I spent 17 years begging God to transform me into a heterosexual--to make me into a man of God. For 10 of those "ex-gay" years, I lived in New York City. Not Little Rock, AR, Huntsville, AL or Odessa, TX, but in big bad Sodom itself. In fact, during that time I met scores of men (and some women) in NYC who attempted to live as straight-acting former homosexuals.  And typically they did not fare so well. Neither did I, but oh what a funky ride!

I lived in NYC from 1985 to 1995 where I received all sorts of reparative therapy designed straighten me out. As a born-again Evangelical Conservative Christian with an acute case of inflamed homosexual desires, I easily encountered  ministers and Christian counselors in the city who were more than happy to de-gay me  (think of deboning a live fish.) In the late 1980’s I attended LIFE Ministries, the Manhattan-based ex-gay support group founded and run by former actors. We met each Saturday night for pasta, praise and testimony to the power of God to deliever the gays.

Dismayed at seeing many of my fellow ex-gays marry then fail in their new lives, I sought further help at area churches and ministries where I fell prey to various servants of God providing counseling, “healing-prayer” and even a deliverance session with freelance exorcist.  (Long story. It eventually got broken up by the police.)

After awhile I got so good at playing a straight character in my own queer life that I actually convinced others and myself that I was no longer gay. The regular relapses into the arms,beds, and crotches of fellow ex-gays and all kinds of cute guys on the street didn't deter me from the fantasy that God delivered me from homosexuality. The bumps seemed like little pot holes on the highway to Heaven.

In fall 1990 I married my closest friend, a young woman from my church. On the same stage that premiered My Fair Lady our wedding took place at the Mark Hellenger Theater, home of Pastor David Wilkerson's Times Square Church, my church home for much of my time in NYC. My wife and I felt hopeful that God could do anything if we only believed and kept beliving and then believed some more.

Five years later my wife and I left NYC for the mission field in Zambia. Shortly after that, (1996) our marriage ended in heartache and divorce, no surprise to our family and friends looking on, but devasting to me who had believed in the miracle. It was then, broken, desperate but still hopeful to change from being controlled by desires for man flesh, that I entered the Love in Action program in Memphis, TN. For nearly two years, (at $950 per month) I worked on my issues and sought the Lord with all my heart. I  ultimately graduated from that program two years later.  I then came to my senses a few months later. I've been coming out ever since.

I spent the past few days NYC in order to hang out with my nephew, a college student at Pace University and to meet up with other ex-gay survivors. I visited old spots where I used to eat and shopeand walk around. I felt a little like the girl in Our Town visiting ghostly places and people long gone. Except I am no ghost; I feel more solid and real than ever before.

I cannot undo all the damage I did to myself and to others. The recovery process from all that madness has been intense. At times I feel sad and downright silly for the nearly two decades I spent living in a bizarre alternate universe that turned out to be a futile mistake.  I understand why I did it and how even in spite of my intelligence and creativity I handed my brain and life over to ministers who believed they knew best for me even though they didn't have understanding of basic psychology or sexuuality.  It was a tragic loss of time and energy.  I work hard to redeem that time and get good out of it, art, meaning.

I tell my story as a witness and warning to others.  I know that in this city today and in cities all over the world, young men and women still struggle to understand their queerness, particularly in light of their faith and family pressures. I pray they don't spend decades seeking the impossible. I pray they see themselves clearly, focus on REAL issues and reject the false promises and the allure of pleasing others in the name of serving God.