"Owl, I never know what you're really thinking - you choose your words so carefully that don't feel like . . . I don't feel like I can trust what you say," Raven said.
I wasn't sure how to respond to that, which was just as well, since she continued.
"I love you, but it's like you never have an unguarded moment, like you've always got an editor running through the lines before you say anything. Maybe you're just telling me what you think I want to hear . . . "
We were driving somewhere in the city, in a late-night drizzle, the windshield wipers thumping intermittantly. Baby Giant was deeply dreaming Baby Giant things, softly sighing, strapped into his carseat behind us. And I was stymied.
So early in our relationship (only maybe a year-ish?), I knew a few things could so easily tip the balance.
I knew how vulnerable she was, as a single mother.
I knew she had just left an abusive relationship - in part because there was a ghost of a chance that she and I . . . even though there were no promises.
I knew she was scared that I would not be able to deal with my internal conflict between heaven and hell (aka straight or gay), and I wasn't "out" yet with my family.
I knew she wanted to be able to trust me, and that she needed to learn to trust, at all.
This last thing I knew because I needed to learn to trust, at all.
And I knew that if I said: "honey of course I'm afraid of hell and losing whatever has passed for sanity up until now and losing the people that raised me as they condemn me and I have no idea how to be in a relationship or be a parent or be myself inside my own motherfucking skin and I have no idea if I can do it or go the distance but goddamn it I'm banking my soul that I'll figure it out or die trying and hopefully not go to hell in the process and above all I will not let the fear of bullshit stop me from trying to learn and understand and be there for you because there's no way I want to lose you or the Giant because frankly it would break my heart in ways I never knew existed before you looked into me and loved me anyway in spite of the fear and I looked into you and loved you anyway in spite of the fear and perhaps you don't know how determined I am yet but by God I do and so help me I will give it my best regardless of anything anyone can throw at me and if it doesn't work I will rise from the ashes but give me a motherfucking chance and you will see it and I will see it too I hope I'm right about this I hope I'm right about this I hope I'm right about this"
I knew that if I said that, she would be more afraid. I knew that I would be more afraid hearing myself say it, because saying it out loud might make my own fears more real. So I didn't.
My hands gripped the wheel just a little tighter, and I looked straight ahead before speaking.
"I don't know what to say to that, except that I'm doing the best I can. If I could give you a map of the fucked up maze that is my mind, complete with keys to the locks of the rooms I haven't visited in years, and directions to all the jerry-rigged security systems, I would give you free reign there."
"Right, right - we've been over this, it's impossible."
I was waiting for the light to change so that I could make a left, the blinker doing the click clack click clack in counter rhythm to the wipers, the rain randomly spattering. No headlights behind me. I looked her in the eye.
"It's that I don't know how. But if I could, and you did, you'd know that I'm not lying. There's a lot of shit behind the walls, but I would never lie to you, not about something so serious."
I saw the green arrow in the periphery, let out the clutch, and rounded the corner.
Raven was staring out the window, thinking. I tried again.
"Honey, it helps when you ask me what you want to know, or tell me what you're seeing. Sometimes the question is the key. I don't even know where the keys are to a lot of things."
"Sure. I ask a question, you formulate an answer. Why can't you just be straight with me?"
"It didn't work for me in the first place," I replied, looking over my glasses to try and catch her eye.
She didn't move. Didn't crack a smile.
"Fine, why can't you just tell me things?"
"I wish I knew how. I'm trying to learn. What do you want to know?"
"Right - like I can trust that. You're too smooth, like it's happening to someone else - how do you live that way?"
And I knew that if I said: "hell if I know how does anyone live how do you live talking about how it felt how it still feels how it will feel how does that change any fucking reality of any of it at least i'm trying to keep it together at least i'm trying and I've always had a fucking editor every since I can remember there's been something someone some reason that I couldn't just burst out with it all as if there's a wall between different parts of my existence and it's taken me everything to get this far and why do you still question my love when I would do anything I could think of to ensure yours"
I knew that if I said that, I would sound more insane than I felt, and needier than anyone should be, and that would scare her, which would also scare me because I had to hear it in my voice, and that might make it true. So I didn't say it.
