Oryoki's House

Where's the Mojitos? I have the guac!

Oryoki Bowl

Oryoki Bowl
Birthday
February 03
Bio
Quaker buddhist, kinda quirky, loves cooking and knitting and movies. Dr Who fan, Scandinavian-aquarian and cat lover. Would love to be paid to travel around the world and write about local healing cultures. While eating and drinking and dancing. One day I will have a health cruise in the fjords.

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OCTOBER 31, 2012 9:58PM

My Voting Vagina has Something to Say!

Rate: 12 Flag

Recently, I learned that the real reason that I voted for Obama was because I had inadvertantly let my ovaries hold on to the pen when I was in the booth.  I remember that morning, bright and early, lining up with my fellow Americans before the sunrise, coffee in hand, waiting for our chance to make a historic vote.  I will admit, I didn't want to vote for Mr. Obama.  I wanted to vote for Mrs. Clinton.  But, being hysterical with my wandering uterus making real decisions for me, I picked his name instead of The Other White Meat.  

Was I angry at Mr McCain for ruining my best friend's wedding at the Biltmore the week before?  She paid beacoup bucks the year before for the reception to be on the front lawn at sunset, looking at Squaw Peak, and instead was displaced by his circus tent to a side garden.  His concession speech crowd could be heard from my place.  What a loser!  Maybe I was angry that he picked a fiesty gal for running mate, a leather clad sexed up woman who was clearly getting laid more often than I was.  Oh, or maybe just getting screwed.  I get those two confused sometimes.  

So, now I am really in a bind here because I can continue in my folly, letting my unfettered follicles make the most important decision of the next four years.  Or, I can buckle down, take the pill, and lean hard toward the right.   Mr Romney is handsome, no?  And Mr Ryan should be my dream man.  We are the same age, went to neighboring colleges, he's into working out and fitness, I am into health food, we both have libertarian leanings toward personal responsibility.  His dad died when he was young, my dad died when I was young.  I should want to bang on his lever, if our voting system had levers.  My lucky lady parts should be so honored to have such a winning ticket.  

I realize I can't ask my bits to make a decision in my best interest as a woman, because I am a woman and my best interests have nothing to do with my wants or needs.  My best interests are clearly something I know way too little about.   I can't be asked to make a completely hormone free decision, because when I am not ovulating, I am PMSing, and when I am not PMSing I am menstruating.  All of those times render me brain dead.  I think there is a window of three to four days in my cycle that allow me to make clear, rational, manlike decisions.  Unfortunately, those three days do no fall on next Tuesday.  I could have picked early, mail in balloting, but my stupid woman emotions are so attached to participating in the actual electoral process I didn't think it through.  I will be forced to wait in line, get frustrated and worked up over snippy volunteers, and make another catastrophic decision for all personkind.  

Men never make decisions with their testicles.  It is a scientific fact that their penis is only one of two blood filled, spongy textured organs that may or may not be casting the deciding vote.  Testosterone levels have never, ever, been known to be involved in the elections, campaigning, politics, business, economics, military or human rights, especially not reproductive control.   We know that men do not have the balls to make a vote against their better judgment, the way that women's menstrual cycles determine whether or not children will get money for school and the elderly can expect to eat and get medical care in the same month.  Nobody ever voted Republican because their hormones were raging man machines of buff and tuff stuff.  No, they vote reasonably because they love everyone equally and want the best possible outcome for all.  Everyday, because their mood never changes outside of sports seasons.  

I realize now that the good people who did the research determining that my  reasoning capacity was related to my estrus cycle and not my electoral cycle were just trying to do me a favor.  They were trying to prevent me from the old "thinking with my vagina syndrome" that women are so famous for.  I know it's totally selfish of me to want to equal pay for my work, so that I can go and blow it all on a spectacular vajazzle.  It's completely unreasonable for me to want an equal opportunity to use my naught bits for sports and recreation, when women all around the world only get to use their's for childbirth and sex trafficking.  And it must be totally unacceptable for me to think that my lady parts may want to visit with other lady parts, or many man parts, or my own parts, when the entire purpose of my existence is to fit around the end of a cock, and then clean the house.  

