Can Gays Change? And other stupid questions

Peterson Toscano's Blog

ruminations of a queer performance artist

Peterson Toscano

Location: Hartford, Connecticut, USA
Birthday: February 17

Company: p2son productions

Bio: Musings of Peterson Toscano, a quirky queer Quaker where he writes about sexuality, gender, faith, veganism and so much more! Peterson is the creator of Doin’ Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House. An actor, playwright and activist his other works include Transfigurations, a play about transgender Bible characters

MY RECENT POSTS

Ex-Gay Survivor? New Survey to log in your experiences
October 29, 2011 09:42AM
Some Thoughts on Forgiveness
October 19, 2011 07:32PM
This is What an Apology Looks Like
October 13, 2011 06:12AM
Love in Action shuts down residential program
September 02, 2011 10:00AM
Hurricane as Metaphor. Ex-Gay Trauma
August 28, 2011 10:32AM

MY RECENT COMMENTS

“Eva, we should have a "sin-off" to see who is the most wicked.”
April 18, 2011 09:49PM
“madhuri, thank you for saying so :-)”
April 18, 2011 09:48PM
“doloresflores, I wish you could hear it in her voice. Priceless.”
April 07, 2011 02:32PM
“Kathysaras, ur welcome =)”
April 07, 2011 11:33AM
“Eva! You are welcome. He is indeed courageous. Both he and his wife, Deborah, are…”
April 07, 2011 11:17AM

Peterson Toscano's Links

New list: Follow me on Twitter; Transfigurations--transgender Bible play; Beyond Ex-Gay; My Homo, um Home Page

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JANUARY 30, 2010 2:42PM

Rate: 4 Flag

Lainey wrote a post here at OS On Self-Deception, or Being Ted Haggard. Haggard was the minister and Evangelical leader who back in 2006 crashed and burned when a rent boy came forward to say that the pastor was one of his regulars. The church went into crisis management, and Haggard went into gay rehab. The news people went bonkers and everywhere you turned you read about the Ex-Gay Movement and the whole de-gaying process.

Seems we're back with a Haggard news cycle. Lainey writes,

Just over three years later, Ted Haggard is in the news again, making the rounds with his wife Gayle, who wrote a book about forgiveness and “the marriage I’ve always longed for,” as she told Meredith Viera of NBC. Haggard’s trials, apparently, are no more organic than a dieter who says “I’m not going to eat that today,” and then eats that today. To Oprah Winfrey’s question, “Are you gay?” Haggard says he did wonder about that. He asked a therapist, “Am I gay? Am I straight? Am I bi? What am I?" I find his recounting poignant--both for his naivte (sic) in the asking and for the potential for devastation in the answers. His therapist’s response seems to sit well with him: “You are a heterosexual. With homosexual attachments.”

Journalists and news outlets love the ex-gay story!Heck in the US we are suckers for make-overs of all sorts from bedrooms to drab housewifes to gay men in heterosexual marriages.

Homosexuality! Is there a Cure?

These stories come in cycles especially after someone like Ted Haggard is outed and then placed into gay rehab. Many journalists are busy people working on multiple stories simultaneously so they don't always grasp the complexity of the ex-gay story or have the time to dive into the ex-gay/ex-ex-gay worlds. This becomes apparent in the questions they often ask.

Is Change Possible? Can someone change from gay to straight?

Most people on any side of the ex-gay issue who know about the lives of ex-gays and the various ex-gay treatments involved understand that these sort of closed-ended questions fall flat in light of the intricacies we're talking about here and in particular when we consider the people most directly affected. None of us really became heterosexual. This is evidenced in one of the most challenging dilemmas many of us faced in trying to name ourselves. Even those of us who married people of the opposite sex could not honestly call ourselves straight. As Marvin Bloom used to say say when he was still ex-gay,

I'm a former homosexual. I'm not exactly straight. I'm growing into heterosexuality, slowly.

Another popular question from journalists is,

What is the most outrageous treatment you experienced in an ex-gay program?

This "sexy" question exploits everyone involved. Yes, crazy, outrageous things happen in many ex-gay programs, but by focusing on these wacky practices, we overlook more important issues. One could too easily discount the whole thing and say, "Man, look at those crazy people!" without getting at the heart of the matter or to any useful analysis.(But then again, much of the news is about entertainment and not information.)