Instead, I kept driving, listening to the Baby Giant sigh at Baby Giant dreams, and the thump of the windshield wipers, and the spatter of the rain, and the never ending editor in my head.
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Comments
I also know how Raven feels/felt. It's tough when someone you love always has their guard up--it can be felt and is sometimes hurtful.
As I said, I have been on both sides, but I know you & Raven have been together for a long time, so obviously there is a lot of love there. It's tough to allow yourself to be vulnerable--I am still working on that too.
I relate more to Raven here, because my SU overuses his own editor. But I ached to feel your vulnerability, and the depth of your love for her and Giant both. I'm so glad you've made it.
Loved this.
rated
How mightily we struggle to know and better ourselves and perfect our love.
Glad you're through. Or at least part-way....
You like Anna Nalick?
"There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around."
Love that freakin song.
David had to teach me how to communicate. I thought I knew how. I was a great listener. I knew how to make people feel good. But I had no idea how to talk about myself or about my own feelings.
I'm so, so glad that you have the love of your life. It's so obvious that you two were meant to be together.
Kisses!
Marcela
The editor will die. But you will have more abundant life, if I can paraphrase the bible a little.
And hell? Forget hell. It's for people who never learn to kill the editor.
You told this so very effectively that I can feel for both of you. Communicating is, to my mind, the hardest part of a relationship but the fact that you are so aware of the issues shows that you are trying and that's all a person can do.
Maybe take a single topic and that bothers Raven and start the conversation and just try to be honest about your feelings. Who knows where it will lead, but she will know it matters to you if you initiate the talk. It will show that her feelings matter to you. Or you could delete this as I'm not sure I know what I'm talking about.
I don't know if you so much have your guard up, as you just stop and think before you speak. That's not a bad thing.
To edit
or
Not to edit?
I think we all have part of that issue.
Looks like you are figuring out the balance.
Cheers to you for striving to be "better" that shows growth which is vital for any relationship.
Wait, should I have said that?
I don't know that we can do anything to ensure another's love...love is a free fall...I think it's about what we bring, trying to stay focused on what we bring, and not about what we get or trying to lock things in....this is just so wonderful, Owl. xox
By the way, have you read it?
It's really fucking good.
Now, for substance - I have a strong internal editor and really wouldn't want not to. The rare occasions when I've blurted something out carelessly, I've regretted.
I'm going out on a limb here and say than I sense that there is something else going on, not that you are withholding. Maybe Raven isn't quite expressing what it is; maybe it calls for delicately examining the issue.
AshKW - It never ceases to amaze me how the simplest things can be so fucking hard. But we learned a lot.
JustJuli - I know that feeling. I call it being stuck in my head. I hate it.
Chuck - It could have easily done the same to me. It almost did.
micalpeace - I always think there must be a balance in there, somewhere. Here's to finding it!
Harry - But of course.
dharmabummer - Perfecting our love . . . that alone is a wonderful image. Thank you.
ConnieMack - Yep. When we hit that term in psych, I understood it immediately. I still have a hard time with it, but I keep making my way through the tunnel. I'm going to look that song up.
Just Pamela - I know there's a balance in there somewhere!
Delia - I have often wondered why I have such a strong instinct to hide. But I try to take any opportunity to step a little outside my comfort zone, if only to see if that instinct is justified. I usually find that it's far safer than I thought.
Gwen - I wonder if it hearkens back to the church thing . . . it's such a learning process to un-learn!
Marcela - My sister. Thanks so much for your thoughts on this!
AtHomePilgrim - De acuerdo, y gracias.
Stim - Exactly.
Stephen - It's the thing I keep learning . . . and you are so right. I'm trying to train the editor to come "on call" for the occasional mission of diplomacy!
