Dear Mom,
I don't know how to thank you for the belated Christmas box that arrived yesterday. Really. I don't know how to thank you.
I don't usually write Thank You Notes, even though I know they are much appreciated; that's no failing on your part, I just haven't disciplined myself to do it, and you raised me better than that, so no worries on that score.
I do strive to be grateful for all the little gifts, tangible or intangible - and I am sincere in that pursuit, if not always entirely successful.
And as you know, I have very little sense of time, so the belatedness aspect is no big deal - if anything, it brought a little cheer into an otherwise fairly bleak season. So thank you for that.
Also, thank you for making sure that Raven and the Giant also recieved gifts. You know that means a lot to me. I'm more or less okay with the fact that the card was addressed only to me . . . at least you didn't send us each separate Christmas cards, as in years past. After all, I'm pretty sure you didn't send a separate card to one of my siblings AND to his/her spouse.
The big bag of dried sweet cherries is a huge hit - sweet as candy! We're already planning salads and muffins around them, if only we can keep ourselves from eating them by the handful. And the gift cards for gas are extremely thoughtful . . . we will put them to good use as Raven drives the Giant to and from school - about an hour each way.
The calendar featuring vistas from around the world was an excellent choice. We've already put it up in a prominent spot in the kitchen, and it excites our wanderlust wonderfully. Plus, we can sort of watch time pass with it . . . each month a new adventure.
Now we come to the "sticky wicket." I hesitate to even describe the books by title, for fear that using the titles in print, on the web, might draw people here through an innocent Google search. I'm pretty sure you're aware of what I'm referring to, but here's the gift addressed to Raven:
Um . . . yeah.
A part of me says that this is you, offering something that comforts you, hoping it will comfort her. But to be honest, I'm a little leery. I'm not anti-God, nor anti-presence of God, nor anti-quiet moments - and Raven is quite pro-God as well.
And here's what you sent me:
For the record, I'm aware that this has pushed a lot of my buttons, and it's possible that you are only somewhat aware of how many buttons it pushed. No doubt this is due, in part, to how carefully I conceal those buttons from you. Frankly, I choose not to reveal any vulnerability, knowing that it could be used as ammunition.
(I will, for the moment, lay aside the fact that the book reads, and is formatted, in the style of a really long, Christian, advertisement for douches. Or maxi pads / tampons. From the 80's.)
But really? How long have you known me?
I mean, I know that you feel somehow responsible for stunting my emotional growth such that "being a woman" has never really resonated with me, and according to your particular world-view, that's why I'm gay.
It's hard for me to imagine you thinking, even for a minute, "I bet my daughter, Owl, would really get a lot out of this book."
It is more plausible that you were thinking, "Jesus, please speak to her through this book. Please reach her heart. Let her know how much you care. It is only through your love that she will know the truth, and the truth will set her free."
And the "truth," of course, is where we must agree to disagree. The truth that you believe, quite possibly with all your heart, is that I will go to hell if I do not turn away from my "lifestyle choice." And so, in a sense, you must "pray against" my being a lesbian, if only in the hope that it will save my immortal soul.
Since I am a parent now, I can understand the conflict: "I want my child to be happy and safe" vs. "I want my child to be safe for all eternity."
Over the 11 years since I came out to you, I can tell that you're trying to make "the way Home" easier:
- When you and Dad have prayed with Raven, the Giant, and me, you now refer to us as a family. That's a helluva concession. Dad said it's because you're leaving that definition up to God, although I bet that your concession doesn't extend to legislation which would support God's, er, my definition.
- Whenever I talk to you, you remember to ask about Raven and the Giant. You don't change the subject quickly like you used to. On the other hand, I've quit pressing for the Giant to be considered a grandchild like the children of my siblings.
- You've stopped, for the most part, trying to re-convert me. Apparently, you're now relying on the power of prayer, and leaving the door open. I can appreciate how much patience that must require.
But I digress.
Mom, here's the unavoidable bottom line:
I love you. It sucks that we have so much difficulty communicating. I love that you're thinking of my family; I hate that it causes you so much conflict; I hate that it causes me any conflict; I hate that you might see my conflict as cause for "hope."
