My little family unit and my extended family unit are meeting for Thanksgiving this year.  I have also invited a friend, a single mom and her young daughter, to join us for a "normal" dinner with a bunch of Americans who like turkey, pumpkin pie and a whole lot of laying about, playing with dogs.  There will be no sports events and no fighting.  

My aunt informed me that my cousin will be bringing his girlfriend, if by girlfriend he means, ladyfriend of a not likely to get married status.  He has asked that his parents put some filters in front of their mouths, the whole brain to lips space that often times only contains foot.  We are also not to talk politics, because it bores my other cousin, and the family gets too heated.  Not that we disagree, we OVERagree- vehemently.  Sometimes the passion is too much to enjoy sharing.  We are to generally only make comments and ask questions that reflect thinking about how the other person might feel to be asked that question, feel safe, and can respond openly.  

This is not an impossible task, after all, but it did remind me of a book I read when I was a girl.  The mother is having all the family over to dinner, the sons and daughters of various ages and stages of life, and says she will be making Mexicali soup.  Each person asks her if she can omit an ingredient because they don't like it, or how it makes them feel.  When they arrive, all of them excited to have their mom's delicious soup, she opens a pot up and there is nothing but hot water.  Laughing, she explained that in order to please them all and do as they request, this was the only soup she could make.  In reality, it seems people get drunk, pick a fight, and maybe stop speaking to their relatives for months.

The story of Stone Soup is the opposite.  The broth is started with nothing but water and a stone, and everyone in turn adds a little something (not too much) and makes a wonderful stew they can all share.

I have had to break almost all the traditions while continuing what I can over the years.  I try various ways to make turkey.  My sausage stuffing is now in the canon of foods that are not to be excluded, though I will make a vegetarian version for any member of the table who chooses to not eat meat for any reason.  This is not an imposition, this is a joy, to include everyone.  It is really easy to feed most vegetarians.  First, don't give them meat.  As I learned a lot from my mom, like how to polish silver and put in a centerpiece with candles, I also learned that it is best not to drink two or three bottles of wine, plus sip the vermouth, as I go.  Fortunately, my family has never been a strong sports family; we are all united in not having to clamor around the tv for any reason except either Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or The Sound of Music.  

I thought, why not make a menu for Thanksgiving joy!  We will all insert our favorite spice and omit the one or two we don't like, but this will likely be a winner to be put in the family recipe album for years to come.  

Ingredients:

1) First, you must have gratitude.  It is hard to give thanks if there is nothing you can be thankful for.  This may take a few days or weeks of shopping around until you find just the right size and shape of this.  Too little leaves us with grumbling stomachs and a taste of bitterness in the mouth, too much seems like a showy display of self congratulations.  Free range, natural and pasture fed gratitude is desired.

2) Acknowledge and honor all requests that you can make.  It is actually much easier to do than fighting about what you think you ought to have to do.  Remember, everyone else there is also making this meal a family feast, and cooperation is key.  If someone doesn't eat gluten, make a side of rice and use cornstarch in the gravy.  If someone can't eat pumpkin pie, provide a miniature apple tarte or cup of fruit.  If your kid recently became a vegan, ask them how do you make Tofurkey taste good?  

3)  Plan for laughter more than tears.  Let people salt their own food.  

4)  There are two ways to be helpful- asking how to help, and just knowing how to be helpful anyhow.  This is dependent on the person in charge of the day.  Chances are, there are a dozen ways in which you can be helpful.  If she (or he) looks totally overwhelmed, it does not help to ask them to stop, pay attention to your ego about wanting to appear helpful, think of what you can do that they can't do, and then enumerate ways in which you can help them.  Look around, ask specific things or make offers.  Do not go away and do nothing because they couldn't think of a way you can help.  Remember, the dishes always need doing, sometimes several times that day.  Nothing says Thank You more kindly than a clean kitchen with the garbage and recycling outside.   