Life Is Good - I think the awareness of the issues is what got us through. It's gotten a helluva lot better, and it is a labor of love.
VR - I've done that too - written it down and erased it. I asked Raven last night whether I was right not to talk about those things at the time . . . she said she wasn't sure, but we're both glad to be able to talk about them now.
Sirenita - She's more than strong enough. I know that now. I didn't know that then. She didn't know that then either. I'd still love your editor's number, though - you are so right about the dynamics of communication.
jenshrader - More often than not, it's never "just me" - but I keep forgetting that fact!
(((1_I_M))) - When I look back at that time in our lives, I feel bad for both Raven and myself. We both had waaay too much going on, but after trying some roads that didn't work, we're finding the ones that do.
1WomansVu - Thank you.
Z BITCH - I recommend contacting Sirenita, it sounds like she's got a good editor! Mine already works overtime far too often.
Ben - :~) Thank you, sir.
Michael - I listen to most advice, and try to do what I think will work. In this case - Raven and I have been together for nearly 14 years total - we consider ourselves extremely lucky and blessed to have gotten this far, and continue to learn as we go.
MAWB - Thinking before speaking is often a good thing; I've saved myself a lot of grief with that! The thing that was so hard, especially at that time, was the conflict within myself. I wanted to be able to talk about my inner conflicts, but was afraid they would scare her off - and the conflicts were not related to my love for her.
ladyfarmerjed - Cheers to you as well. The journey is a challenge, no?
Elena - I'm a Sagittarius, too. Apparently my other signs ganged up on the archer - or perhaps, my Sagittarius took some time off. And Raven and I have come a very long way from that ride in the car.
O'Really - Thanks, Lady.
Nonetheless, I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong - and that's how I perceived it at the time - that I was always wrong - and I knew, even at the time, that she wasn't putting that "wrong" on me.
It is nothing short of a miracle that she and I didn't give up.
Duaneart - Thanks, man. Even though that specific scene is probably 13 years old, it helped to write it out - it showed me how far I've come, and that I've still got miles to go. I'm okay with that (like there's a choice). And on your suggestion, I re-read it. My editor is satisfied, which is about as good as it gets in my head.
Sally - I talked with her about it last night. In the last five years, we've finally been able to talk about that time period without enormous pain on both sides. Thus begins the healing.
iamsurly - Sometimes it's hard to know - my editor works overtime, and needs a vacation.
Fab - I admire those who speak their minds - I know where they stand, and can make decisions accordingly.
littlewillie - Thanks, man.
SuznMaree - There was way too much going on at the time . . . and thankfully, we've done a lot of delicate examination. :~)
mamoore - Thank you. It felt good to find it again. Things have been jammed up lately. We are soooo much better than that rainy night - as individuals, and as a couple.
It has been said that anger is a response to pain. But it takes courage to look past the anger and see or feel the pain - whether our own or someone else's.
The wounds you speak of are sacred, in the same way I think of stretch marks on a mother's body. They should be considered holy because of what caused them.
(((Theo))) - I have a lot of early memories, but not of violence. There was a great deal of impotent rage, I think. One of the greatest gifts that Raven brought me was very simple: she was the first person who wanted to know what was going on behind the scenes.
That alone has allowed me to dig to the extent that I have.
I am Raven in my relationships. I know that pain, her pain. Thus it's good for me to see and read this side. I thank you for this.
Chicago Guy - I'll echo, too. We both had waaay too much going on, but after trying some roads that didn't work, we're finding the ones that do.
That vulnerability thing is a bitch. I don't know if I'll ever get there.
Rated.
That’s exactly what I was thinking after I read that first paragraph! I so hope you will share this exquisite piece of writing with Raven—complete with all that fabulous unedited internal dialogue!
And these lines are sheer poetry—in fact, I couldn’t resist structuring them as one:
We were driving somewhere in the city,
in a late-night drizzle,
the windshield wipers thumping intermittantly.
