When I say we live in small town, I'm not kidding. Let me relate a few "facts:"
1. There are 2.5 gas stations, and there are more churches than bars; there are 2 bars.
2. There are 4 places you can sit down and eat -
a. Diner which serves breakfast and dinner (great homemade yeast rolls)
b. "Mexican" restaurant (read: overpriced American interpretation of what is served south of the border which is not enhanced by weekend karaoke)
c. the local interpretation of DQ (actually tastier than DQ)
d. a Subway sandwich place (I wonder if the ads will be for Metro tokens).
3. There is a stoplight, and there are train tracks.
4. There is a grocery store with a loose affiliation to a regional chain; it smells funny, and features flickering flourescent lights, wilted produce, and a surly staff with meth-mouth. Oh, and sometimes, the bag-boy makes out with the check-out girl at the cashier stand. Raven had an interview there; it ended with her text messaging the owner, "Stop exploiting your people." Yeah - that's another post.
5. Our links to civilization (also known as the gay community) is the occasional 90 minute drive to somewhere urban (where we are foreigners, but could be worse), and DirecTV (thank God/dess for LOGO). Oh yes - and OS!
6. We are "outlanders." (Click the link if you need a refresher for "Children of the Corn." We are south of that. We have no blood here.) I have a college education, and a basic MidWestern accent; Raven and Giant have the same accent, and it is not southern.
The obvious question is, what's a nice dyke like you doing in a place like that? How we got here is a whole 'nother story (yep, that'll have to be another post), but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I've come to believe that we are meant to be in J-ville, in spite of
Things I Miss the Most
I miss
a gathering
of people who may
not love and live the same
way I was raised whose ideas come
from farther than 20 miles down the road
and whose skin and language may not look and
taste like wonderbread - white and without nutrition.
I miss
the "family"
of those who say that
god is love but call me/mine
an abomination and make others fear
to embrace me despite my heart of light and
whose dark words and thoughts and threats cause me
to sacrifice myself myself myself and therefore others and
therefore the truth because MY cost TO love is greater than the cost
they assign to their precious wonderbread - white and without nutrition.
I miss
the promise
of a rainbow because
it only means that god saved
the earth for another flood perhaps
of blood and I do not see the (p)flag let alone pride
I miss
holding your
hand when we walk
anywhere in public and
kissing you in the light of day
anywhere but our home and NOT thinking
about whether the shades are drawn at night before
I draw your body to to mine as if I want to dance or devour
I miss
what others
take for granted
every goddamn day
just because they make a
steady diet of the motherfucking
wonderbread of the body of christ washed
down with blood - red and white and without nutrition.
Just add the blue 'cuz that's what we eat in ass-fuckin' nowhere.
Amen.
________________________
Is this really about me? Is that my voice? Yes . . . and no.
I'm 41 years old. My wife is 39. My son is 15. We have lived in metro areas, and out in the sticks. We read. We watch. We listen. We travel when we can. We know there is a larger world out there. We are lucky. We have each other.
The GLB folks we've met so far, especially teens, often do not have that advantage. There is no Pride Parade, even on TV (except LOGO, if one has access). There is no community, at least not one that's recognizable as such. I was trying to get this done as part of pride month, but couldn't quite make it. Then I realized how perfect it was: there is no pride here. June is just another month.
So yeah, I miss a lot of things. But at least I know they exist.
We didn't move here with a mission - but we are making a life. As we do, we are learning that like a desert, there may be more living things here than meet the eye. We hope that our being here brings a candle.
We're Here, We're Queer, But Quietly - for now.