5) To drink or not to drink?  For teetotalers and dieters, the holidays crawl with temptation and choices, choices, choices.  The number one reason people fail at dieting is family and friends pushing food on them.  Yes, this is actually true.  As to alcoholics, I think most of us have one or two in the family and friend circle, please be mindful of the hardships they face when asked to abstain while others indulge.  If your uncle has a drinking problem, it doesn't help to serve him beer . It also doesn't help if everyone is chugging beer around him.  Ask these folks, what can I do to make you feel supported?  Chances are, nobody has ever asked them that yet.

6) What is the purpose of this day?  We say it is about families, but it is about surviving hard times together.  I don't know anyone who hasn't had a hard time of things, one way or another.  Your problems may seem worse than their problems, but then again, they likely still have to listen to you complain. We forget that we all are struggling every day of the year.  Don't make this day about your struggles.  Or your anger.  Or your politics.  Or your fears.  If you know the people coming, and you have a hard time not falling into the complain train, make a list of one or two things that you know about each person that you like, or they are doing of interest, that you can ask them to talk about.   

7) This is a dinner, not a performance.  Believe it or not, you don't get extra points in heaven for immaculately executed meals.  You will, however, totally accumulate good karma if you can remember to laugh off the errors.  Families remember fights and they remember feeling really good together.  It's not about the food, so if you are that attached to perfect turkey slices in a smooth gravy to make your holiday a success, you just might be part of the 1%.  Think about it, really.  A few years ago, I made turkey meatballs in a curried gravy.  It didn't turn out as well as I had hoped, I used too much onion in the gravy, but overall I was glad to have a friend to share when I would otherwise be alone.  I don't remember all the Thanksgivings, I remember the ones when food was enjoyed and the conversation and happiness smoothed over everything else.

8) It's not about you, it's about me.  ???? It's not about me, it's about you. ????  The gift of gratitude and giving of thanks always involves a relationship.  There is this story I read a few years ago.

A man dies and goes to the great beyond.  He is being given a tour of the hall of the afterlife, and is told he can choose which door he will go in to.  He says, can I have a look first?  

The first door is opened, and he sees in front of him a huge banquet table, lavishly decorated, covered with sumptuous foods, overflowing with wine, delicious looking breads, beautiful sweets, plump and savory roasts, music in the background, heavy crystal glasses and the finest china.  This must be heaven he says, and he turns to his guide and says, I think I will stay here.  

The guide says, why don't you take a closer look.  The man approaches the table, and sees that the guests around it look miserable and unhappy, they are thin and gaunt, despite all the food around them.  He asks to his guide, if this is heaven, why are all those people so sad? and the guide says, why don't you take a closer look.  The man gets in a little closer, and sees that all the hands of the people have a fork and a knife attached to them, and even though moving around a lot, no one seems to be getting any food into their mouths.  He sees that the forks and knives are longer than their arms, and they cannot feed themselves.  Despite all the food in front of them, they are starved.  

Oh, this is horrible, please take me to hell!  He says.  The guide silently brings him across the hall and opens the door.  The man sees before him an identical banquet, hears the same music and sees a table surrounded by people who are plump and happy and laughing and smiling.  He realizes he must have been mistaken, that this must be heaven after all, yet he can't figure out how it is any different.  He turns to his guide and says, I don't understand.  The guide says, why don't you take a closer look.

Sure enough, the man approaches the group and sees that they also have extra long forks and knives attached to their hands, and they too are completely unable to feed themselves.  Yet they are not gaunt and miserable, they are smiling and eating.  He turns to the guide and says, I don't understand, if this is exactly the same, how can this be heaven?  Nothing has changed.  The guide says,  why don't you take a closer look.  The man approaches the table to see the hands of forks and knives flying around, cutting food, picking it up, and he is enlightened.  In heaven, each person uses their hands to feed someone else, and is in turn fed by them.  

Happy Thanksgiving my friends.  I hope your holiday is better than you imagined, the bounty more abundant than expected, and the joy that fills your heart to overflowing carries the sweet taste of satisfaction and deep feeling of love.   

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(Apologies to those who read and commented already, I reposted from yesterday, as the server crashed the rest of the day and I wasn't able to get on until this morning, or just about anyone else for that matter.)