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Where's the Mojitos? I have the guac!

Oryoki Bowl

Oryoki Bowl
Birthday
February 03
Bio
Quaker buddhist, kinda quirky, loves cooking and knitting and movies. Dr Who fan, Scandinavian-aquarian and cat lover. Would love to be paid to travel around the world and write about local healing cultures. While eating and drinking and dancing. One day I will have a health cruise in the fjords.

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OCTOBER 24, 2012 5:15PM

In whom we trust

Rate: 22 Flag

There's a part of my mind that is like a missing tooth sometimes.  Aware of the gap of what should be there, the tongue runs through its grooves, again and again, looking for its negative spaces and carving out lines and folds.  I haven't missed a tooth in some time, although a blister from a hot food or a cut from a sharp chip can leave that sensation of obligatory probe.  Why are you there?  When will you go?  Oral tissue, like gums and cheeks and palates, is covered with soft skin that heals very rapidly.  The mind, the memory, can heal over too- obliterating a sense of insecurity or filling in a too large space.  It can also fold over a piece of real damage, encircling it and preventing it from getting out.  Bullet fragment, bad memories.  It is still there, encased in a little cyst, but immobilized from everything else.  Of course, it is still there. 

The parts of my life that haunt me most are the memories of trust gone bad.  Times when I have put my faith in another, to be fully let down or deceived.  There is the long con version of trust gone bad.  Friendships with an undercurrent of competition or betrayal, the kind that collect lots of info on you to use at a later date.  Dangerous waters kind of trust gone bad, when you can't see the riptide underneath but you sense there is something unsavory just below the surface.  Family trust of repeated disappointment but not real betrayal.  Just the reminder to never put your trust entirely in another person.  Unless your life depends on it.  And avoid having your life depend on things like that.

It's easy to say in retrospect, I should have known better, all the clues were there.  We can say that about murder mysteries, cheating lovers, drug addicts, gamblers.  At some point we ignored a sign we should have noted, or missed it altogether because for some reason we needed to have the belief in the other.  None of us can say this hasn't happened.  To live with regretted relationships, for being fooled, for being taken so easily.  History and the Bible and the myths are written about deception and trust, misplaced belief, and the battle for your heart.  Those who hurt us or seek to hurt us implore for their trust, to speak against our own hearts, to ignore our gut instincts and choose their words.  

How can you know fully when you can trust someone?  Is it something they say, or something you feel?  If your heart catches, or your mind keeps slipping on the same spot, how do you know if it is paranoia or if it is real?  If you have been oblivious all along, the greater the deception the greater the disconnection from your own self trust.  

I think my friend is losing her mind, and I have been seeing the road signs along the way.  There is great cause, I don't think any of us could take what she has had to go through, without going off some end.  I just can no longer believe her.  I think she has stepped into the realm of her beautiful mind, where reality and fantasy have become one.  I feel like I am betraying her trust in me, as I contact her parents and let them know, please, come do something, help.  You don't know what's going on.  I know that I risk ruining her trust in me, and I know she trusts me more than most.  I don't know how long that will last if instead of help, she creates a new delusion about our friendship.  I've seen this before, with her.  I've seen this with others.  I have lost friendships, or recognized they could never be that.  My role in their life was sounding board, but the reality check was too much to bear.  

Another friend laments trying to date.  Beautiful and smart, but not without her own things, she is a bit fantastical at times.  She has the capacity to be in outer space and down to earth at the same time.  Sometimes I think she is delusional, but maybe I am just jaded.   This weekend she met a man who seemed like a good catch, and all the chemistry missing from the other dates.  And when she found out he was still married she turned him down.  He accused her of being judgmental and unfair.  She agreed to another date, trying to know him better, only to be needing to fend off his aggression and accusations.  He hadn't earned her trust, and he had been angry that she even asked about his life.  He wanted to just get it on, letting her know she was screwing up.  It's not like this doesn't happen very often.  It does.  People don't want their cover blown, and instead tell you that you are being mistrustful.  Which, it turns out, you really should be.  A new acquaintance who is recently married is trying to figure out an annulment, having discovered the extensive deceit of her new husband.  She is deeply ashamed, for trusting that an older, frumpy woman like herself was going to find real, true love at last.  She cannot bear that her family know how much she let herself be fooled.  

My memories of relationships past rarely dwell on the parts that went well, or that ended without a bang.  Instead, they hone in on the slightly toxic part that has become encased in a layer of regret and shame.  The relationships that revealed what a big fool I was, the lies that I bought, the excuses I accepted, the rationalizations I made to keep going.  I am not a battered woman, but I managed to avoid the inevitable escalations.  These two friends, in their previous marriages, waited a little too long and overlooked a little too much.  They were married, there was money involved, there were children.  I can always leave, if I have to, even if that means walking away from everything.  I keep trying to avoid the accumulation of so much that I can't be free if I have to.  