But also this - to OS:
grinning at his gun
fingers start shaken
i begin to run
bullets start chasing
i begin to stop
we begin to wreslte
i was on the top
i want to thank you for letting me be myself again
i want to thank you for letting me be myself again
step off'n the collar
slugged me in the face
chit chat chatter trying
shoved me in the place
thank you for the party
but i could never stay
many things are on my mind
the way
i want to thank you for letting me be myself again
i want to thank you for letting me be myself again
dance to the music
all night long
everyday people
sing their simple song
mama's so happy
mama starts to cry
papa's still singing
you can make it if you try
i want to thank you for letting me be myself again
i want to thank you for letting me be myself again
i want to thank you for letting me be myself again
i want to thank you for letting me be myself again
i want to thank you for letting me be myself again
i want to thank you for letting me be myself again
i want to thank you for letting me be myself again
i want to thank you for letting me be myself again...
____
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Comments
Thanks for this post. You are good people out there in the sticks.
One question though, what's a .5 gas station?
to embrace me despite my heart of light and whose dark words and thoughts and threats cause me to sacrifice myself."
This makes me want to give you a big hug. I'm so glad you three have each other.
Rated.
Namaste Owl, Raven and Giant.
And Yet - Thanks for asking! It's the gas station that looks like it's in service, but I never see cars at the pumps. The place is open, I just can't quite figure out what their deal is.
Steve - Thanks, Steve. There's no choice about keeping it lit. We will.
MB - Most of the time, we just bite down hard. And there are parts of the world where we'd be dead by now. And our country is changing, little by little - I just have to believe that even when I don't.
Natalie B - Thanks. Hugs back atcha'!
LadyMiko - Thanks.
JK - Sometimes I wonder if I am deluding myself, trying to make a mission where none exists. But when you've got lemons, get some tequila and have a party. Thanks so much for your light here. Namaste.
Robin - ((hugs)). Goddamned right these are.::grins::
;)
I like yourself!
Sharon
There are some really nice things about small towns, and sometimes a willingness to live and let live is one of the best. If I were in your shoes (and I'm not), I'd provide a small clue and let people adjust to it. Then another one and give it time. Eventually someone would ask, and I would answer honestly. Actually, I think this is how I came out to my mother and father. :) People don't like to get sexual orientation rammed down their throats sometimes.
There must be kindred spirits hidden away there, as you mention. Anger and hiding isn't good for you (maybe especially you), and finding some compatriots could really lighten your load.
I sure don't have the religious background you discussed. I'm not into it, was never indoctrinated into it, and am not interested. That really complicates things for lots of people. It's tough to watch.
Owl, please don't feel defensive if your posts get missed. Would you be willing to inform me when you do post so I can properly support you? I'll bet Robin Sneed would like to know, too.
Life Is Good - It's a pleasure to be of any service I can - Rock on!
Lainey - Blessings to you. It may be that you're feeling some of what led up to putting this together. Sometimes the tears make room for the next phase. I have a couple of choices - get crushed, or find another way to go at it. I'm consciously trying to find another way to go at it.
Leslie - Actually, I've been amazed at the humanity around me. The most surprising thing are the little ways in which we make room for each other. As you say, we do provide the clues, and wait awhile.
Little by little, the kindred spirits are appearing. It's fascinating. Many of them bring a great deal of baggage. But, we find the common ground.
My anger is born of frustration, and although it may be righteous at times, I take a lot of care not to allow it to damage others, usually to the point of just repressing it. Recently, I realized that if I don't find a way to channel it, I may spontaneously combust, which is not an option.
I would not recommend my religious background for anyone as an option. Period.
And as for the last thing - sure, I'll give it a shot. I really don't stress too hard if someone misses a post - there's a lot of great stuff to read, and often limited time to read it.
:~) Blessings, Leslie.
:D love logging in and seeing your Owl icon, Thanks for being online and accessible to me/us, even if you are stuck physically in the boondocks (though, if you guys have a stop light, it can't be all that small)
Slow, slow me.
Sucks to be expected to feel grateful for what the crumbs, when others get to take the whole loaf for granted--to extend the bread metaphor.
Spudman - Thanks for reading - it's great to see you around again - we've missed you!
JK - Tonight, I feel flaming - so you must have caught the thought. Ouzo - now that's great for flaming.
Mrs. M. - Welcome . . . that's why I had to conclude with that vid - I needed to feel myself dancing, so to speak.
