If there is a deity, s/he has a sense of humor, irony, and poetry. My brain nearly exploded yesterday, first because of the Iowa decision on gay marriage (I find myself cautiously optimistic), then because my buttons got pushed (you can read my post about that, if you want to).
Late last night, after my ruffled feathers had regained their assigned position and sheen, my son, the Giant, reminded me of Saturday's social obligation - attending the renewal of vows for some friends of ours who enjoy the right (and rite) of marriage. Had it been any other couple, I probably would have bowed out from sheer fatigue. But these folks have shown nothing but love for our son, and for our family in general, and it was only right to be there as witness to their happiness.
The renewal of their vows was a beautiful ceremony (blessings upon WF & J, as well as their blended family) held at their home on a beautiful spring day. It reminded me of the vows my wife and I wrote nearly 10 years ago for the ceremony we held with friends and a few family members at our home. It reminded me of why I call "the Raven" my wife.
You've heard the song from "Fiddler on the Roof" - "Do You Love Me?" I love her like that, and she loves me the same way - all those stupid everyday things that we do for each other, they add up to something very large. But on top of that, I am tantalized and fascinated by her. She makes me want to be a better Owl - and she reminds me that I am. We have passed through at least 4 or 5 of the rings of hell. We have hurt each other along the way, and done thoughtless things, and screwed up in all the ways that people do. We still love each other because we have learned to communicate honestly, to balance patiently, and to forgive the humanity that is all too obvious when you live together. Not easy work, but worth it.
It could not have been done without both of us. Our vows included honesty and compassion. Honoring our paths as individuals and as a family. To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. And, to the best of our ability, we have not broken any of them; better put, we have examined history, and agreed that niether of us has ever intentionally broken any of them. See the part above, on forgiveness.
Our son, the ring-bearer, was carried in her womb, nearly two years before the Raven and I first kissed, and nearly five years before our wedding. I took vows to him as well, in front of God and everyone. I told him that I would always do my best to tell him the truth, to make sure he had what he needed, and to make sure he knew how amazing he was. I asked if that was okay with him - he hugged me tight and said that it was. I took that as "I do."
We have built a life together, the three of us. It is not fancy. It is not stylish or cool or trendy. It is no where near the L-Word in terms of climate, opulence, or drama. But it is a good life, full of little miracles, moments of beauty, and liberal portions of love and respect.
I call her my wife, because "spouse" or "partner" doesn't do any justice to our relationship, or to our family. "Significant other," while useful, doesn't have the gravitas I need. And "lover" can't begin to cover who she is to me.
I call her my wife because I married her, and she married me, even though the technical term may eventually be "civil union." (A term which itself feels too much like using someone's given name, rather than the familiar form.) When we spoke our vows, we placed our lives and spirits, in each other's care - we hold that sacred, even without a state sanction (a little like "Braveheart," but without the kilts or priest. Hopefully without the brutal rape and killing stuff also).
I call her my wife because it's a term that you recognize, no matter who you are, and especially if you are disinclined to allow the state to call her anything in relation to me. I want you to know that her role in my life and my family is at least equal to whatever that term means to you (and quite possibly superior to your definition). I want you to know that if either of us dies, the other will be a widow, and my son will have lost a parent - nothing less.You see, I call her my wife, even though I have no legal sanction to do so, as a tiny, subtle protest. But most of all I call her my wife because she is.
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But it will happen one state at a time. Whether or not I'll be around when it happens is the $20,000 question.
What a lovingly sweet piece!
I hope one day to be in your shoes, Owl...
And I'm happy to be the citizen of a country where people, regardless of gender, can marry.
This is so pure. We are working very hard on our relationship right now and these words are just what I needed to hear.
Bless you and your wife and son.
e~
cautiously optimistic over here, too. but maybe we can all raise a glass for Iowa and your union, tonight. cheers, my feathered friend.
Here's to having all the legal rights you deserve in the near future.
Brito - I think that's a great idea. Our anniversary is coming up . . .
Incandescent- 1. Cool name to go by. 2. I agree, especially when it comes to how we "name" each other. However, I'm also coming to realize that sometimes the confusion in the debate is cause by lack of common definitions - like in algebra, defining the variables.
My goodness, lots of congrats!!
Man, that's doesn't happen everyday!! I've never seen a Cover that big before!!
The legal stuff is completely outside the commitment...
anyone who makes the commitment should be accorded the legal benefits. it's just that simple.
Folks, I am so honored. We all know that the Editor's Picks are a process shrouded in mystery, and that the cover is much the same - it is what it is. And what a surprise to wake up to!