Every morning I have a little dread in me, what will this day bring from my friend?  New stories of horror about the man who will somehow never be her ex?  or elaborate stories she has made up to forgive herself for trusting him for so long?  Does she reach out to me in a moment of lucidity, like she did on saturday?  Or does it turn into another part of her jags of manic delusion?  I am not sure I can trust much that comes from her mouth anymore, and I don't even know if she realizes she has burned almost all her bridges.  She is kind, beautiful, bright, generous, compassionate, friendly, and wonderful.  And yet her shining star is twitching a little too vividly, and her light has gone from sunshine to flickering fluorescence.  

The only way to have real relationships is trust, romance or friendship.  And yet, so many of us, find that trust may be part of the delusion we must build to stay connected and feel loved.  

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How can you know fully when you can trust someone? Is it something they say, or something you feel?
Yes.
~


Does she reach out to me in a moment of lucidity,
\yes.

Or does it turn into another part of her jags of manic delusion?
Yes yes alas.

~ oh wait, no !:
trust may be part of the delusion we must build to stay connected and feel loved.
~
But then again yes. This is what is going on out there in the world, and it is easy to dispense advice from some high standpoint, as I do.

The high is from divorcing from this need to be double, when I know I am a single man.
~
So much nonsense ensues when u try to double up.
~” The parts of my life that haunt me most are the memories of trust gone bad. Times when I have put my faith in another, to be fully let down or deceived. “

Then come forginess………..
~
If they are still up to their tomollery, forgive em with out forgetting,as they say.
~
gee i hope to goshdarn ya aint living VIRARIOUSLY thru yer
friend. that would be a mistake! one i have made only a dozen times..........
@ james i tend to know, just know

@ ori terrific, philosophical piece

2
intellectual pursuit of emotional reality is a dicey business, but i don't know any other way:

buddhism, zen, dao all share a concept of relaxed alertness, in which perception will be clear because not constrained by will. if a gun was put to my head and a demand was made: "how shall i find reality?" i would recommend reading in those areas.
Heavy topic. Trust has to be taken on faith until something happens to prove the faith misplaced. With your friend, though, it sounds more like an affirmation of her trust in you- getting her the help she needs. She may not agree at first, or ever, but you don't seem like the kind of person who could let someone crash without trying to throw out an airbag to land on.
[r] God, what a fantastic read. Your sensibility is matched by an awesome writing ability. love the intro and the wrap-up especially. I relate so much to what you say. I groove on the way you say it. my best to you and your struggling buds! best, libby
Oryoki, it should like you and your friend have had fore than a fair share of bad luck in relationships. You're right that a good relationship of any kind depends on trust and diabolically, one your ability to trust has been marred by lack of it, it inhibits you from having another - the vicious circle.

For what it's worth, I think you're doing the right think in alerting the parents of the friend who's cracking up.
Thoughtful piece. Always felt trust meant knowing you might fall to the ground but that it really would't happen and if it did, it would not hurt so very much.
Thanks for the support. I know I am doing the right thing, and it's not like I am narcing on her for drugs and gambling. If her parents decide to do something, she need not ever know it was me who asked them to intervene. As to other friend, just highfiving her for not letting her instincts get talked out of her by some smooth talking narcissist.
The love of my later life was going into a bipolar dive when we met, and the prognosis was that this time the brain damage from the manic episode would be permanent. The luck of our lives was that I was there, and I knew what to do.

She has been stable now for almost four years, but I live with the knowledge that the medication could become ineffective, and that the long term effects are really quite toxic. Nothing had worked before. Undiagnosed for years, she lived on a roller coaster of exhilaration and depression....but I had 25 years of experience dealing with bipolar personalities because the majority of the substance abusers I worked with during those years were actually bipolar, so I knew what was needed.

Constancy. Persistence. Perseverance. Endurance. Kindness. Forgiveness. Forbearance.

I gave up the practice of psychology when I realized that there was only one way that any human being could hope to offer these things to another person on an ongoing basis.