Progress is made one step at a time - three forward two back - always forward never straight!
remember, you always have us.
awwwwwwww, sweetie. I have a bumper sticker on my car that says, "Shed light, not blood". That's your candle, offering light and hope. There are good people there, and your candle will continue to bring them out and shine a loving glow on your family.
All the best to you and yours tonight.
aaron - It's just universal, I guess . . . the feeling of isolation whether because of socio-economic/education levels, race, orientation, rural or city. Just part of the gig on the planet.
Sandra - Your comments bless me, more than you may realize. And LOL - you see now why I read your NY posts with jealousing!
Do you have anyone involved with the Gay Rodeo circuit there? When I lived in the middle of nowhere, I knew many Gays who were as country as they could be. Good people.
There is the true problem, this is not right, more churches than bars!??! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
;)
Zuma - I'll take that candle - thanks - we need all the light we can get! I'll put some feelers out about the Gay Rodeo - it ain't rodeo country, but you never know!
Tink - Yeah, well, I happen to agree with you.
christine - Glad it hit in a good place!
Does that mean a gay pride parade is going to go over well out there in the hustings? I seriously SERIOUSLY doubt it. But I have also interacted with gay people in small communities whose orientation was widely known without anyone giving them a big bag of grief over it.
I also acknowledge I could be discounting all of this given I am not gay and given I personally could care less about it.
I appreciate, very much, your acknowledgement - and offer my own: I realize that what I've written is from my observation so far - the people I've met and gotten to know in this area - there may well be more to this community than is evident.
Coyote - Hugs back at ya'! And thanks. It's good to have a place I can shout once in awhile, among friends.
Rrrrrrrated!
Ric - I'm honored. Thanks for letting me know.
Bees Tone - So glad you're glad! Truly - thanks for letting me know.
I have friends in a small PA town. Their gay neighbors are out with a handful of neighbors and friends but are otherwise quiet. They're certainly not out to the degree that many of my LGBT friends in Chicago are. My hope is that tolerance will grow and that we'll see legal gay marriage nationwide in my lifetime.
Thanks for sharing your fireworks. Keep on being yourself. I'm glad you're here on OS.
On bad days, I have a countdown clock running in my head. On good days, I think maybe we can help create a better community for all citizens. I guess that's the nature of the biz!
Yes, yes, yes, how to channel those feelings because, YES, it's good to express them. As others have said, small ponds can be hard, but they can also be fiercely loyal. It's that one soul at a time thing, and you are definitely doing the missionary work (though I'm sure you do it in more than one position).
It's hard being the entire diversity committee, I know, and damn that "L Word" for finally getting Japanese subtitles! A year ago, I had the entire country thinking all dykes in America looked like me! And now I've been relegated to Ivan and Max again, and Shane of course looks like all the metrosexual men here, so what's the biggie?
I tell ya, sometimes you jist gotta drag out the Tammy: "Sometimes it's hard to be a butchy, givin' all your love to just one femme...."
Rock on and Happy 4th! And FedEx me some hot dogs! Oh, for a real hot dog in this country, woe! They say there's a Nathan's in Tokyo; maybe I'll go find it today to have my own little celebration and maybe even shed a tear that Palin resigned--Damn, but Tina Fey was so good at her! Who are we going to laugh at now? But she was definitely a personality, and that, to me, is the best part of America. Thanks for sharing yours with us so well.
Man! I'm always arriving late. Small town life often sucks for this home grown homo too. On the one hand the people I work with would fight anybody who fucked with me on the other they are the first to tell a stupid gay joke behind my back. I don't mind the ones to my face unless they are hateful. The propensity for gossip though does achieve one thing. It means never having to come out since someone else has already done it for you.
My father lives in Southern Indiana maybe I'll visit and we'll have one of those drinks you keep talking about and compare notes.