As a trained teacher, I know the power of good questions. They can open up a discussion and get people to think in fresh new ways. They can blow away assumptions and deepen understandings. Below I offer a list of new questions journalists can ask about the ex-gay movement. In the comment section, please feel free to add some of your own.

What does "change" actually look like?
If it is not really a change from gay to straight, then what were you seeking? What did you hope to achieve?
Why did you pursue it?
In addition to a faith struggle, what other factors influenced you?
What pressures in your life encouraged you to seek change?
How would your life be different today if you had been straight or if you had miraculously changed to heterosexual?
What public safety concerns might gay reparative therapy raise?
If the Bible so strongly influences many people's decision to alter their sexuality, what other issues in the Bible inspire the same level of commitment that Christians actually go into programs in order to adhere to Biblical standards?
What are the costs associated with going ex-gay?
What were the consequences for you and your loved ones?
What good did you get from your experiences?
What advice would you give to someone considering going into an ex-gay program?

I've needed to ask myself these questions over the past 11 years as I detoxed from ex-gay insanity. The most important question I asked myself is WHY? Why did I do it? Why did I submit myself to 17 years of treatment. In this video I attempt to answer those questions.

Author tags:

ted haggard, homosexual, homo no mo, ex-gay, gay

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Comments

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I can't think of any questions to add. You list some really good, interesting ones. The sort that might actually lead to learning.

Eva T. Made Vaudeville

January 30, 2010 05:55 PM

Nice. Really really nice to see and to hear. Honesty is courageous. r

Joan H.

January 31, 2010 07:05 PM

I love the last question, Peterson. You approach this subject with compassion and understanding. Most people do not. I am always blown away by your attitude of kindness and willingness to get the whole story. You're not just politically correct. You go beyond PC language in order to get at the heart of the matter.

Thank you!

Gwendolyn Glover

February 01, 2010 03:19 PM

I've read many of your writings here, and I very much appreciate the information, insights and thoughts that you've shared. Watching your video, I felt like I was sitting having coffee with you for the first time - and deciding you are the kind of person I would like to know better!

A True Libratarian

February 04, 2010 01:07 PM

I'm really not writing to be unsupportive or harsh and I salute the place you've reached in your life. I absolutely admire your candor in talking about it and sharing your experience. But when I read this and watch the video... and I have, two times each... I feel as if I'm receiving a transmission from Mars. I just don't get it. I'm 51 years old and realized I was gay when I was 14 and I had some misgivings- what would my parents do, how would my friends react, etc.- but these were rooted in factual understandings of how other people believe and how cruel people can be. I NEVER, not for one moment, thought there was anything wrong with me. Not one second of my life have I ever entertained the idea that being gay was inherently wrong, negative, something to be ashamed of and certainly not something that could be changed or needed to be changed. I realized keenly that there might be a steep price to pay, with parents and friends, but it was crystal clear that the underlying reason for that was because there was something wrong with THEM... not me. What little thought I gave to God was simply that He made me and therefore cannot condemn that for which He is responsible. I regard the Bible as a cultural artifact that simply reflects the biases, issues and agendas of the many, many people who have written, re-written, edited, augmented and monkeyed with it for centuries. I in no way believe the Bible has any real relationship to God, it is simply tied to Religion and Religion, again, is based on agenda, prejudice, power and control. Religion is about a few people telling a lot of people what to think, how to behave and what to fear. Utterly meaningless to me. I never felt bad about being gay, I could never feel that way and I have no problem saying a hearty "fuck you" to anyone that has an issue with me being gay. Does that sound flippant or shallow? I don't think it it is, at all. To me, the central question is this: do we take other people's words for it that we are bad, sinful, abominations, etc. etc., or do we listen to our own hearts and minds and sense of self and simply tell critics to go to Hell? That's not shallow, that's deep- deeply rooted in self-confidence.
Again, I applaud your survival and candor. I simply had to speak from another perspective.

writerguyFW

February 04, 2010 01:46 PM

Writerguy, perhaps you have been living on Mars. So glad you have had no problem whatsoever accepting the fact that you are gay. In the midst of a homophobic and heterosexist society that institutionally oppresses queers legally, religiously and even medically, that is some feat!