It has come to our attention that some bitch named Lorraine believes us to be the penultimate stop on the road to hell.

She says this because we lure college students away from studying things that might actually change the world, in order to spend hours watching the two of us snipe at each other over raising the litter of children that we brought into the world. 

We would also like to apologize for raising eight children who believe, that because they are on television, that each move they make--from the words that spill from their mouths to their bowel movements--are of such national interest that people stop what they're doing to watch them. We are raising eight little narcissists who, unless they get radical intervention and learn to see the world as it is, will believe that the earth revolves around them, that they are entitled to everything they want, and who are o on television simply because of the accident of having been part of multiple births, will leave the world a worse place than they found it. 

We apologize because we were such fame-hungry assholes and we have contributed to a national discourse of "how can I be famous" rather than "what can I do to make the world a better place." 

We apologize because we contribute nothing, nothing, to anything, and rather, count our successes by the number of tabloid covers we get each week. 

We apologize because for some reason, we have even invaded Open Salon, a place where serious issues get discussed. 

To those of you who have never watched the show, like Lorraine, we apologize for the fact that she can't go anywhere without seeing us referenced. We apologize because Lorraine wishes that people would pay more attention to the women who are being raped in the Congo, or the children starving in Darfur, or the food kitchens all over America, or the children, who, as she writes this, are being abused by their parents. 

But we only apologize because it was a good way to get Lorraine to pay attention to us. Frankly, we don't give a shit about anyone else but ourselves, but we thought, "Hey, another blog post about us? Cool. Doesn't matter what it says. All publicity is good publicity." 

So we're going to keep riding this gravy train as long as we can. And we try not to think of the day, ten years down the road, when people say to us, "didn't you used to be Jon and Kate?" and we sit down each month to pay the therapy bills for our children, all of whom have turned out to be ungrateful, demanding, selfish little shits. 

But for now. Party on.