To say I’ve had a fucked up summer seems a bit of an understatement. If I were writing fiction, an editor would redline the sequence of events as over the top. Here’s the rundown:
Raven lost her job – well, walked out over some injustice and such.
I had something like an existential meltdown in June.
In late June, Raven's vehicle went "out of commision," leaving us with one vehicle. It appears to have been the fuel pump, but when the guy went to replace it, he found that the gas tank was about to rust away from the frame for good. The fuel pump may have saved her life. The vehicle is currently under re-construction at one of her friends’ houses. Next week should end my 3 month virtual house arrest due to lack of transportation in a rural area.
In July, our family ended up fleeing our house like the Israelites out of Egypt after a blowup with the landlord; safe purchase was found for the cats, and for each of us, but in separate places. Raven and Giant stayed with a friend whose intrusive parents live next door; the parents are basically good people who have major issues with people of color and homosexuals. So, with my work schedule and office location (45 minutes away), I stayed in the 4 bedroom/1 bath apartment in the office basement – the other tenants were construction workers rotating in and out of local assignments.
In August, I took a position with a start-up company doing similar work with similar hours, but with a chance at professional growth and a new challenge; I slept on a couch at a co-worker’s house while it was being renovated.
And most recently, my marriage of 11 years ended by mutual decision. Next week we would have celebrated 14 years since our first kiss.
Some of this I’ve written about. Some of it is too raw to write about.
Even in sum total, it doesn't compare to a lot of shit that’s happening in the world – and it’s not nearly as serious as some of the shit that is happening, or has happened, to folks right here on OS. In perspective, it could be a lot worse.
But this post isn't about that.
Here's what it's about:
I wanted to give a shout out to the OS community – just for being you.
When I needed to get out of my head, I’ve been able to read, rate, comment, party, and generally absorb myself in the flow here. (I love you guys.)
And when I needed to find a way to let off a little steam, or even a sort of whimper, you guys have blown me away with your kindness, warmth, and generosity of spirit.
At first, the little voice in my head - you know the one – said “that’s nice, but you know, what else are people supposed to say?” – as if it should be dismissed.
And then another voice, hopefully the wiser one, said, “yeah, but do you mean it when you leave comments?”
Well, yeah.
“Then it’s possible that these people mean it, too.”
And it took a minute for that to sink in. You know what that means?
It means that we matter. It means that these little electronic words matter. Whether we’re using our real names, or writing from behind an icon, our words matter. We matter.
For better or worse, we create a lot through our words.
I came to OS a little over 6 months ago, thinking I’d have a nice little place to try to rediscover my voice as a writer. I didn’t realize it was helping me rediscover my voice as a person – but it has, and it is.
So I want to say thank you. Those two words seem pretty small, by comparison to the blessings I have received here, but they’re all I’ve got right now.
The song below may seem like an odd choice. But here's the thing: as we share our stories with each other, we often find solace, advice, and companionship as each of us journey.
Pain and celebration, politics and punditry, teaching and learning, fun and frivolity - OS is a microcosm of humanity. I dig that.
Thank you, people of OS. Namaste.
Thank U
Alanis Morisette
How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm full up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence
The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down
How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping
Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence
.
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Roger Fallihee
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Comments
I'm glad I'm here, too. And any song by Alanis will work -- that one is especially appropriate.
The peacock has pretty feathers. The fancy bird is known to walk with bird feet that are considered - "Peacock Ugly" feet with very sharp toe nail claws.
sorry - ref:`
Raven, etc.,
`
If Ya were a Owl with ugly claws?
I'd manicure Ya Owl_Says_ stinky?
tease. I mean if Ya feet stink Ya free!
I am not a people or peacock pedicurist!
Owl? I'd trim Ya claws for a Leffe Boier!
If I be a marriage counselor? Oy Nature!
I'd buy Owl the bleu cheese? Ay and wine!
I mean:`I buy chocolate kisses for a office!
I know nothing about bird Owl _ex mates!
I pose no clues of, ref:`lover Owl_ostrich!
I am not sure about ref:`reproducing tap!
Open Salon comments that use (!) agitate!
This year has been pretty crappy for me, too, and my OS friends have been there for me and I am so thankful. Here's to a better year to come!
S
Hugs, wishing you peace, understanding and most of all, happiness.
skeletnwmn - LOL, I can only hope I can live up to that "human being" part. Glad you're here, too.
Chuck - Likewise, man. You were one of my first encouragers - back in the days of "mean."
Verbal - Dude, you know you're one of my heroes of rant, right?
