MSNBC vs. FOX?

McFields vs. the McCoys?

Red States vs. Blue States? 

Nope.  This rumble concerns parents vs. non-parents. And, even more ironic? The cornucopia of criticism came just in time for the holidays. 

That I've never been a card-carrying member of either of the two opposing tribes  -- those who "parent" by choice and those who don't -- may well play into my fascination with how these two groups think and operate.  I've spent a good part of my life observing and wondering what drives the extreme opinions in each faction.  I'm equally fascinated with how and why these opposing forces tear each other down. What prompts the fights? Is it dogma? Insecurity? Self-righteousness? A short fuse?

(Disclosure: I  tried to have children but couldn't so for me discussions about "choosing" to parent or not are moot.  I also admit to taking potshots at those who have children but seem oblivious to the responsibility of boundary-setting and/or common courtesy. Courtesy in general seems to be in short supply these days.)

Non-parents by chance, singles included, get caught in the battles between the two more vocal camps.  Because I'm married without children I typically get "assigned" by parents to the Child Free By Choice contingent (no kids? must be selfish).  The CFBC camp  is not nearly as organized nor does it get doesn't nearly as much attention -- marketing, media or policy wise --  as the parenting community, but they do show up with their guns loaded when provoked. 

By far, more attention in recent years has been focused on the parenting community -- whether it's the helicopter parents or the  "warring" sub-groups of the mom tribe -- the stay at home vs. working mother conflicts (chronicled in Mommy Wars).  They and their comrades in arms (dads) unify when necessary against non-parents. 

That proved to be the case recently following a blog post, "Everyone Hates Mommies," on Salon.com.  The article created  quite a dustup and led to still more introspection and commentary mostly in online women's communities.  Frankly, the guys were more interested in Charlie Weis and how soon he'd be fired as Notre Dame's football coach.

In monitoring and, at times, partaking in the Everybody Hates Mommie-initiated conversations that followed I was not entirely surprised to see the daggers and shields come out.  By and large the hardcore types on both sides had the most, mmm, how shall we say, colorful disagreements. 

Mom: "The childfree nastygram brigade came out snarking in force. They have nothing better to do between their 8 PM dinner and their latenight martinis while we were putting our kids to bed."

Firing back...

CFBC:  Jealous? Mmm... martinis!

It got uglier from there. There was the usual "your life has no meaning" attack from parents. The return fire: "why are you and your progeny consuming so many precious natural resources?"

Word grenades were flying.  It was so predictable I could have almost written all 561 comments myself.  On the big score board parents have numbers, the perceived moral high ground and, hence, the upper hand, but the childfree by choice types punched back pretty hard.

Buried in the barrage of putdowns were less  inflammatory but no less important  comments from non-parents by chance. We're often overlooked in the mud-slinging. We're not nearly as in your face -- perhaps we need to take it up a notch? -- but we take umbrage at being devalued:

 "I can't tell you how many times I've heard it expressed that those without kids ... don't have as much compassion, or wouldn't understand about 'being caring.' It's sickening, it's hurtful ..."

or irresponsible:

 or rendered incapable of calling a foul:

Fortunately, there were signs we might one day reach a detente with cooler heads prevailing  and maybe even a concession or two. A self-described childless women made this insightful observation:

"Where parenthood was expected and almost universal in the past, now it is seen as a choice, and therefore, if you aren't doing it right (in the eyes of those judging you), you must be a real loser. If you choose to sacrifice a second income and stay home, that makes parenthood all the more important. After all, if you make that sacrifice and you aren't doing everything possible to enrich your child's every moment and you aren't just loving every bit of it, what are you doing? Why don't you just go to work, then? Meanwhile, parents who are at work and who have to drop their kids off at daycare every day are determined to prove that they, too, are great parents. They try to keep up with the stay-at-home people and the stay-at-homes up the ante and soon parenthood becomes this incredibly competitive and complex thing."

And a mother pointed out:

"I LOVE my children but that does not mean you have to.  I take my children to restaurants with the intention of eating with them that does not mean the guy at the table next to me did.  Same with your kid.  I did not come out to eat with your kid keep him at your table. Not under mine, not at my chair, not standing in the booth picking in my hair."

Do I see a white flag?

~~~~~

Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos is the author of Silent Sorority: A (Barren) Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found.