And so, I thank you for this:
Your gift made me think, and therefore, it made me write, so that I could see some things more clearly:
- I have been with Raven and the Giant for more than 14 years. I have been "out" for 11. I hope there is enough time, and compassion, to someday speak honestly of all of this.
- Please understand that I pray a very similar prayer for you: "Jesus, please speak to my Mom. You're the only one that might get through. Please reach her heart. Let her know how much you care. It is only through your love that she will know the truth, and the truth will set her free."
- Please know that I forgive you everything, partly as a means to unburden myself, but also to set you free.
- And whether you take credit or not, thank you for allowing me to grow, fairly unconstrained, until the Church became an authority. Thank you for teaching me a sense of fairness, intelligence, and "stand up for what is right."
Be good to yourself. I'm learning to do the same. Raven and the Giant have a lot to do with that. Perhaps someday, you'll know that you owe them thanks as well.
With All My Heart,
Love,
Owl
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Comments
I know.
Rated
sparking - Gracious? Dude, you are seriously an inspiration! I'm learning . . . I'm learning . . .
mypsyche - You are welcome to anything that is helpful.
Nick - Thank you, sir. Always feel welcome here.
GirlyBoyMama - Sometimes that's all I've got - the heart. I have hope that she will understand how much, and how often, I think of her.
Ablonde - To her credit, I know my Mom is often miserable. But I don't think she has ever been deliberately mean. The hurt is what it is, but I'm learning to refuse the gifts that I don't want to accept, and accept the gifts that may not be intended.
Kellylark - I'd like to think it's unlikely that she'll read this unless my brother squeals on me, but to be honest, I don't know. It's a small world. I try to only write that which I'm willing to claim, if pressed. If she read it, we'd address it.
Eden - Thank you. I'm still working through a whole lot of bullshit; but then, who isn't?
Deven - So far, so good. Writing this has helped me put some things into perspective, as writing often does. The guilt carried by my Mom seems to be genetic, but that's probably another story for another day.
lorianne - Perhaps someday. I follow my heart/intuition with my biological family; I love them, but am wary of repercussions. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that she's been reading, nor would it surprise me to know she hasn't. I'd like to think that the day will come that we really can talk about it.
surly - For a small fee, I'm sure something can be arranged!
Annabellaaah - Thank you for reading, and for commenting.
Brie - You may be right, that she needs to read this. It's hard to say . . . "need" means different things to different people.
dragonlady - The worst that could happen is increased, prolonged alienation . . . a fate that Mom and I (and by extension, Raven and the Giant) have already suffered. Then again, sometimes it doesn't have to be prolonged. I will follow my heart/gut. Namaste, truly.
It's rough...I know...I had to do a lot of work regarding my parents after I came out to them...I didn't experience what you have experienced...my relationship with my folks got better over time and am grateful for that, especially since my dad has passed. I don't know that I would have had the patience you have exhibited here because my parents never laid the "it's a sin" thing on me in this way. I'm really glad you wrote this. Much love to you, Raven, and Giant. Rated.
Raven and Giant are fortunate to posess your love, as well...
-rated-
Mothership - I am thankful to know that they know that . . . now more than ever. On the whole, life is good. Bless you, MS!
My son showed up a couple of hours ago. He had, and I am not making this up, a giant bottle of expensive tequila, and (drum roll here) a CANE.
So I have a busted ankle and like tequila.......but.....but.....no, seriously, I love him and I guess he knows me really well. I would appreciate it if you'd send him a thank-you email because I'm well into the tequila now and the cane doesn't seem to work well on the keyboard. (It's fun poking the animals with however...)
Great post sweetheart, and you should see the books my mother leaves for me. She's a Jehovah's Witness.......
Also, this was wonderfully written, as always.
**big hugs**
I even love your mom!!!
Rated.
Much love, Owl.
This is so lovely. I have received plenty of these kinds of gifts, and have had many of the same feelings about them. You expressed yourself with such firmness and such grace...well, it's an inspiration.
Thanks for this. My day is better, and it's just begun.
Very well written. Rated.
The imp in me wants to suggest you send her a gift, too, though I'm having trouble deciding between Twain's Letters from Earth and the Tao te Ching.
