40 is a Harshad number, an integer that is divisible by the sum of its digits in a given number base. “Harshad” is a Sanskrit word that means "great joy."

40 is a natural number. It follows 39 and precedes 41. In English, forty is the only number whose constituent letters appear in alphabetical order.
Russian vodka is 40 percent alcohol, which goes well with the 40-hour work week we like to put in, that is when we are actually employed.

40 is a good number, don’t you think? It’s biblically and Talmudically popular—40 days of rain purified the world, 40 measures of water purifies a person. Moses waited 40 days for the Ten Commandments. The Jews spent 40 years in the desert before they were “born.” According to the Talmud, the soul enters an embryo after 40 days. So when people say Life Begins at Forty, you can tell them, “You’re absolutely right.” The Mishna says “a man of 40 years attains understanding,” which is why you should wait until you are forty to study Kabbalah. Makes sense, doesn’t it? Why waste important information on an immature mind?

Here’s an idea for your 40th birthday.

Make a list of all the things you still haven’t accomplished, the things you thought you’d have done by now. Have a seat, pour your self a glass of vodka and take a few moments to experience genuine sorrow for the first couple of things on the list. Let the feeling of regret really move through your body.

Blame numbers 1 and 2 on depression.

Blame numbers 3 and 4 on a lack of confidence. Trace this directly back to your mother, who can trace it back to her mother, who cannot trace it back to her mother because low-self esteem was a non-issue in Ireland in the 1800s; she was too concerned with how she was going to feed her eight hungry children. (Or blame lack of confidence on depression, which cuts out a whole four things you can choose not to take responsibility for. Blame depression on your gene pool, which essentially leads again back to your mother, and the questionable choices she made in choosing 1) your father, who suffered from a very bad attitude about most things, which today we would call depression, and 2) Catholic school, which didn’t specialize in self-esteem.)

For numbers 5, 6 and 7, blame having a child, which has prevented you from having the time or the space to accomplish really any of the things on the list, right?

For number 8, blame ADD or PTSD or some kind of undiagnosed learning disorder. Blame the car accident, and the head injury, which may or may not have anything to do with how your mind works or your declining ability to stay on task.

For numbers 9 and 10, do something different. Blame your youth. Tell yourself that, until now, you were lacking the wisdom and maturity required to move forward with your life in the way you had always imagined you would have by now. Vow to accomplish numbers 7-10 in the next 90 days.

For number 11, pretend it is not really a concern. It was only meant as filler, something fabricated to get you to the number 12, so that you could finally be done with the goddamn list and get on with your day. For number 12, go to the doctor and see if you can’t have it surgically removed.

Carefully read over the list, out loud to your dogs or to your children, provided they are preverbal (best not to harm their evolving minds in this process). Read the list while standing barefoot in front of a mirror.

Notice how many of the lines in your face, your forehead, twitter and deepen as you read certain numbers. Notice how your gut feels as you repeat number three for dramatic effect. Repeat number four and five for more dramatic effect.

Notice your stomach, how closely it resembles one of the planets in the solar system—is it Jupiter? Pluto? Wait, Pluto has just been demoted! Pluto is a cosmic object, not a planet. Try to imagine your stomach as a cosmic object, not a reality. Notice your teeth, how a few of them have started to do their own thing, to move to the beat of a different drum, a beat which none of the other teeth in your mouth can hear. Notice your breasts, how relaxed they have become. Hope that someday you can be as relaxed as your breasts appear to be.

Notice your attitude. Is it hopeful? Is it enlightened? Are you trying your best to be half full or are you stuck at half empty? Do you feel young and vibrant? Do you believe that age is just a number?

Tell yourself you’re only as old as you feel! You are capable of great things! The best is yet to come! as your mother's bumper sticker says.

Notice your bone structure. Tell yourself that you have great bone structure. Remember the guy at the hair salon in 1989—don’t focus on the fact that that was 20 years ago, it’s not important—who told you that you have a great neck. Tell yourself that despite your declining cognitive abilities, despite your burgeoning belly and aging sallow skin, you have a great neck. Focus on the positive!

Decide to have kinder thoughts about your body. Have two or three of them and then go back to noticing the way you really feel.

Run to answer the phone when you get to number eight, which is somewhat impossible to say without welcoming the waterworks. Spend an unusual amount of time on the phone with the people who want to talk to you about the benefits of your debt consolidation. Return to the list and read the one that has to do with your gloomy financial situation.

Think about your inability to make a livable income. Blame it on the fact that you are an “artist.” Tell yourself that you must make time for your art or it will never be great. Tell yourself that you could be great if you could only find the time to devote to greatness. Blame your job, or your time-consuming search for the “right” job, the housework, and your demanding child (who creates more housework) for standing in the way of your greatness. (Wait, didn’t you already blame them?)

Blame feminism for creating two demanding full-time jobs, essentially doubling the workload for you.

Blame your self for obliterating any conventional desire you may have had at some point in your life to marry, not another poor artist type, but some hedge fund type, which may have supplied you with an overpriced therapist and a house full of paid help, thereby freeing up your precious time for more art. Or not.

Blame both your mother and your father for having a very traditional relationship that propelled you to become a feminist who does not think in terms of how a rich husband might supply a higher standard of living.

Forget about feminism and conventional gender roles for a minute. It gets too complicated, too divisive. It pisses too many people off.

Instead focus on your feet touching the ground and moving down into the earth, giving you roots from which to feel strong! Be strong, like a tree! Looking down at your feet, find yourself distracted by the weathered sandals you took off to do this tree exercise and imagine that pair of Italian leather ones you saw the other day in the window at Jeremy’s. Think about how you deserve a new pair of sandals for the summer (and after this exercise). Then remind yourself that you can’t afford them.

Tell yourself that what you really need is a new pair of running shoes so that you can start running again. Take another moment to feel bad about not exercising enough. Really feel it. Let it sink in. Feel it in your toes and all the way up to your head. Think about how active you were in your 20s, your 30s even. You were in better physical and mental shape then, weren’t you? There were no numbers revolving around your head like a ferris wheel.

Remind yourself that there are people all over the world with real problems, people who don’t have enough to eat, people whose houses are being bombed, people whose land or good health is being stolen from them.

Belittle yourself for indulging in this list when there are so many people who are just merely trying to stay alive, to stay off the streets.
Crumple up the list and toss it into the garbage. Pour fish juice from the frying pan that is still sitting uncleaned on the stove over it. Then the dog will sniff it out of the trash can and eat it and you won’t have to think about it again.

Decide that you will revisit the idea of a list in another ten years. By then you will surely have accomplished all the things on the list. This will make you happy.

Have a piece of birthday cake.