthfully, you are lying to yourself if you think after a couple of times of overlooking something you dislike that you will adjust to it or that it will go away. It won't. If you don't like kissing him now, it really won't get better. Except now that you kept kissing him HOPING the frog turned into a prince, you are a liar for having been patient and not telling him he is a bad kisser.
Real answer: you are either a total bitch or a total liar. Which one is it?
5) You're selfish. You heard your entire life you could be anything you wanted to be, that someone would love you for who you are, and that you should wait to find the right man before settling down, not the first man. As a result, you developed interests outside of marriage and focusing on landing a man and staying married. You even might have a career- not just a job. You might even like that career, finding a sense of personal satisfaction beyond the day to day of maintaining a domestic status for two. Wake up missy! You shouldn't have taken those student loans or slept with that hot teacher in South America! Because now you're a selfish (slut) bitch who just wants to do her own thing and have everyone wait on her hand on foot. That's what you automatically become when you are not interested on waiting on other people hand and foot. Talk too much about your job? Well, how many men today are willing and capable of marrying and supporting a woman and their family with no financial help from anywhere else, and sticking to this promise NO MATTER WHAT and through all the economic despair? How many people are capable of meeting all their financial obligations every single month? Let's look at the countries with the highest standards of living.... educated, paid working women partnering later in life.... let's look at the countries with the lowest standards of living... uneducated, desperately poor, unpaid working women married off as teenagers.
OOOPS. Sorry for the rant. Remember, I'm selfish and I'm an angry bitch. I also like sex, so I should be disregarded. It's true, because I am not now married I have nothing to contribute to the conversation on quality of life for women and happy relationships. I have never been marriage focused, because when those "opportunities" arrived, they resembled something more like bondage contracts than actual parity and a shared life.
Real answer: no matter what, you will have to find work and interests and hobbies outside of your relationship to sustain you through out life. No one should be the center of your world, not even your children, 100% of the time. Okay, now, there are a lot of very conservative folks here in AZ who may feel differently, and maybe they have good marriages built on faith. But, realistically, not all of them stay happy. And, realistically, it's all a lot of work no matter what your focus is or isn't.
6) You're not good enough. This was the part that confused me the most, after all the other things. Am I too good for my opinion or not good enough? If a man tells me I am not good enough for him, and he is several rungs below me on the social and education and manners ladder, who am I supposed to believe? I was already trying to give up being a shallow, slutty bitch and look past those annoyances, and now I am not good enough. I held out for good enough and he didn't show up. I tried out not good enough and paid the price in physical, mental and emotional abuse- more than once- plus I still had to focus on a career in order to pay for my half. I held out for self respect and found that in myself and among my friends. I held out for love, and I have it. Still not married, but I am loved as I am.
Real answer: you likely are trying to date someone whose dream person is not you. Don't change yourself, move along. Naturally, all the women's magazines and HuffPo can tell you what you are doing wrong, so that you can fix it. If no one ever likes you as you are, then be honest with what it is that you think they should like, and how much you think they should overlook. That's kind of just how it is.
True love may be blind, but true love isn't what you have on the first or third or fifth date. True love requires years of softening gazes, perhaps some beer or ketchup for mellowing agents, and a lot of compassion for both people involved.
Remember, if you want to be married with children, you may have to sacrifice your interests or personal goals or happiness in order to land someone who'd be willing to "give" such a horrible person as yourself all those things. Thank you, Tracy McMillan.
Ladies, gents... let's hear it from you!
P.S. I got the one thing I asked for for Valentines (and a few extras): a love poem. It will last a lot longer than all the flowers and candy, and it may not be a diamond but it isn't cubic zirconium either.