It’s not like I hadn’t had a few signs that I wasn’t one of the guys, hard as I tried to be. If we played house, I wanted to be the dad (or the bad kid that needed to be spanked, but that’s probably another story). I wanted grow up to be Johnny Bench. I made my bike sound like a motorcycle with the help of a baseball card and a clothespin. I beat up a neighbor kid who was teasing my brother, and I wasn’t afraid of mice. But I wasn’t one of the guys.
It had to have been the summer before my first day of school when Mom broke the news to me. I’m guessing she figured that there were a few things I needed to know before mixing with a bunch of other kids. You know, kids who had parents who might hear things. And teachers. Teachers who might want to talk to my parents.
“Owl,” Mom said. “You’re going to have to start wearing a shirt when you go outside.”
“Why?”
“Well, you’re not one of the guys, you know.”
“Yes I am. I can run faster than Scott, and I always get picked to play baseball, and I didn’t even cry when I wrecked my bike, and, and, and . . . I am too!”
“No, Owl, you’re not.”
“Well then why not?”
“Because you’re a girl.”
“So?”
“So you’re not a boy, and girls have to wear something to cover their breasts when they go outside.”
God bless my Mom. She always used the correct name for body parts – anything else was considered crude.
“I don’t have breasts.”
“Yes, Owl, you do. They’re just small.”
“So why do I have to wear a shirt?”
“Because you’re a girl, and that’s what girls do!”
“Then I’m not a girl.”
“Owl, you are a girl.”
“No, I’m not.”
Mom sighed, looked to the heavens for help, and sighed again.
“Owl, you’re a girl.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. You know how your brothers have penises, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And your Dad has a penis.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, they’re boys. Boys have penises.”
“So?”
“So you don’t have a penis – you’re a girl, Owl.”
“Maybe I do have a penis, and it’s just small like my breasts.”
Mom was at the end of her patience.
“Owl, you just have to wear a shirt when you go outside. And before you ask, yes, you have to wear a swimming suit from now on, not just shorts.”
“Well, that’s stupid.”
That night, when I said my prayers, God heard the request that marked my prayers for several years:
“Please, God, I’ll be really good. Please please please please please make me a boy.”
**************
How does one define gender? I wrote an essay for a competition in college which won $50, and one of the judges highest compliments was “you hide your gender well.” I still have no idea what that means.
As a child, I wanted to be a boy (I figured if it could happen to Pinocchio, why not me?), but got over it at some point along the way. And although I did go through what I call my “pink phase” in high school, I never really mustered “appropriate” enthusiasm for being a girl. I never thought of one gender as inferior or superior, I just didn’t fit either label. Girl body, boy brain.
A few years before I came out (to myself or others), I took the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Test (MMPI). The person who administered it was surprised to find that I scored evenly on the MF scale – everyone she’d ever tested landed in either the Masculine or Feminine camp. It didn’t surprise me, though.
I suspect that part of the reason the test didn’t skew a bit masculine was that I had a pretty good idea what they were testing for, and knew better than to answer with complete honesty. You get used to doing that when you’re trying to fit into any category. And lying to myself had become the norm anyway.
Also, like many boys/men, I started out completely baffled by girls and women. So I studied them like an anthropologist, learned enough of the language to get by, and figured out how to become just enough like them to seem less alien. Having a chick body helped the cause, although frankly, dresses, nylons, heels, and makeup tended to make me look like a man in drag (this is not to be confused with drag queens, many of whom take feminine beauty to ethereal heights).I learned to give hugs of comfort, listen with empathy, and be a supportive friend. And aside from wishing I could pee standing up, I’m perfectly happy in the body I’ve got. Maybe that’s why I fall in love with women.
Here's the thing. I may not be one of the guys, but I’ve never been one of the girls. I see both sides of the gender divide – because I walk it every day, one foot firmly on each side. As a result, I have no choice but to be myself – neither side feels like home. And you know what? I wouldn’t change it for the world. Not even to be one of the guys.
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Comments
Thank you.
Exactly! Just be you.
I am so glad to hear that you've come to accept the person you are.
if you're still on the pee standing up thing, there are devices.
love your avatar.
