About a month ago, the Giant announced that he needed $10 to enter a 3-on-3 tournament with some of his friends from school. Naturally, my ears perked up with this unexpected news; at 15, the Giant had never once expressed any interest in organized sports, and had only taken up weightlifting in the last year as a means to "get buff."
The prospect of watching him play ball with a bunch of other guys was exciting. And who knows? Maybe this would be the beginning of something pretty cool for the Giant, and for me as well. I mean, hell - I used to play, back in the day. And maybe I could sit in the stands and cheer for him, you know, the way that parents do.
"So Giant - when is this tournament?"
"I dunno, in a couple of weeks," he said. His voice already has a seasoned-man depth, making him sound a decade older. "You probably have to work, and that's okay - you don't have to go."
"What if your Mom and I want to watch you play?"
"I guess that'd be okay. But you don't have to, all right?"
"Right, okay - I'll keep that in mind." I was already pushing work deadlines around in my head, mentally clearing spaces for the tournament. "So who else is on the team?"
"A couple of guys from the basketball team asked me if I would play on their team," he said, gazing at the ceiling. At about 6'2", his head always looks like it's close to the ceiling. "I guess they saw me shooting around in the gym while I was waiting for the weight room, and thought I was okay."
"Yeah, that makes sense, they would want someone who can keep up with their level of play."
I was thinking about the last time I'd seen him shooting a ball, a few weeks ago. I was thinking about who I would have chosen back in the days of running up and down the parquet floor. I mentally shrugged - he must be doing something right on court.
"So, Giant, when do you need the money by, and isn't there some kind of permission slip that your Mom will need to sign?"
"I need it by Thursday, and I'll bring the permission slip home tomorrow night. Or the next night. You don't have to go, you know?"
"We'll see, Giant, we'll see. The fact is, I'd like to go, if I can. It would be cool to see you play."
"Yeah, okay. Well, I'm going to bed. I worked out hard today." He put his hands behind his head and stretch-flexed, exhaling dramatically for emphasis, then trudged gracefully down the hall to his room.
_____________________
Flash forward to the signing of the permission slip. He pulled the worn 2"x2" folded square out of the back pocket, and tossed in on the counter where Raven was sitting. She unfolded it slowly.
"So, Giant, when is the big day?" I asked, trying to keep my swelling chest from showing.
"I dunno - it's probably on the permission slip."
Getting specific information from the Giant has always been a little like panning for gold - you have to sift through a lot of "I dunno," and likely call the school to find out anything of value. Nonetheless, he doesn't miss important deadlines. I have always found this curious, but I have always been that way too; despite the fact that we do not share any DNA, he consistently reminds me of . . . me.
"Says here . . .," Raven paused.
"Look, it doesn't matter," the Giant interrupted. "Nothing personal, but I don't want either one of you to go to the tournament. Seriously."
"Dude, the other day you said . . ."
"Yeah, I know that's what I said, but I changed my mind."
I could feel the blood rushing to my ears, but kept an even tone.
"Giant, why should your Mom sign a permission slip, and why should we give you $10 to enter a tournament that we're not even 'allowed' to attend - what's the point for us?"
"Fine. If you're going to show up, then I'm not playing."
"Dude, what about the team?"
"I'll explain to them tomorrow that something came up, and I can't do it. I'm sure they can find someone to take my place - it's not like I'm definitely playing, because they're already working on finding a 4th player to rotate in. If you come to the thing, I'm not playing. I'm serious." The Giant was keeping an even tone also, even though I could see he was upset.
" . . . "
" . . . "
I took a deep breath, looking for bargaining chips.
"Look man, you know how much I have tried to stay invisible when it comes to you and school. I can more or less blend in with a crowd, and I don't have to be obvious that I even know you."
"Tia, it's not that - I don't care about that, you're fine. I'm saying I don't want you OR Mom to go. It's not about you. I want to try this, and see how it goes. I don't want you guys there watching!"
I took another deep breath. My ears were on fire. I looked out the window so that he couldn't see me willing the lump in my throat to pass peacefully. Another breath, exhaling slowly. I could hear a mower running from three yards over. I turned to face him.
"Okay, Giant, I will not come to watch. I think you understand why this is hard for me - we've talked about it before. But it is more important to me that you play. I think you have a point, that it could be something you enjoy, and I appreciate that you're trying to expand your interests.