What is even more of an honor, though, are your comments. If something in my worlds touches or inspires someone, it serves to remind me of how "not alone" we all are, how much our experiences are inter-related. Thank you for sharing your thoughts as well!
Cartouche – Always a pleasure – thanks!
Dea-dog – congratulations on happiness! In a relationship, it’s earned, I think. As for the term “wife” – language can be pretty darn limiting! For us, we have made it mean what we want it to mean.
Bobbot – so true. With or without external validation, we sanctify our own lives and relationships. As for the law, it is always a little slow to catch up – groupthink takes time.
WalkAway – it’s an enormous compliment you pay me – I must be doing something right as a writer if it translates that well.
JLee – you’ve done the same for me, so happy to return the favor :~)
Annette & 1Womans – thanks – I only wish I could bottle and distribute it!
Sciencechick – I totally agree. We’ll get there!
Are you saying that people should be able to marry as many other people as they want? If so, how would that work? For example, if you were unconscious in a hospital, who would be able to make medical decisions in your behalf? Maybe the female partner because she has "seniority?" If you and your female partner had a child, what would be the relationship between the child and your male partner? Would both your female and male partners be eligible for health insurance through your employer?
I thought this was beautiful the first time I read it and even more so the second time through. I am glad more people had the opportunity to read it.
"From Anglo-Norman, Old French mariage, from marier (“‘to marry’”), from Latin maritare (“‘to marry, literally “give a husband to”’”), from maritus (“‘married man, husband’”), probably from Proto-Indo-European *mari-, perhaps a feminine stem of *mer-yo- (“‘young man, young woman’”) (hence *mari-to- (“‘given a wife’”)), if not somehow connected with *mas (“‘male’”) (stem mar-)."
Religion isn't mentioned at all. What history are you reading?
Why are you so eager to grant religious organizations every privilege they claim they're entitled to? They already get free services from the state without having to pay taxes. Ideally, state should grant civil marriages and religions can then do a religious blessing. Religious organizations should be grateful they're currently allowed to fill out forms for the state marriage license.
The reason I hate the trite (no, you're not original) civil union idea is because it pits straight atheists against gays. Those are two groups that should work together. It's infuriating to see a fellow liberal hand religious zealots the perfect way to 1) divide gays and atheists AND 2) give religions a new privilege they can use to torment and manipulate people (many straight couples will jump through hoops for the word marriage).
I live in Michigan and met through my wife a lesbian couple that were 'married' through a legal document that allowed for a settlement if either one ended the relationship. I found it amazing that they came from Iowa. And here I thought that Iowa was so to the bone conservative. Well, they ended up separating and the settlement clause kicked in. They had been together for over 15 years. The amount was rumoured to be somewhere in the low 6 figures to avoid 'support payments'. I found it interesting that they had created a legal bond with penalties but they still, while together, could not share their health benefits or have power to sign hospital forms or make medical decisions.
It is a childish and tragic society that denies legal rights to these couples. It is silly that people seek to deny the label of 'marriage' to people that are just as committed to each other as heterosexual couples.
Racism, sexism and all the other -ism's must end for this society to evolve to a better one. I remain hopeful...
Natalie – Thanks – yep, I read it out loud to her and we both choked up a little. She’s my biggest fan, as I am hers.
Incandescent and gonzoid (and others) – I’m reading and enjoying the discussion. We each can only speak from our experience and beliefs and ideals, and writing is as imperfect a means of communicating those intangibles as anything else, but it’s what we’ve got. I appreciate that we’re all trying to figure it out – even those whose opinions seem to be pretty well cemented.
I live in California, married my husband in SF in '04 (when I knew it wouldn't stick, but I really wanted to...I really wanted to muddy the legal waters, too), and then again last summer (when I prayed it would stick). I had my own moment of clarity recently, when someone tried to change my designation from "married" to "registered domestic partner" in a database. I realize I'm fortunate even to have "rdp" as an option, but he's not my partner, he's my husband. I call Mr. Hydroceph my husband because he is.
Hydroceph – Congratulations, both on having a deserving, committed love, and for having an option. It’s coming around, I think!
I also believe if all of them had (or would have had) a chance to read this, each would say, "I could have written this."
Thank you for writing it, for you, for them, for everyone.
gailrae - I couldn't be more honored.
dvcdickens - No question about it.
Gwendolyn - That makes sense. My wife says she couldn't have married anyone BUT me - and she's had offers, believe me! So a little crazy may well be good!