Well, let me tell you, come tuesday, my hands will hope to pull off a happy ending.  I will be voting for Mr. Obama.  Women who vote their own self interest may lean liberal, may lean conservative, may lean all over the place.  But the women who vote for  Mr. Romney must have their head up their ass.  

 

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Comments

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Estrogen trusted w the ballot? No such foolishness after this election... ... ... ...

RATED. :)
JW- we can't be trusted with anything, until we are too old to menstruate. Then we are too angry and senile to make rational decisions.
With that title I was tempted to reply "come closer and just whisper it" but I didn't want to lower the tone as much as that. Oryoki, I must take issue with one statement: " Men never make decisions with their testicles." You are overlooking the "little head overruling the big head" phenomenon, though perhaps that doesn't come into play in voting decisions. Clever write-up.
You do great satire, and my favorite line is

"when the entire purpose of my existence is to fit around the end of a cock, and then clean the house"

Beautiful.
your vag is very bothersome, not to mention noisy and confused.

women! can't live with em, can't get into this world without em.

(last night I wanted to read - your title is irresistable - but I was thrown off OS like some kind of flotsom)
"blood filled, spongy textured organs "

thats the way (uhhuh uhhuh) I like it. (uh huh)

once the blood goes away my vagina becomes bored. and there's nothing more dangerous than a bored listless vagina, let me tell you!
Abrawang- oh.... I try to distinguish between a ball and the bat, instead of just calling it all equipment

Phyllis- :)

Foolish: ahahahah, cuz I was thinking the other one was the brain.
Oryoki,
Your essay brings a serious problem to light, and for that I congratulate you.
And your ovaries. And, uh, your, yknow.
I dunno, what do you think the solution could be?
Maybe separate polling places for women, with a medical team
stationed there. Objective men of science , doctors with years of experience
dealing with the fluctuations of the female cycle: gray bearded MD’s ,
with expertise in gynecology, to access a potential lady voter’s fitness
to “yank that lever”. A female found unfit for voting would be sent home,
under the care of a responsible male, who would first
be able to exercise legal proxy and cast the vote
he knows she would make if she were in her right mind.
I think this is a workable solution…
Just think, James, it might even revitalize men's interest in primary care medicine. Of course, it would be spinned out as a subspecialty right away...
"My Voting Vagina has Something to Say!"

Is it using its lips?
Sign language, braille and semaphore.
Physically well spoken.
Semophore!
You have one talented yoni : )
I will be glad when this election is over. You?
My SILs are all voting Romney -- I just do not get why.
Why in the world would smart, thoughtful, loving women, who'd never have their heads up their asses, go there.....????
Mary- might as well mime, but after Marcel Marceau showed me how to make a box, my lips are sealed.
Just Thinking- my yoni doesn't kiss and tell. But it is writing a memoir.
I have been thinking the same thing, and you have said it much better than I ever could.
This was a demanding read but well worth the effort. I had to be so much on guard against being put on. I loved it. The tone of voice was delightful. I laughed at the end.

Just because I thank my creator every night before I go to sleep that I was created male does not mean that I am not fascinated by women.
I sure hope my wife is ovulating on Tuesday. It's a close election and Obama needs every vote.

Don't tell Romney that men's testosterone pushes them in that direction, or the Republicans will be passing out free Viagra in Ohio. Just don't ask them for contraceptives.

BTW, OB, don't ever compare yourself to Mama Grizzly. And I'd vote for you anytime.
Catnmus- well, thanks, from one pussy to another
Steve- I am glad you were willing to subject yourself to such a hormone drenched diatribe- and still came out smiling. Naturally, your political penis may have its own leanings.
Cranky- it's interesting that the Repugnicans assume that sex is against a woman's self interest and all. I was at the Planned Parenthood fundraiser here in AZ this year, and the vast majority of women were well past ovulation. These were the sisters who remember the days when there was one option, or no choice, and it was not good. Some of them are in their 70s and 80s. They are fighting mad, and they do vote- and they do volunteer for elections. I can't think that any of them want their granddaughters and greatgranddaughters to have to live under the same conditions as their mothers. Anyhow, just remember to use protection with the post election... celebration...
Maybe. I don't know. I never talk politics with him.