Now, for the moment, I would like you to go to your room so that I don't say a whole bunch of shit that is probably unrelated to this situation, and will only make both of us feel like hell. Give me about an hour, so that I don't knock your head off needlessly, okay?"
"God, Tia, it's not that big a deal . . . and it's not just you, it's you AND Mom, why do I have to . . . "
"Look - I'm really trying to be cool here. I'm not going to succeed with you standing here. Go. Now."
"Fine."
I didn't watch him as his footsteps echoed down the hall. Instead, I went to the cabinet, grabbed my favorite highball glass, and poured myself a couple of fingers of Cuervo. I sipped quietly, focusing on the scent of fresh cut grass and mower fumes that wafted faintly.
_____________________
Raven was watching me out of the corner of her eye. She finally spoke.
"Remember when we were teaching him to ride a bike?"
"Yeah," I said, swirling the drink in my glass.
"Remember why we couldn't teach him on the sidewalk, or on the street, like most people?"
I sighed, but didn't meet her gaze.
"Yes," I absorbed myself in the way the light played through the golden tequila.
"Remember what a perfectionist he was?"
"Yes - and I know you have a point here, but just draw me the picture. What am I missing in this situation?" My tone was much sharper than she deserved, but I couldn't help it. I took another sip, because I knew she was going to answer.
"Look. He's probably telling the truth. He's not ready to be seen playing ball, in case he's not good at it. It's his thing, now, if he plays basketball."
"So?"
"So he's not quite ready to meet Coach Tia Owl."
"Right. That's what it is. That's gotta be it," I said it angrily. "It couldn't be that when you and I are in the same vicinity, people automatically know we're a couple - everyone says it, so it must be true - hell, even you say it . . . "
"That's not what it is, honey . . . that's not it," Raven said. She got off the the stool and took a step toward me. I kept looking out the window over the sink, abstractly noting the dripping faucet. She slowly stroked from the base of my neck to my shoulders. "He loves his Tia. He's just . . . growing up."
"Well, I hate it, and it's not fair, anyway."
"I know, honey, it's not fair," she breathed into my ear, and folded her arms around me. I turned around so I could bury my face in her neck.
"It's not fair, baby, but it's okay," Raven said. And I broke, finally, leaking the weight and sorrow from my eyes to her shirt, quietly, with ragged breath. "It's gonna be okay, honey . . . it is."
"How do you know?"
"Because, I know him, and I know you. It's gonna be okay," she said, patting my back.
_____________________
I'll be honest with you - I'll never know for sure what made the Giant decide he didn't want us there. The point ended up being moot, since one of his teammates didn't get around to paying his part of the entrance fee. I know what I choose to believe.
I also know that we've come a long way. 40 years ago, this post wouldn't have existed, not just because the technology didn't exist, but because I wouldn't have dared write that I'm a lesbian, and that I consider the Giant my son. We've come a long way, and there are still miles to go before we sleep.
In honor of the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots (widely considered the first public protest for GLBT rights) several OSers have posted excellent pieces. Though my list is most likely incomplete, please take a moment to visit the following (if you haven't already):
From Tijo: Barack Talks the Talk
From FingerLakesWanderer: 40 Years and Counting
From Robin Sneed: Celebrating Stonewall
Blessings, all . . . it's not fair . . . but hopefully, it'll be okay. Together, we can make it happen.
_________________
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Joan Wilder
Yawp
Roger Fallihee
michael reid rubenstein
amittaizero
ronnierayjenkins
Salon.com
Comments
and I can completely see why he wouldn't want to have you guys there for the first time- what if he sucked? You would have to say nice things, and he would know, by tone of voice, by eye contact that you were disappointed. It would compound the misery. I would feel the same about my folks, if I were trying something new, and I'm almost 40.
If it is any help I, like giant, like to practice on my own before any public displays. I read and google and try it with no one else around, practice in my head a hundred times. I vote for giving the kid the benefit of the doubt and chalking it up to his developing need for autonomy but recognize that I don't have a vote so do with the advice what you will. I'm just glad to see you post. Stay strong sister. Much love to you and yours during the holidays.