You're one wise bird.
Love....that intangible love....your love....so special.
Rated
It must be Owl love to hoot season? You tootings?
I think de Owl and the Ravens hoot? Toot a flute?
`
Harlem - Lanston Hughes
1. What happens to dreams deferred?
2. Does it dry up like a raison in the sun?
3. Or fester like a sore- And then run?
4. Does it stink like rotten meat?
5. Or crust and sugar over - like syrupy sweet?
6. Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
7. Or does it explode?
*****
You take care. People here say that.
We all get heavy-hearted, a bumped,
and sore. You no bomb people in war.
Thanks Owl etc.,
A great way to put these feelings in letter form like this. Forgiveness is the only way to be free from this stuff but it can still hurt a fuck of a lot, can't it?
Best to you Raven & Giant ...
(& your Mom) xo
Um. No. I am polar opposite. I am loud, rebellious, and don't believe in too much cleanliness as cleaning is a futile gesture in a houseload of teenagers and animals. It's like she doesn't know me. Or does and is judging me. But I refuse to spend valuable time being aggravated.
I appreciate the gesture and her warm wish that I earn a ticket on the infallable Bible glory train with her. I love her very much for her innocence and concern for my soul. But it just baffles me.
You are remarkably patient and I admire your gentle yet firm thank you letter. You have given me the gift of patience with all this as well.
As you said, what every mom wants is for her child to be happy and have a good life, and it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing. She successfully passed you something you needed to become that capable and grateful grown up.
Rated
The Giant and Raven are lucky to have you.
Grace. You has it. (This would have gone into proper English, but for that aside about what those books resembled.)
You articulate yourself so well, with compassion and generosity. I can feel the kalidioscope of mixed feelings: the struggle, the love, and the need to protect oneself. I know these issues far too well.
I had to laugh at the books. Why? Because I keep taking ones just like those to the Salvation Army. I can't throw away books. I can't give those away to people I know. I keep sending them to thrift stores. I couldn't stand Christian self-help books when I was a diehard Christian. They're poorly written, like most self-help books. I did (used to!) like Max Lucado. He mostly wrote about God's love.
I want to send you great big hugs--god, I've got tears in my eyes now! (I'm at work, damn it!)--and I want you to know that my stories...Well, I'm writing for you and Raven and for all of us that grew up in Christian homes and are trying to figure out what that means to us now.
Love ya, Chica!
Many of us have the same conflicts.
Rated
I was lucky in that my folks didn't stuff religion down my throat. I don't know whether they're disappointed in how things turned out or not; they've never expressed any disappointment, as least not to me.
I hope that one day your mom can come to terms with her own feelings. You are the person you were meant to be, and you are her daughter. Those two truths are irrevocable and inseparable.
Plus, I think you turned out magnificent. :-D
Rated.
(If I were in your shoes, I would be getting The Same Package for Christmas.)
(Were our mothers separated at birth?)
Make sure your mom reads this! Don't wait for Jesus; he might be having drinks with gays in heaven, since they are the only fun minorities. -:)
This part was so funny: "formatted, in the style of a really long, Christian, advertisement for douches."
Your mother reminds me of nearly everyone on my mom's side of the family. I could recieve one of the books you displayed in your post from a friend and I might actually read it. But then my mom gave me a book on child rearing written by the almight James Dobson. I "lost" it a few days later and she promised to find me another. You articulated so much about how I feel in terms of the hypocricy of any type of fundamentalism. This part especially resonated:
"Jesus, please speak to her through this book. Please reach her heart. Let her know how much you care. It is only through your love that she will know the truth, and the truth will set her free."
My mom tries to convert my from her perception that I am a left-wing liberal radical. When in fact, I consider myself a "traditional" thinker that tries to rely on old-timer wisdom of my ancestors. Anyway, your post strikes a chord w/ many. Loved this.
It never escapes me how "The Book" that's supposedly built around unconditional love divides so many in love. Personally, I'd be pleased as hell to have a family member like you - no thank you notes would be necessary (but I'd love a handfull of those cherries, man :-)
Coyote - Amen. It sets me free to be more objective, and to live my life less pinned down. Thank you, my friend.