Baby Giant was deeply dreaming Baby Giant things,
softly sighing, strapped into his carseat behind us.
And I was stymied.
There’s such a melancholy loveliness to this passage, with a sweet domesticity and the clarity of a film scene. Wonderful writing, Owl, from a wonderful human being. It is an honor to be in your head, even if just for a few moments.
—Melissa
Oh my yes, I have been asked by quite a few people in my life for that map and keys for the many locked doors in my brain. I was told by my boss' boss' boss, "I want to get inside your head!" and I was like, no, no you don't!!
So yeah, I understand the locked doors. I also wear a lot of masks to hide my true feelings/pains inside and very rarely let them down. ~nodding~
Excellent post my friend! ~hug~ Rated, but of course.
TheBarkingLot4 - It helps that some time has passsed - I could barely put that stuff into words when it was occurring, because it took all my focus just to figure out how to deal with it. I'm honored that it has enough substance to be sent to others. Thanks, BarkingLot.
SpiritManSF - Heh, heh, heh, heh - I hear ya'!
Everyone is so wired differently from each other. Wisdom occasionally grants the ability to recognize the differences and accept them for what they are. There never seems to be enough wisdom to go around.
Rated.
Obviously you were, but but you've given us a powerful glimpse at the kind of moment we go through as we're still learning, against the odds, how to make something important work.
I also wish I had something wise to say. But I'm not exactly an expert on relationships and I am certainly no expert on how to come to terms with your own sexuality. I do hope you find a way to climb the walls of that maze, Owl. Once you get up there, the path to the other side is gonna be so easy.
Keep plugging away. Love will find a way, it almost always does.
Thank you so much for writing this out and for sharing it with us.
((dicea)) - Thank you for reading, dear heart.
My parents would say:`Be careful what you say.
Your word and reputation follow you to a grave.
People impugn and distort. No give 'um a bullet.
Meaning:`Careful. Try to be prudent / guarded.
"I don't even know where the keys are to a lot of things."
The keys are in your wonderful heart, my friend. I'm so honored to have seen the discovery of those keys. She and you are so lucky that you discovered your love, your selfless giving, despite the ultimate tribulations you'd pay.
I tip my Boomer Sooner ball cap to your wonderful life with your sweetheart. God, if there is one, is surely on your side, as am I. Oh, why can't people see that love is love? Why can't they accept it for what it is? I don't understand the pathetic lives of those who make life so difficult for you and your lovely family.
Who are they to pass their sanctimonious judgments upon others, upon those who’ve found real love? Are they but jealous, fucking morons, fucking idiots?
I truly wish life were easier for you and your love. I hope peace is yours, someday, somehow. I hope the world eventually sees love for what it is.
You, my lovely friend, inspire me. You confirm my beliefs, my wonder of real love.
Thank you
And Bob, you inspire me, too. Knowing that you are in the world reminds me how much goodness there is in it, even on difficult days. Thanks for being you, man.
Scruffus - Thanks for coming by. I will . . . you too!
But, I'll try anyway. I was in the car with you the whole time. It also felt as if you were inside my marriage a couple years ago. The best gift my husband ever gave me is to share his editor with me, but it has come with a lot of counseling and very slowly. I'm not sure that's for everybody, but it didn't scare me, it brought him into the fold of my soul. I'm new - loved your piece.
i really felt this place in real time, windshield wipers and all. i could feel the moments pass.
You just write from "the toes of your soul" as I call it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I have found a comrade in hearts. Blessed to tears.
I don't know why I do it, I'm just glad I have found GJI and I don't have to do that with everyone anymore.
Thanks for sharing this, I feel more normal knowing it's not just me!
Kirsty - It's not an entirely a bad thing, the editor. But it can really create a distance that isn't always necessary. Always glad when my experience can help someone else. More often than not, we're not alone.
mginmn - Thank you - my internal editor is getting a bit more . . . comfortable, these days. Little by little . . .
Joan - Thanks for coming by . . . I'm honored by your comment :~).