I think he was telling you as clearly as he could, and more than once, that this wasn't about you. It's about him. And for a kid like him, that's sort of a big thing to say. I know it's hard, but really try to hear him, just hear him. He was coming from his own place, his own fears, his own worries, his own life. And he needs you to get that. Because if you do hear him and get it? How much stronger and deeper your shared relationship will be. He will share more and more with you and you'll be able to offer even more meaningful guidance as one of the loving adults in his life.
Maybe use this opportunity to say to him, "Hey, I'm sorry I didn't get what you were saying before. I just worry that the relationship between your mum and I impacts everything. And I forget that you have your own separate issues." That way, if there are some things he wants to talk about regarding you two, you've safely opened the door, and yet you've still made it about him. Because no matter who the teenager is, it's is always about them. That's where they are developmentally. It's their job to make it about them.
I loved what this piece shows about you and Raven. Two different types of mothering and understanding that support and enhance each other, and are in the best interest of the child. Really, really lovely.
I admire you.
Annette – So true. And doesn’t it make you wonder how they’ll remember it when they look in the rear-view mirror?
Athena – I think you hit the nail on the head. It was one of those times where it’s probably just part of the growing up process, but my own issues came dribbling out.
Mamoore – Yes. I do think you’re right about that. Sometimes, as a gay parent who’s trying to do the right thing by laying low, it’s easy to assume that peer-pressure is at work against me – that idea is painful. It was a relief to believe that it’s just part of the growing up process – and that’s probably exactly what it is.
Scupper – Thanks for coming by – I’m always glad to see you!
Charity – Exactly – I know I put my parents through it too!
Tijo – I think that’s precisely what I was trying to show here. There’s the “normal” part of parenting, then there’s the layer of issues that cannot be controlled – the “extra” fears. In this case, I had to own that they were probably mine.
Steve – Thanks. In a universal sense, it just showed me how often, as parents, we project our fears/expectations onto our kids, even when we don’t want to. It also made me appreciate my own parents a bit more.
Wakingupslowly – Thank you for your insight, and your kind words. The next day, the Giant and I were on our way to the store, and I apologized to him, much as you suggested. It ended up being a pretty cool conversation. On our way back from the store, we ended up talking a little bit of basketball, but I made sure to let him lead the conversation.
The thing that struck me after writing this piece was how universal it is to accidentally project our fears/expectations onto our kids – it’s such a tough balance: be careful about this thing that I fear, but don’t let it paralyze you.
Dcvdickens – Yep – change is in the air . . . we’ll get there!
Jeff – Thanks, man. Was it a good thing having to read it twice, or was I too subtle? :~)
Walter – Parenting a teenager is perilous, no matter what the circumstances!
Happy 40th and much love and PRIDE!
Robin - :~) xox
I must tell you, if it's any consolation, my son, who sounds like Giant, would often not want his dad or me to go to something. He would be adamant, it always hurt, in that same way that you describe. I finally figured out it was not about me or his dad, it was something that he did not want us to be peering at.
Word is they let you back in later in life, I am still waiting.
I choose to believe that Giant wants for you to see him at his best.
Lifehalflived – I think you’re probably right . I certainly had similar experiences with my folks. Just too easy to project my own fears into the mix sometimes . . .
Sandra – Amen. Without idealism, we have nothing to shoot for!
Coyote – Bless you, woman. Your empathy touches my heart as well - we work shoulder to shoulder in this way. I think this is how we make the world better – we are all more alike than we are unalike. We learn as we live.
Melissa: If it’s any consolation, Franny and Zooey went through an adolescent phase of wanting to independent—and they’re birds! Instead of landing on our heads and our arms all the time and cuddling up to us like they had as fledglings, they became more distant and even flew to the other side of the room when we entered. I know it doesn’t compare to the heartbreak of what you’re going through, but it really did hurt when they did this. They had learned to fly and eat and drink all on their own, and they no longer had as much of a need for us. Within a few weeks or maybe a month, they grew more affectionate toward us again, and they haven’t changed since. It was just some weird teenager rebellion thing they had to go through, and then they were back to their friendly, crazy selves again.
Melissa: It’s heartrending to watch someone we’ve come to care so much for have to go through this painful uncertainty. It makes me even angrier about the viral bigotry and ignorance that has made this country such a hostile environment for anyone different—and especially the GLBT community, since they are among the few groups it’s actually considered “acceptable” to hate. Until people begin feeling shame and disgust about the haters—instead of the wrongfully hated—the ignorant are going to continue thinking it’s okay to keep hating.