One of the huge differences between a small town and a bigger city is that in small places you can't really choose your community and screen out the other parts. It's harder to be different in a small town because it's more obvious what one is different *from*, and that can feel like rejection. It's harder to escape from the negative aspects — the raised eyebrows, the gossip, the nasty asides. On the other hand, very few of those people would leave you to bleed by the side of the road, and I've come to believe that because small-town people feel more sense of reponsibility for others, they may also feel more deeply judged when others make different choices.
Like, for example, when we still choose to value the body and blood of Christ. ;)
Tijo - You are so right. Again, the perspective is much welcomed. Helps me to see the bigger picture inside the smaller one, and recoginize the aspects of small town living which really are pretty good.
BBE - :~). Thanks, man. I'm honored.
I have great esteem for those who value the body and blood of Christ, when they also practice Christ's love of humanity. Unfortunately, Christianity is not always practiced as I believe Christ intended it - probably just a product of being human.
It is a fine line that I try to walk, balancing my anger against the things that are said in Christ's name with my recognition that sometimes we have to agree to disagree and live peacefully together. My anger is due, in part, to the teaching of Christianity which was, uh, very hard on my spirit in many ways. And still is.
Nonetheless, thank you for taking time to comment at length, and to remind me of some aspects of small-town life (and Christianity) that I am thankful for.
Truly, thank you.
This is an Independence Day lament that shows that regardless how far we have come in this nation, we have further to walk. This is a plea for rationality and common sense as much as it is a cry for being treated equally to everyone else. Wonderful post!
I live in a town much like yours, probably a bit bigger, around 4000, in the hills of northern Appalachia. Mostly rednecks, and a few weird, by their standards, liberals like me.
I learned something in the election tho. When they closed the curtain in the voting booth they voted for Obama. Never in history have they voted for a black man for anything, since around here black people need not apply. We have a few blacks in town, maybe 100, quite a few of whom are friends. One lives next door to me. Good neighbor.
In the two churches we served in the valley all the people were white. There were no openly gay or lesbian members but gays were welcomed. Several of the straight members had children who were gay and lesbian.
The several gay and lesbian couples and singles in the congregation chose not to "come out." It was interesting in that everyone in the congregation knew that they were gay or lesbian, and did not care.
Part of that was because the congregations were, while conservative, in liberal denominations, (UCC and Moravian) and they had heard much about openness and acceptance from the denomination, at national and state meetings, and, most of all, from their pastor.
They knew unequivocally where I stood and while my strong position on the issues of race and sexual orientation were counter to what they grew up with, they respected them and even the deeply prejudiced ones felt nervous when they spoke negatively. I was glad they were nervous, they should have been ashamed. I called many of them into my office and told them they were wrong.
I ministered to the gay and lesbian couples, had some in counseling for regular marital problems, and worked with a couple of teens who were wrestling with their sexual identity. In no case did I push for any of them to "come out" and accepted that, for their own reasons, they chose not to.
I think, however, that with a safe church home and with the already accepting knowledge of the church members without them coming out, that they would have been accepted had they come out.
So I have some understanding of the dynamics of racial and sexual orientation issues in very small, conservative villages.
It surely isn't like in the cities, but it is real, it exists, and, for the most part, is tacitly acknowledged and accepted in many circles in the villages, but not generally.
Still a long way to go.
My gay uncle, Billy, who really adored as a kid, went through almost the same issues in small town Kansas as I was growing up in the 40s. He was accepted through high school, partly because of his amazing singing and piano playing abilities, but to really be who he was he felt he had to move to Topeka where there were others who were more understanding. There he met and fell in love with George who was his lover and soul mate for the rest of his life. Quite a story I will have to write one day.
I admire your bravery, your restraint in dealing with prejudice, and your love of your family.
I think of this post as a significant statement of what American can and should be as we stop and celebrate this Independence Day.
Good on you.
Monte
Monte - Thanks so much for your input. Your understanding of this issue never ceases to amaze and bless me. It gives me hope for the future - not just mine, but the country's.
C Berg - I hear ya'. I do understand. My son tells me that things are better than they were when I was in high school, so there's always hope.
Nora - LOL - thanks. Just tryin' to find a way to niether implode nor explode. The candle is sacred to us.
