A letter to my daughter… wherever she is.

The demons are running spiderlike across the dark sky jumping and sparking across my head, scrabbling through my hair as they make hissing and crackling sounds , and howl in the line they draw from me to you. It’s been a long while since you have accelerated into a manic state this fast for this long and managed to hold on. Something had been bothering me since you left after our conversation doing a ‘system check in’ and a ‘medicine check in’. I asked about your constant ringing of your hands, the total removal of all the detritus of a move from 3 closets and you assured me you had it under control.  As you told me you had to pay full price for the Klonopin and 2 other drugs, I asked you if you had stopped taking them and if you would call our Family Practicioner to grovel with grace for the samples you’d need.

I didn’t feel it until tonight when Law and Order: SUV came on and Lt. Stabler’s daughter was beset by the Bipolar demons or the hell of which no one wants to speak. It felt as though I were a puppet and unceremoniously jerked to my feet.  Then I knew how and why you, my daughter, my Tall Girl(TG) chose tonight to return to your fiancé’s house, where alone your demons will howl and range. You who has never lived alone who gets panic attacks when faced with  staying alone at night. Why would you go there?  As the demon sparked up and down my arms stopping  and humming at the end of my fingertips, I suddenly realized what would be the only thing that would overcome your fear of the night. I had not thought there might still be some marijuana and most certainly some morphine left in the house as the Fiancé packed for his last trip to visit his family on their homestead. I expect you will take one or the other. I can only hope and pray you fall asleep quickly and awake refreshed in the morning ready to fight off the demons and not try and make any decisions during the night. But just in case I checked all 4 phones to make sure they are working and are in the places they are supposed to so if you…or the police call, I’ll hear it.

I don’t know what to do and hope/wish I am wrong, but this road is too familiar and the demons are howling with glee. I hope they have not and do not win. Sleep,my daughter sleep…be well.