Michael: You and Raven have a lot of courage. I admire you both.
Melissa: Yes, we think both of you are wonderful.
@Michael: “the added dimension of being in a relationship that society is prejudiced against makes this experience all the more difficult. That must be very hard. That must hurt. A lot.”
Although it does hurt sometimes, it usually doesn’t hurt within our home. It adds an extra layer to the confusion of relationships and parenting, though. We spend most of our time focusing on the blessings, which helps a lot.
@Melissa - I hadn’t thought about our animal friends! I’m glad you mentioned your experience with Franny and Zooey, because it reminded me that we’ve seen the same thing in our cats (too numerous to name, lest I leave one out). And thanks for your support. We live in a very rural area, where stereotypes are born and raised; knowing that there is a wider world out there which actively works against the hate/fear gives us courage to do what we can do, even in our little corner.
@M&M: You are both quite wonderful yourselves. So glad you are here on OS!
peece and love,
dj
I feel your pain, and frankly I am shocked my almost 13 daughter doesn't already take more detours on her way home from school in Tokyo, but I know those days are coming. Here, since the trains stop from midnight to 5, the clubbing kids stay out all night, and I think, OMFG! But the mom whose daughter is already doing this reassures me so far, so good, and I think, I wonder if it's because she's British. Maybe they just don't have enough American anxiety.
I need to find my taped and held together with a rubberband copy of _Woman On The Edge Of Time_ and read it again, and maybe you'd find comfort in it, as well. I don't remember much of the domestic violence/sci-fi conflict plot, but I still vividly remember my mind being blown in college with the concept of a society that lets kids choose when they want to leave home on a vision quest of sorts and rename themselves and build their own hut (which everyone has), and how much I would have adored that. (The beauty of my parents' obsession with my sports "career"; they didn't even know I'd been editor of the school paper for two years until the last months of my senior year! And given their obsessiveness, why would I have told them?)
So I try to remember that, even as I lament, My baby, my baby, how did you get so quickly to the antsy time? I suspect it's heartbreaking no matter how much they reject your having discovered them on the radar or include you in their blinking progress across the screen.
So I listen to Nanci Griffth's version of "Turn Around" and cry every time my daughter goes out the door, and remember how proud I was the first time she ran out that door to play without me and what a luxury those quiet moments were to read a book, and now, of course, I have more minutes of silence than I can count, and they are only going to increase until she leaves home, and suddenly I want to change the obviously poor example I've set of only calling my mom once a week! (Note to "Sandwiched Generation" self: Teach daughter and mother how to Skype. As soon as I learn.)
A wonderfully written read. Sorry for your heartbreak, but I hope the writing was healing.
Jimenace – Thanks, dj – I know that they love me too, so the fact that it came through in my writing does me a great honor, in that the fact came through honestly.
Lea – No doubt things are better. Even things that Giant says about people he goes to school with signal that the tides are moving. Slowly, but they’re moving.
ButchyBabbles – You know exactly what I’m talking about! And I may need to look into that book. My own bit of comfort in trying times is “The Fifth Sacred Thing” by Starhawk. Good luck in Tokyo – we live in a microscopic rural town, where everything is within walking distance (especially for a Giant), and I’m not sure if that’s better or worse. Thanks for your kind words – heartbreak is part of parenting, period, and the writing always seems to bring additional clarity.
Nana – I love knowing that you’re in our corner!
You are not ashamed of him, he is not ashamed of you. But the shame that others directed toward you made you want to protect him. He wants to protect you from the shame that other people direct toward him.
He's a good man. A good man is always frustrating and hard to deal with. We teach our children to have sense and spines and to handle things on their own. You've done just fine.
Now the hard part. Trusting that he'll take what you gave him and letting him go with it when he asks.
This is about him. You're right to be proud.
And happy 40th!
Dicea – I love the clear reality of “Stands to reason that dealing with him will suck for you just as much as dealing with you has sucked for him in the past.” That is exactly it!! And yeah. The trusting thing. Jeez.
Maria – You are exactly right – giving space is not the easiest transition, but we hope and we try to trust. So far so good. Now let us pray! And thanks – 40 years is a good start!