Kasey - Welcome! Having written this, I feel clearer about where I'm really "at" with the situation . . . usually, that helps me address it if and when the time comes.
Dr.Spud - You know how it goes. We work through it ourselves, and come through it with a new perspective. I'm glad to know you, too.
tre - So true . . . and so it goes, one day at a time, doing what comes to hand.
Bonnie - Not really, but I'm always learning, and I figure that offsets some of my customary blind spots. :~)
Harry - The extreme version of this is what I call the pillow and the sword . . . come lay your head down on this nice pillow, then I'll lay the sword on your throat, and you'll come to Jesus.
Tink - I've been meaning to talk to those owls across the street . . . they're kind of cranky because everyone is always on their lawn.
Natalie - It's the way of things, no? Especially when they have good intentions.
JK - You were quite the early-bird! Thanks, my friend, for reading.
Joan - My heart is usually in the right place. Sometimes the conflict between my head and my heart slows me down. As the spanish say, asi es la vida.
Frank - The firmness and grace is what I'm trying to cultivate - and the writing helps me clarify where I want to stand. Besides, the alteratives leave me feeling like crap . . . Thank you for reading, and for commenting.
Thoth - Thank you sir.
AtHomePilgrim - My Mom is trying, at her own pace, hindered by her own fears. I can't cast stones, since I have my own fears that slow me down. And don't think that this imp hasn't thought about gifts I'd LIKE to send . . . except that I know it would likely be received very badly.
sophieh - Thank you. In so many ways, I am lucky to have her, too.
Sharon - I know you know that initial reaction . . . I chewed on it all day before I started writing this. The writing helped me clarify.
CK - I'm honored to have contributed to your toolkit! When Raven read the line about douche ads, she wrinkled her nose "couldn't you just say 'feminine products?" I re-read it, and laughed . . . "nope. I need to laugh right there. 'Douche' is the perfect word."
cartouche - That could be true. I'm learning that when I'm handling my inner self well, it's easier to deal with my Mom more directly. That's not to say that I will read this or send this to her, but that when we speak, I'm coming from my strongest self. From that position, I get to choose how I act and react. But I suspect you know that lesson well . . . you have quite a grace and dignity all your own.
Ann - Part of the reason I write stuff like this here is to clear my head. Another part is that I'm aware that my process might help someone else to find theirs . . . one man's trash is another man's treasure, even.
FusunA - Mostly I have found my peace. Sometimes, not so much. The books brought me ghosts, and I had to find somewhere to put the ghosts.
Rod - In one form or another, and quite possibly in small pieces, I probably will. Some parts of it, I have expressed to her - like the forgiveness - but she can only digest what she will allow herself to hear and remember. On the whole, she's an amazing lady. Some of my best traits come from her.
mamoore - It's every day, isn't it? Sometimes the littlest things can set off a chain reaction . . . but that's the journey. One day, one step . . .
Art - I try to choose the raisin, because it's still sweet and useful. Thanks, Art - you take care, too . . . we'll leave the bombs behind.
rita - Thoughtful or thoughtless, they leave a mark! But I'm probably leaving marks on the Giant, too . . . ::sigh:: I'm pretty sure it can't be helped - it's part of the human condition.
lumina - I'm teaching myself to walk toward the pain, instead of away. I learn so much more that way . . . it hurts more at first, then gets a little better.
Kathy - I hear you. I was thinking about you, and some others here, when I was writing. If anything, it helped me get past the sting, and more to the intentions behind the gift. Blessings, friend. Sending love and light your way.
More later . . .
And thank you all.
Ultimately, we each have to grow past those earlier prejudices and take responsibility that our world views don't belong to our parents or our societies, but to ourselves.
I don't want to be judgmental against your mom, or to anyone who sees the world through different shades than my own. I just, well, to be downright honest, I find it unnerving when anyone ever suggests to another adult how they ought to be, parental bloodlines or not.
My hope for your mom, Owl, and for all of us, is that we can each maintain an open heart that fosters mutual love and respect, and that we each arrive at a courtesy to honor the values of others - without reservation, without below-surface agenda.