Mama Lou - So glad to see you! Thanks for your read, I trust your sense of these things.
I feel your yearning for the everyday little things, while at the same time, railing like hell against the common joke that is the "whitebread ideal": cold, souless and vacuous.
Around here, those tiny little tucked away small towns are usually the most liberal and accepting and cool. So if you ever want to relocate, I can direct you to some prime real estate, with a whole lotta soul.
Keep on keepin on, Owl. Thanks for a heartfelt, wonderfully creative post.
Karin - I'll keep that offer in mind! And blessings, Karin.
Our reaction was pretty much "Okay, so?" It didn't change the way we felt about them.
I wish it had been the same with late hubby's best friend at the time, his best man at our wedding. His brother told us he that the friend was gay, he found out his brother told us, and never answered another call from us. It was heartbreaking for both of us. We loved him & I still wish we had the opportunity to tell him we'd only stop loving him if he kicked puppies or yelled at children or old people.
here in Australia.
Being both male,and straight,did not make any difference to the
town gossip mongers.
I would hate to think what would have happened,had we been gay.
You write with sincerity,and compassion.
But city or small town alike, you would be welcomed and embraced by me and by my family and friends... not all of them; some cling too hard to their wonderbread... but change is coming, Owl, in our small towns and churches and nation, and love will win. It will.
Peter - It helps to realize that the gossip isn't limited to us. I know it's not, but once in awhile . . . it just feels that way. Thanks, Peter.
annette - :~) Change is hard, but you're right, it is coming. Between all of us, we will win. We have to. Thanks, annette!
Yes.
Proud.
Thank you for writing and sharing this.
rated for your truth
ladyfarmerjed - I knew you'd understand . . . I'll keep SE Michigan in mind. And thanks for being your awesome self as well.
Gwendolyn - Awwwww, shucks. Thanks for being here too - I have been consisently amazed and impressed and moved and inspired by how much connection exists on OS, as writers and as people, as if it's possible to separate the two. Blessings, Gwen.
You guys must be damned strong to live in such a "wonder land of normality." I don't know how you do it. My wife and I lived in two small towns in our lifetime together. We hated them both with a passion. It was difficult to be around people of such narrowness and we aren't gay, so I can't imagine how tough things are for the two of you.
But you're right. You have eachother and your son. Everything else is fodder.
RATED for your strength.
Dammit. i was going to guess that it was the station that gave you half the gas for the same price. Small towns are like that, you know :-)
Eventually, the midwest will come around to us queers.
I guess living in San Diego just shouting distance from Los Angeles and then from San Francisco I tend to forget there's other states as well.
But in the end, as long as the three of you are happy and no one gives you serious crap that's all that matters.
Oh by the way, San Diego is having its Gay Pride next week. Michael asked me if I wanted to go with him.
The dude's 6'2" and weighs 240. He's a body builder!! And he wanted me to go with him??
I have never ever dated anyone this good looking in my entire life!! Never!! What does he see in me??
I'll keep you posted.
You know, we have lots of gay couples with infants, babies, toddlers, preteens, teenagers, etc who do go to the Pride events. Last years I saw male couples with infants.
I wanted to cry!! It was so beautiful! So if you guys ever want to come to San Diego and live, you'll fit in wonderfully.
As for the gas station, we do have a place that sells 89 octane for the same price as 87 octane - at the 87 octane price! We consider that a plus.
Luis G - we've missed you! Looking forward to hearing all about all of it. ((((Luis))))
Yep, one day at a time. Always forward, never straight!
Verrry nice~
I wish you could come visit here - I live just outside of Northampton, Mass., where it's weird to NOT be gay. That's a slight exaggeration, but I'm so used to living here that I'm startled at intolerance.
It's a bubble - a really great bubble - but I'm glad you reminded me that it's easy to be complacent when the shit is not happening to you or around you.
It's far braver to make a family and a life in an outpost than it is to marinate in acceptance. I applaud you. You and your family rock!