Just read the comments, which confirms what I'm telling you. This kind of thing is typical. I even had to teach myself to drive. To nerve-racking having parents in the car.
I trust by this time you're feeling much better and any Cuervo that's going down is in celebration of those brave folks at Stonewall.
Excellent post.
“Hello” – Thanks for coming by. :~)
Dorelvis – I hadn’t really thought of it that way – that he trusts us enough to tell us not to come. Excellent point. Thanks for your insight!
I am so, so, so late to this. You did a magnificent job balancing your family's voices and yours. I'm so glad that this is on the cover.
Brava!
At dinner, when we asked our second son what he did in school that day, he said, "Stuff."
Take heart in Mark Twain, who commented that when he was 18, he believed his father to be stupid, and when he reached 21, he was amazed by how much the man had learned in three years.
Applies to mothers, too.
Thanks for sharing.
Owl takes us into realms of paradise. Owl_no stub_toes.
Be careful.
I only know what people 'should' or 'must' say ... "..." on ant given day. And what I accidently read. I wish people would not say "You 'should' ot 'must' behave today. Owl_Says_So "..." that these are good reads.
I believe that.
I was told:`
"You 'should' get an avatar."
Maybe I 'must' be androgynous?
I am not certain about what now?
I read Hermaphrodite wore a nighty.
Ay, hoot owl. Owl_Says_So? O okay.
I hopes I understood Owl_Says_`So?
I enjoyed Sir Owl_Say:`cook goo soup.
ConnieMack – My, thank you!
AtHomePilgrim – Great Twain comment – thanks for that, and nice to know ours is not the only son who never has much to say about his daily life!
Mr. Mustard – I so appreciate your perspective – thanks!
Sir Arthur – Always glad to see you! I think you understand perfectly, and thanks so much for your kindness. I try to be very careful, even when I don’t behave. “Shoulds” and “musts” are so over-rated, don’t you think?
I meant to say:`General Stonewall Jackson was fighting 'round here along the Potomac River.
There's Dam # 5, and 4- locks.
Then, you can go to Paw Paw.
That'd the poor man banana.
Owl_Says_So:`It's okay to eat?
It's too mushy:`No fight overs
potato peals or banana skins.
Owl_Says_So need chiding's.
Owl_Says_So no wear thong.
no intentionally do one wrong.
But they never let MY lack of enthusiasm for their enthusiasm lessen their enthusiasm. My parents are both gone now, and I can wear their interest in me as a child, that was beyond my comprehension, like a luxurious, comfortable garment now. It is with me now that I understand it better. Dont you let his inability to understand now stop your enthusiasm either. He will appreciate it later.
Thanks for sharing. You're a great parent. I hope I'm that good someday.
;)
Rated
Gwendolyn – Thanks – and I hope you’re right!
KOB – Hey brother! Thanks, man – very much appreciate your take on the story. I guess we’re all growing together, right?
Blessings to all those who were involved in the Stonewall Riots. I support any and all GLBT rights. Sad that the fight still has to continue on for so long.
It IS gonna be okay.
marytkelly - God/dess bless you. I love what you are writing, also, BTW.
cruelwench - It pains me to call you by your screen-name, as I sense that it is a tiny part of the story. Maybe Giant and your 15 year old would hit it off . . . they could talk about everything they don't want to talk about with us!
I found myself empathizing with the Giant, though. I always had an independent streak, and I was always a bit of a perfectionist. I didn't want anyone to see something that wasn't a finished product. I took piano lessons, for example, but I wouldn't practice if there was anyone else in the house. Same thing with the guitar. And with play practice. And marching band rehearsals. But it was never about my parents: it was always about me.
Like I said, great post. Rated.
RATED
I was one of those kids who died if either of my parents went to see me play ball or in the band and I was still very unsure of my abilities. I just didn't want them to see me screw up. Unfortunately that seldom became an issue because my mother came to almost none of my school events and my dad was usually working at a second job to keep food on the table. But had they come I would have been mortified. But, hey, that is just me.
Great dialogue.
Monte
Peacebeing - Thanks - I was really trying to see if I could do it in mostly dialogue. Giant will always be his Mom's baby, but he'll always be my boy.
Cindy - We all do the best we can, right? Namaste.