Gary - Back atcha' man. Your work is iconic, in my frame of reference.
mginmn - Cool. We all need to feel good once in awhile - life's too short to be heavy all the time.
rita - Lady, I just call it like I see it. And I'm hoping the same thing.
Wordsmith - Exactly. We all do. Community can be a wonderful thing, and I find it to be so, here on OS. LOL on the wisdom, though!
Art - I'm always glad to see you. On my good days, I often understand you! Either way, you bring a smile to my face.
Life Is Good - I'll drink to that!
LadyMiko - I've started doing that very thing, actually. Eventually, some of it may end up here (for better or worse).
In reality I know very little about you; only what I read. But I know from some of your posts that you've been hurting in recent months. What you've written (above) explains some of it. Yet when you have commented on the many posts I've read, and a few that I have written, I have always been impressed with how upbeat and positive your words have been. Even in light of your own pain, you find ways to make the sun shine on others. You truly are a gift.
Namaste, friend.
You have people here who have your back.
Theo - So glad you're here, Lady. You've got heart and attitude, and I love that about 'cha!
randypd - Maybe the sharing helps us heal. I'm learning that it's part of the gig here on earth. Be good to yourself.
Harry - I hate to see you fade! No one does allegory like you do! Besides, I'd miss your wicked sense of humor.
zumalicious - Dude, you too. I love the way you put it out there. You so rock, Zuma. And thanks. Knowing that makes the chaos easier.
"I came to OS a little over 6 months ago, thinking I’d have a nice little place to try to rediscover my voice as a writer. I didn’t realize it was helping me rediscover my voice as a person – but it has, and it is."
I joined a year ago this month, and it's been the same for me. It's great to have you with us Owl, so thank YOU for being here:)
Owl, that is a LOT of stuff that happened, jeez.! don't minimize it, it's a lot to work thru. I am floored just thinking about it. But one step at a time will get you thru, that and your resilience and strength.
I always look forward to your posts and your comments on my posts always make me smile. Thank you for being you and sharing who you are so generously with us.
"And then another voice, hopefully the wiser one, said, “yeah, but do you mean it when you leave comments?”
Well, yeah.
“Then it’s possible that these people mean it, too.”
I've always known you mean it. And yes I mean it too. You're writing is no less than great, although you don't post very often (after reading this I kind of see why... hopefully you'll land in a beautiful place for yourself soon). Os changes lives. It has mine, and yours... Namaste to you too.
(thumbified with love)
p.s. thanks lady. You're reaping the good will you have sown here.
Sally - Aww, shucks. You too, Sally.
AtHomePilgrim - LOL, that makes me think of the MASH episode, where Hawkeye makes a bet, and has to sing that song while stripping.
shaggylocks - Honestly, I don't feel this way all the time. It's easy to look at circumstances and just blow. But when I step back and take a wider view, there's a lot to be thankful for.
nana - You were one of the first people to read my stuff here, and your encouragement made me feel like I wanted to keep writing and keep reading. It's a pleasure to be in such fine company.
Ariana - I don't know if I'm evolved or not, I'm just learning. And there has come a point where I just threw my hands in the air and went with the flow. Still working on it all, though.
WalkAway - You are such a sweetheart, seriously. Thanks, Lady. (((WalkAway))) Wishing you happy.
Elena - (((Elena))) Thanks, my sister. It's a wild and crazy trip, no?
Trig - Thanks, man. It's possible that I will find some balance after all of this. Seems plausible that a storm can't last forever. Kinda feel like I've had a few breakthroughs among the breakdowns - it often works that way. Love ya' man.
Jodi - Thank, Lady. You're da' bomb.
jesslm - Honestly, I just do what I do. I try to do it well. I'm glad you came by tonight - it's always good to see you.
voicegal - LOL. It'll get there. I just recently found a nest, so that's a good start! And thanks yourself, Lady.
Wordsmith - I've given your comment some thought. Here's my take on it. A lot of times, I don't know what I know until a question is asked, or if there's an observation I want to make. My karma is such that if I make a claim which is too bold, a banana peel will appear directly under my foot, such that I will fall on my ass. So . . . I'm pretty cautious about ANY claim.
;)
Roger
I wish I was handling my problems with as much grace as you handle yours.
Thank you so much for being a huge part of this OS community. You have been a great friend to me, and I adore you and appreciate your insights on my post. OS has done so much for me when it comes to rediscovering my voice as a writer, and the voice of myself. I have learned so much in the last 9 months of being on here. The OS community it so great and has so many wonderful caring people and you are one of the many.
Sounds like you have had a rough go at things this summer, but it sounds like you have been strong and held strong through it all..
THANK YOU!!