What I want for your mom is that she comes to embrace you entirely in the context of your own self - not only because this will benefit you and your family, but perhaps more importantly because it will release her into a world of true compassion, not a hollow world of isms, but a deep, abiding compassion and enormous joy.
I was recovering from oral surgery once and my Mom chose that exact moment to start screaming about my meditation
grif - Thank you for reading, and for commenting. If I've learned nothing else along the way, it's that perception is a large part of the battle . . . I can choose to accept the "gift" that's offered, or I can take another look, and see it differently. In any given situation, there may or may not be a "bad guy." Sometimes it just is what it is . . . people trying to figure it all out.
Scarlett - I keep telling myself that I'm going to quit doing the "letter" form . . . but it works, especially when I'm trying to re/gain perspective. There are at least another couple of layers to this story, but this is the one I could untangle at this time. It's taken me a long time to validate that it hurts sometimes. But it does. And I'm determined. And thanks . . .
Linnn - LOL. I hear you. I am often less patient than I appear . . . but I try to consider my choices. In this case, knowing my Mom, most roads lead to conflict, tears, recriminations, sermonizing, and/or complete guiltification for both parties. Patience, so far, seems like the best course. The other thing about some exceedingly doctrine-bound folks is that many times, their beliefs are based in FEAR. So I try to cut them a little slack . . . when I'm afraid, I'm capable of some strange behavior, as evidenced by a lot of my past in the Church.
greenheron - Someday, I hope she will. For now, I bide my time, and try to draw on my inner strength for patience. She taught me so much, and I take after her in many ways . . . which is both gratifying and challenging!
littlewillie - Amen.
Jeanette - Thanks for coming by, for reading, and for commenting.
OE - Bless you as well.
Chris Brown - Your first sentence almost had me spewing diet Coke (with tequila fumes) all over the screen . . . It's worth noting that I've had more than 14 years to work on how I respond to my Mom, not including the 20ish years of indoctrnation which preceded "outness."
Cassiopia - Amen. I used the term "family of choice" at work the other day (all straight, conservative coworkers) . . . they thought that was a very cool term. Who knew?
Bellwether - Don't think that I haven't thought of that . . . and Raven's idea from a few years ago was to send each of my parents a Christmas card. Also, it should be noted that even this was edited . . . quite a bit. As I wrote, then re-read, I found things I no longer needed to say to her . . . I just needed to say them somewhere. And pieces of this will get to her in one or more conversations . . . I plant ideas like Johnny Appleseed.
scanner - Well, technically, without them we wouldn't be here at all ;~)
next please - I surprised myself with that one, actually. I know I've thought it, maybe even written it, before, but sometimes I forget . . .
1_I_M - I'm honored. Being a parent makes me all the more aware of the difficulties my parents face, and have faced. So . . . I write until something makes sense . . . it's better than a lot of things I could do, I suppose.
Gwen - Exactly - I totally knew you'd get it. I'm the same way about books, can't just toss them, and really, they might be helpful for someone - they could at least serve as good kindling in a woodstove! Your understanding is part of why I love your work . . . the story needs to be told, for all of us (another part of why I love your work is that it is exceedingly well written, and full of heart). And I'm honored to have found you, sister, here on OS. Hugs back at you and David.
nana - Thank you.
Steve - So true.
Bill - It took me a long time to realize the truth of that . . . our control of our own reactions; and I've had a few years to to practice the stride thing. Thanks so much for your comment.
Elena - This aspect of the journey is something we share . . . we challenge ourselves to bridge the perceived differences, and potential conflicts. When we succeed, I believe it benefits us all. Namaste, sister.
Lea - Thanks. That's a lot to live up to, but we just do what we do, no?
LuluandPhoebe - In spite of everything, I think my Mom knows how much I love her. And I know she loves me.
Michael - Good to see you! Excellent metaphor . . . totally nails it. When trying to bridge such a chasm, it's vital not to look down . . .
froggy - The gift idea has crossed my mind. And I think a lot of mothers of a certain character/experience may have been cast from the same mold!
Z - LOL - I love that image!
Chuck - Likewise, sir. The feeling is mutual.