Trudge - so very true, and sometimes so hard to remember.
Wordsmith - yes. It took awhile for me to recognize it as a gift, but I do feel blessed.
LD, Dharma - When I started my "study" of women, I was amazed at how many of them wanted to be guys at some point. I mean come on, the Cub Scouts get to do cool projects, and their uniforms are so awesome! LD, Blessings for teaching your daughters to go forth and be strong. My mother did the same for me, whether she realized it or not.
Arizona – I think most of the time “baby dyke” is read as tomboy. On the other hand have you heard Margaret Cho’s stand up regarding how her mother took one look at her and said “Oh look at my baby dyke, you grow up to be gym teacher?”
Fingerlakes - I haven't read it, but now I'm intrigued. And thanks for doing your part as a teacher, expanding minds.
Bill, Bungler, Verbal, Blue, Eridanis – Thanks so much for stopping by, and the encouragement that comes with knowing that we’re being read, and heard. Erid, I’ve heard about the devices . . .
Cartouche – I agree, but I don’t know how one can teach it – except to make people think. Sounds like Fingerlakes might have some ideas . . .
Mamoore – I believe in passing it on (“It only takes a spark . . . “) Thanks.
Duane – Me too. It’s kind of nice to be able to say “okay, one down, what’s next?”
Resistance - I can't believe I forgot you. I think the world is set up for us to think in dichonomies. It makes sense, when you think about it. Dealing in sets of 2 - right/wrong, on/off, black/white, us/them, male/female, jocks/burn-outs, popular/unknown - is easier to sort and categorize. Unfortunately, a great many empower themselves by exploiting the model, and a great many more miss the middle way. But, you know, just thinking out loud, here . . .
As long as you're happy, no one else matters!
Plus, it take a rare individual to see both sides of the fence.
Congratulations on it!!
That means the editors on OS select you for other readers and writers to read. It also means more exposure to your writings.
It's a cool thing!! Not everyone gets one. So it's neat!!
I remember my first EP--I was shocked and very much pleasantly surprised.
So lots of congratulations, Owl!!
When I temped years ago, I worked with some very femmy women. And it gave me such a complex at the time. Their conversations consisted of engagement rings and pointy heels and Cosmos and even, I swear, Tupperware. Then again, is that femmy? I mean, not in this femmy's opinion! But it certainly felt very different to me. I felt estranged from them and somehow lacking (though GOD, they were BORES!)
Anyway, I like the mix now. In myself and others.
OE - With any luck, someday. For now, just going tree to tree, and reporting my findings.
Cap'n - Hell yes, it's a guy thing to say. And my inner dude agrees (as long as we can make that rule for all women), even as my inner chick demures. Welcome to the Owl's inner conflict!
Shannon - Good on ya'! Even I wouldn't know what to say in that situation - I know what I'd like to say, but we do have to live in this culture, at least until we change a few things . . . Sounds like you found a decent middle ground, and sometimes that's the best we can do.
Your writing is inspiring. Thanks.
I can sympathize with your mother (and you, Shannon) - how do you explain gender differences that don't make sense, and shouldn't be different in the first place? I can hear myself saying now, "because closed-minded people don't like having their world-view challenged. It makes them scared and they'll get angry at you for it. If you don't want to try to blend in, expect them to point at you and shriek like Invasion of the Body Snatchers."
peece&love,
dj
Glad you've figured out who you are and that you've got a kick ass wife and son. Yay!
ladyfarmerjed - Chica, it's wierd to reply to a comment nearly a year old, but such a pleasure to see you on this post!
Fudo - Good points. I've learned to sort of shrug off the wierdness that sometimes accompanies being me, and can sympathize with my Mom, too.
Leslie - :~)
Jimenace - Hope to see you back in these parts someday, brother.
Elisa - Wow. Almost a year. How crazy is that?
jane - Thanks, good Lady.
Gwen - I totally understand your statement. Our churches sure didn't make that role very attractive, did they?
ClarkK - Man, thanks.
h-Julie - :~)
lorianne - LOL. More often than not, I don't worry much about the gender thing. I'm much more interested in what someone is about - maybe that's what shows. Thanks for reading.