Chicago Guy - That sounds like me, alright. And it's true. That part of the job on this planet doesn't change. And the crap is the crap. Seems to go with the territory. I don't know if I'm remarkable or not - mostly, I don't need to be. And maybe there's something to that past life thing . . . Sometime, I intend to make it to Chicago. When I do, I'll let you know!
O'Really - Thanks, Lady. I love your smartass take on things - we need ass-kickers in the world, too! On my bad days, it has felt like hell and woe is me. When I take a deep breath, and step back for awhile, I can see the blessings growing up through the cracks. I try to remind myself that light ALWAYS beats dark - better to light a candle, and such. You're a peach, sister. I'm not sure if the world needs more owls, but it would keep the mouse population down!
Cap'n - Yep. We've been in the same boat. Reading about others here kind of helped me keep perspective, and allowed me to get out of my head. I had been kind of stuck there for awhile, and the earthquakes seem to have taken a few bricks out of my walls. Foundations too. Hang in there, man - they say it'll get better. And I'm all too aware that it could be worse.
mamoore - I feel the same way, all the way around. It's a privelege walking the same halls, and I love having a locker next to yours!
fireeyes - Thanks, sister. So glad you're here, too. It's been a crazy summer, but so far, so good. OS has been a huge part of why my brain is still in my head, I think.
iamsurly - Thank you, too. Glad you're around, surly.
Peeps - I love you all, but I've got to go for tonight. I need to put together a table in my new apartment before I go to bed. (Yes - that's a huge YAY you heard.) And I'm planning on having a beer or two to toast you all.
Kisses,
Marcela
Rated.
And you know, you're only getting back the good things you put out there;)
You're a wonderful, integral part of this community. What's that? It's not a community? Guess they haven't met Owl....
YOU WILL SURVIVE!!! YOU WILL SURVIVE!! SOMETHING ABOUT FLAP YOUR WINGS AND FLY.....
;)
It'll happen for you, too. You've just been doing some tough lessons recently. There's light at the end of the tunnel, just hang in there.
"The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down."
It wasn't until I understood those two concepts that my life suddenly turned around and all the good, even great, even magical things started happening so fast!
1. Letting go of the need to control the process (faith and trust.)
2. Taking that leap of faith and feeling the path form under my foot even as I land.
Those are two of the most important keys to starting the journey back to abundance and good fortune in life.
Namaste, yes. Always.
I'm sorry your summer has sucked, but I'm even sorrier that I didn't get to know you, via your posts and comments, sooner.
You were one of the first people whose posts I started reading consistently. I did that cuz I thought that this was a chick that "got it" and with whom I felt would "get me" at some level. Was I ever right. You never disappoint me and you are always there with a heartfelt "verbal hug" when I need one.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say, is "No! Thank you!" and "thanks" for being one of the major reasons I'm here.
Oh, and {{{{{HUGS}}}} X a bunch.... just cause. ;)
But I'm sorry about the ****ed up summer. It does sound like a snowball of miserable circumstances.
Rated
Anyway, I followed you and your family and your writing from the beginning of my finding this place. You write with honesty and no pretension; which I love. You remind me very much of a friend who also writes, I shall call 'T' - and I follow his blog for much the same reason. All the craziness of his family, everything - it's all out there, in public, for his readers.
He (and you) aren't claiming to have any answers; you just share your experiences. You offer something more pure than a lot of writers ever will, and very few people, I think, will ever thank you for it.
So... thanks. I'd give you a virtual hug if I could.
As for comforting words, I can only offer you the ones that helped me when I was suicidal and nothing else got through to me...
"This too shall pass."
Thanks for what you give. If you only knew...
(And I suck at messages like this, so I'll shhhhhhhh now)
xo
We are each blessed by this virtual OS family of friends. You are an awesome voice here and a woman with a huge heart.
Sending you the light and love you deserve.
Carry on.
I've only been here six months too...and what a ride! Sending you my thanks for finding it within you to somehow lift me in my time of need. You are loved dear Owl....
I can relate to what you say about your life in fiction not being believable; I've had a very similar time of it. People in the ether helped me tremendously, as I can see they are doing here for you.
May silver linings appear very soon.
Me too. And I dig you. :-)
xoxoxo,
I don't know what OS was like before you, but I can't imagine being here without you. When I post something, I think "Will Owl like this?"
I wish you a much better fall/winter. I'm sending out waves of hope and blessings to you.
I hope your shitty summer becomes a happy autumn & possibly a deliriously wonderful winter, shifting into a sunny shiny Spring. And thank you for saying so beautifully what so many of us on OS know is true -- that this is a good place to be & that the people on here are amazing & generous & kind. I can go here when life is screwed & get virtual hugs & wisdom & support & feedback & even reality checks. (I like the song, too!)
femme forte - Thanks, Lady. I really like the stuff I read - never enough hours in the day. If I'm a gem, I'll take "Petoskey Stone."