Y Heron - I restrained myself from continuing the thought with "WWJD" (What Would Jesus Douche) . . . and oh, James Dobson. There was a time, in my mis-spent youth, that I really looked up to that guy. He's only gotten more and more inflammatory, and I have been gravitating toward the other end of the spectrum. Sounds like the wisdom from which you draw has older roots and greater wisdom than the doctrine possessed by your mom . . . I guess that might make you seem pretty radical!
Hey Boomer! - It's all about who's teaching "The Book." Some talk about "a la carte" Christianity, but in reality, most of it is pretty "a la carte." It's not easy living on either side of the divides, as far as I can tell. (and I'd happily share the cherries . . . they're damn fine)
femme - Thanks so much. These issues are a work in progress in my life, and it's not always easy. The writing helps a lot though.
donna - Years of practice :~). Thanks!
scupper - That sounds like an excellent idea. In a sense, I think we are, if only virtually.
Kit - I think she's working on it. The church got ahold of her at a particularly vulnerable time . . . she credits it with sort of "saving her life," which is possible, from a certain perspective. And while I hope she frees up more, I know I've gotta love her where she is . . . it's her journey. Mine is mine. Thanks for the in-depth comment. Much appreciated support!
Kathy - Wow. Nothin' quite like being kicked when you're down! Sometimes I think they can't quite help it . . . mothers, that is.
I also think of my high school friend (who was Hindu) being told by a born-again teacher that he was "praying for her." She told him, "I'm praying for you too, buddy." She took no shit, that one.
This is probably harder to do with your own mother, though. Sorry you have to deal with this, Owl. I hope YOUR prayers are answered.
JustJuli - Oh yeah - I know exactly the tracts you describe! That is an excellent reply "I'm praying for you, too." And while the great religious divide sucks, so many people have it so much worse . . . I can't really complain. It is what it is.
This is almost beyond comment - you said it all.
I really appreciated your mention that WE can in fact pray for THEM when they think they're doing us such a favor. (Truth be told, someone telling me that they're praying for me is a real red flag in my life anymore - right or wrong, that's how I feel. There's always a hint of sanctimony or condescension I note. There are very few people I want to pray for me - its too intimate of an act.)
Anyway, wonderful. Smartly told, well laid-out, good build-up and ultimately, a release. A release. A release, meaning, we stop trying so hard...and perhaps they will start trying more. Let those doves fly.
I appreciate your compassion in this piece too. You found some where I find little. I admire you for that.
I love that our tags (not mine - yours and other OSers) are starting to live a life of their own!
Beth Mann - LOL. With prayer, turnabout is fair play. And like you, I consider prayer an intimate thing . . . I totally understand the red flag . . . I have it too; I'm learning to tame my response, though. "A soft answers turns away wrath." The release, as I know you know, is everything, isn't it? Thanks for your insightful read and comment!
OK, I will try: The generosity you show, the firmness with which you assert your rights and truths, the loving touch towards your mother, the sweet flow of expression, as you struggle with this. The funny bit about the feminine product marketing copy. The expectation of incremental improvement.
love you, Owl. Your heart is Good and True. You live in the real world; for all its stray wickedness and random barbwire and subtle warmths, we somehow find each other, choose each other, imperfectly.
WP (Writer's Pick)
Greg - Thank you man. I hope you know how much your work inspires me to continue to figure it out, to find a little more truth, and to write about what I find. Thank you for being one of those folks, and one of those writers, that makes this world a better, truer place.
Two things resonated with me, Owl.
1. "I choose not to reveal any vulnerability, knowing that it could be used as ammunition." Wow. That is how I feel about my mother and most of my sisters. I get it, and it makes me sad that they will never really "know me" because of it.
2. "Perhaps someday, you'll know that you owe them thanks as well." Because of Smithery's love, I am a whole person, one who is completely known to and loved by him, and a better person because of that. And someday, there are those who should thank him, for I am now able to love myself and therefore, others.
"Religion" is such a long, complex subject...it just can't define any one person, as much as it tries to. And I'm glad you don't let it.
Hugs to you, dear.
It takes an emotionally in-tune person to see what you've written about here. I wish your Mom could be the kind of person you need/want her to be, but I know you still love her anyway. :-)
xoxoxo,