You have to be in love to do it.
Hey. they don't call me sagemerlin for nothing. Rated.
You definitely mean her well, I can tell. Your soul-searching here is very gracefully written. Attached to it is the deep feeling of realizing how far your friend could go before she's stopped. She might be having a nervous breakdown, after all.
Here's a thought, tho':
How well do you know her family's dynamic? Could they be a part of what's troubling her? If the answer to the last Q is yes, then some other, safer means of intervention would be better.
Rated
PW- well, her family is all she has left, she is close to them. But, legally, there is actually nothing anyone can do until someone commits a crime or tries suicide, or threatens violence. If these things aren't witnessed directly, you can't even call it in. That's true of family and friends, actually, once someone is an adult. Until then, lots of damage can be done.
Wow. This really hits the mark for me on so many levels. I recently had to distance myself from a few "frenemies" who I thought had my back, but really didn't. Trust is elusive.
I enjoyed reading that very much even if it hit a nerve or two. We all want to trust people but they have to earn it.
I don't even trust gravity! Thank you for a well written piece. There are so many different kinds of trust. What is the worst that could happen? I always ask myself that and then deal with it in my mind and knowing that no matter what it will be ok in the end. "And if it is not ok then it is not the end." I love that quote from the Marigold Hotel movie. Love...phooey.. that is what it takes and that is illusive.
Oryoki Bowl, Your writing spoke to me physically and spiritually, I got healed from it. Thank you for sharing! I would like to ask for your permission to share it with my facebook friends.
May your ink never run dry!
Baha'i marriage and family life is the only solution for romantic relationships. Being trustworthy is not easy. It's really only possible if one develops a healthy relationship with God. Then God will supply the courage and strength to be trustworthy in all your other relationships.

I'm not very trustworthy. I feel hypocritical a lot. I'm a pretty good story teller. I wish I could practice what I preach. Peace be with you all.
Oryoki,I have been here when you published it but somehow missed to leave a comment.I am sorry about that.
You are an MD,well informed about the interaction of body and soul/family connection.
Although we are all part of the social net,I am definite about each person's individual path,starting at birth or even before that and ending with the final exit.
If a person is driven by the idea of suicide,there is hardly any chance of intervening.
What I have been told by an expert a long time ago,was to respect the person's choice,even if this meant death.
Perhaps,by leaving the responsibility with the person in question,we might stabilize the condition of ourselves and that of the person we care for.
What I am writing here is based on life long experiences,and I hope I can be of a little support to you in your concern,your choice and decision.
I understand all of this too well. My thirties were bad days. I am doing better now. I am a born again christian. But I would say from 27-39ish I had a lot of let downs. And I had already had so many hard times from when I was younger that it was almost as if I stopped trusting everyone. I shut down. When people talked it seriously started sounding like blah blah blah because I refused to listen most of the times. Then the few times I have trusted people I have been let down.

So I settled on ...

Matthew 7:1-6

1 Judge not lest you be judged. 2 For with the judgement, you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use you will be measured to you. 3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye. 4 O how can you say to your brother let me take the speck out of your eye, when there is the log in your own eye? 5 Yes, hypocrite first take the log out of your own eye, then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

6 Do not give dogs what is holy and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.

When I was younger this did not make sense to me. And the Bible can be quite plain about things. But it does me a lot of good now. Maybe after 41 years of age I finally understood it.

You see this situation seems quite tender. And for what it is worth I would not want to be in your shoes. I don't know when I figure out how to get the log out of my own eye, I'll come back and help you but I will tell you I have down forgiveness down pretty well now. And I just let it go now. It does me no good to hold on to it. It does the other person no good to hold on to it. Rather I try to pray for them and I. I hope your friend can come to terms and that the friendship you two have last through this.
:-)
I understand all of this too well. My thirties were bad days. I am doing better now. I am a born again christian. But I would say from 27-39ish I had a lot of let downs. And I had already had so many hard times from when I was younger that it was almost as if I stopped trusting everyone. I shut down. When people talked it seriously started sounding like blah blah blah because I refused to listen most of the times. Then the few times I have trusted people I have been let down.

So I settled on ...

Matthew 7:1-6

1 Judge not lest you be judged. 2 For with the judgement, you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use you will be measured to you. 3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye. 4 O how can you say to your brother let me take the speck out of your eye, when there is the log in your own eye? 5 Yes, hypocrite first take the log out of your own eye, then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

6 Do not give dogs what is holy and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.

When I was younger this did not make sense to me. And the Bible can be quite plain about things. But it does me a lot of good now. Maybe after 41 years of age I finally understood it.

You see this situation seems quite tender. And for what it is worth I would not want to be in your shoes. I don't know when I figure out how to get the log out of my own eye, I'll come back and help you but I will tell you I have down forgiveness down pretty well now. And I just let it go now. It does me no good to hold on to it. It does the other person no good to hold on to it. Rather I try to pray for them and I. I hope your friend can come to terms and that the friendship you two have last through this.
:-)