Marcela - So are you! I learn so much from you AND I get to practice my rusty spanish! (Espanol oxidado?) Besos y abrazos, hermana.
Thoth - LOL - of all the classifications I fall under, that one is pretty damn flattering. Back atcha', Thoth.
Will Someone Feed The Cat - They can say it's not a community - but it is when we make it one. What are they gonna do, stop us from liking each other?
Trudge - Thank you, too. You're another of the mensches here, but I won't tell anyone.
scupper - Likewise, on both counts. Thank you, and blessings. Namaste. Amazing piece of work you posted. Beautiful.
Unbreakable - :~) Glad to be here, in such fine company.
Tink - (((Tink))) - I'm singin' man, I'm singin'!
Michael - I know, because I feel it in your writing, too. This place is pretty amazing. And sometimes taking a moment to recognize that feels pretty good.
Safe_Bet - Nice to know you, and glad you're here! And if I had anything to do with that, then, cool. I got drawn in the same way . . . reading shit that made me feel like this place was where I wanted to spend some time. (((Safe_Bet))). Namaste.
Lainey - Yep. Raven and I are calling it quits. But we've agreed that the Giant will not be out of my life - he's been my boy for 14 years, and I'm not bailing out. It was a mutual decision, and although it was a surprise, we are pretty sure that this will allow us to finish some growth that we started together, and take the paths we need to take. As always, it's both more complicated and more simple than that . . .
JustJuli - Your words made me smile. Glad you're here.
Shiral - Yeah, it's been a wild ride. Balance is coming, and that'll be a whole other thing, I'm sure. Little by little, step by step, we keep going. Thanks for coming by - it's always nice to see that sweet avatar.
Incandescent - Have I told you lately that I love your screen name? I figured out recently why I'm letting it out there - we never know who might find something among our stuff. The good with the bad - I often stumble across treasure in what someone else considers junk. The reverse could happen . . . And thanks, man, for being you, and standing for the things you stand for. It's a richer world for it.
wakingupslowly - Yep, every season can't be a harvest, and some harvests are more sustaining than others. Glad you're here. I've observed that you have a gift for comforting others . . . not everyone can do what you do.
ladyfarmerjed - Thanks, man. You're one of the kindred spirits here, I think. Blessings to you and yours as well.
Lea - Namaste, Lady. You see the world with open eyes and an open heart - that is a rare gift in this world.
CK Dexter - See, that's exactly what I'm learning . . . which voices to listen to. Only took 41 years, but better late than never. Shalom, CK.
Patie - I have to believe you're right about the growth. Just like when we were kids, and didn't realize we were getting taller until we actually measured . . . Thanks for coming by, Patie.
Buffy - Likewise. The way you have allowed us into your world has inspired me greatly, especially this summer. Thank you for letting us be there for you, too. Your words mean a lot, knowing a bit about where you've been, and where you are.
SeattleK8 - LOL. I know. I have a theory of relative pain: the worst thing someone has experienced is the worst thing they've experienced, and they are allowed, to a degree, to act as such, and to validate it. It's often easier to apply to others, though. Thanks for the reminder - I appreciate that.
Linda - I feel the same way, reading about your troubles - but I'm glad you're here, with a place to express them! May silver linings appear for both of us.
Rolling - proud to know you too! I honestly can't remember the letters that applied to me. I remember taking the test, and being surprised at the results, but the results themselves . . . blank.
marcelleqb - It's always nice to know we're in the same boat when it comes to a positive thing. And life always takes a turn . . . eventually for the better.
spotted_mind - Dude, I so dig your spin on things. Besides, you're my best client for Rental Rubber Rooms (now you know why I was needing one, too).
GirlyBoyMama - It's been a wringer of a year . . . and I know I'm not alone with that. Thanks for coming by - we can look out for each other, I think.
(((Gwen))) - Dude, it's hard to imagine that you COULD write something that I wouldn't like, well, unless you went all conservative right-wing bible-beating republican on me (one or two of those, I can accept - all of the above . . . tricky). I think the wind is finally starting to shift . . . one day at a time, sweet Jesus!
suzie - Really? That's pretty wild. I have a theory that we're all in each other's psyches a lot more than we realize, anyway. If so, sorry to have disturbed your sleep! I like your forecast. I'll take it.
Z BITCH - Do not think that by sneaking in quietly towards the end, that I wouldn't notice! Besides, with your snappy attitude, you probably own any room you enter. Thank you, too. Glad you're here, Activia and all.
Whew - caught up over here! Love you guys. Thanks, all.
But, I hope this makes you laugh: about that song. Everytime I heard it, I'd sing along "Thank you India, Thank you Providence..." and think "Why is she thanking Providence, R.I. it's a great town, but not exactly comparable to INDIA." Then I talked to my brother and he had the exact same train of thought so we realized it's a genetic thing.
I have been the antithesis of the "good community blogger" and yet you are always there with a kind word, never judging my essentially non-existence on OS lately.
Cheers my friend, may your pastures be greener.
Peacox - Likewise, and looking forward to reading more of your work! OS is one of a kind, I think.
Stacey - Back atcha' man.
Mary Ann - Aww, thanks. Glad to one of yours, too. My grandma was an English teacher, and we always spoke of having a "mutual admiration society." OS has been like that for me.
Hope
Mission - Blessings, sister. Much love to you as well. Long live OS!
What can I say, Owl? Birds of a feather..... :-D
I'm glad you're part of our family. Now quit hogging the sofa.
((((((OWL))))))))
I'm all teary now from your post and that song. I hear you. And I'm there with you. Word for word. I mean, except for your life circumstances...but the sentiment. Yes. Yes.
But where would this place be for me without you?
Thank you for being a big part of the pull for me at OS. I love your words, even more, I love the heart that comes through your words.
I know what you mean about appreciating OSer support when the shit's hitting the fan. One of my favorite memories these days is the annual 10-day festival to the Goddess that takes place in Calcutta. Before the festival, mud is pulled from the Ganges and formed into incredibly beautiful statues of the Goddess, in her various forms. These statues are placed in temporary temples for the duration of the festival. They are of such amazing quality of workmanship that in our country, they'd be put in a museum for posterity. But in India, at the end of the 10 days, they are thrown back into the river to dissolve. And the next year, the mud is drawn out again to make more beautiful statues.
Our lives are the statues we make over and over again. We are the master artists/sculptors. Even when what is around us disappears, we have within us the capacity to create beauty again and again.
Happy rebirth to you always,
Zing
And doesn't it just make you feel worse sometimes, to know that things could be so much worse - and be suffering anyway? I'm glad you shared some of the burden here - and so powerfully.
Peace.
- Susan
; )
I want you to have a good life. I hope that right now, it's getting better for you. it should. You deserve it.
I, for one, do "mean it." Take good care of yourself, and don't be afraid to unload on us when you need to. We're real people, just in a different format.
Thank you for reading, commenting and caring.
Thank you for being dedicated to this place; we're all better for having you around.
Thank you so much, my friend. I hope for peace for your still-battered heart and soul.
High Lonesome - Thank you for the reminder not to be afraid to unload . . . for many, including me, it's one of the hardest things to do. That, and allowing myself to just feel, on behalf of my own life. Formatting issues aside, one of my favorite things about OS is the "real people" aspect of it. I rather suspect that you are at least as good in "real life" as you are on OS - thanks for being one of the good ones.
AshKW - Thank you, too, for being who you are, and for being on OS. I just know what a pleasure it is to be part of this community. The peace is coming . . . it always shows up eventually.
You are in my thoughts, my prayers, my heart. Be well. Moo.
You really are a lovely addition to this community, and I'm thankful for any strength you derive from it.
Sometimes you just need someone to hold your hand.
WSFTC - :~). I admire your work and presence on OS such that it is a compliment to know you've been here. I've been learning, in part through this community, that it's ok to have one's hand held sometimes. It's an unfamiliar, but much appreciated, blessing. You're kind of smart, you know that?
Brie - You are welcome here, always, and thanks for being your cool self - cheese and all (yeah, I read it over at mypsyche's place, and am a fan of cheese :~)
Be well.
Chris Brown - Welcome, and I look forward to reading a post of yours!
Hells Bells - Great word choice, "enduring!" And HB, namaste. You never cease to inspire.
This is life.
xox BL4
TBL4 - Never worry about being late at my house . . . this is life. You are another one of those inspiring folks that make OS the cool place to be.
TotallyAnonymous - Amen, although I've learned not to say it can't get any worse . . . seems to just tempt the universe. I'll drink to brighter days, though, on behalf of us all. Thanks for coming by!
Monte
Deborah - :~) Glad you're here.
Robin - So glad you're around . . . nice to see you back, and in adventure mode! You know I love you.
I'm very sorry to hear about the dissolution of your marriage. I've always been in awe of you guys, so strong in such dire circumstances.
Keep a smile on.
I do think that for a person with a wise perspective like your own, these things really do add strength. I am glad you are here.