I was once homeless. My family didn't have a home most of 2009. It happened quickly. My husband and my 2 children from another marriage lived in a nice established neighborhood in Cary, North Carolina. My husband worked as a robotics engineer. I was a successful esthetician. We opened our own business, a day spa in a beautiful historic home, right downtown with chandeliers, fireplaces, glossy hardwood floors. We served wine to clients getting pedicures, gave white fluffy robes to massage clients and pampered women’s skin with organic luxurious facials.

I home schooled my children. As with most business owners, we worked many hours and had little time to ourselves while living the American Dream. It started to fall apart though. November 2008, my husband and I had agreed to go on a cruise with a group of friends. We had paid for it over a year before and although business was steady, it had died down as the presidential election grew closer, but we felt we needed to go because we could not get a refund and hadn’t been on a vacation in a few years. We left my 13yr old daughter with my father in Cary and my son went to stay with his father and his girlfriend, in a small town about an hour away. This was a common practice. My ex-husband and I got along well and were excellent co-parents, most likely because I had paid for the divorce, took nothing of financial value from the marriage and did not legally pursue child support for the 7 years we had been apart. Sure, I had struggled without the support, but I thought it better for the children to see their parents on good terms than fighting over money.

When my husband and I returned after 5 days, I called my ex to arrange a meeting point at our normal WholeFoods Store in Durham. He laughed and told me “Oh, I forgot to tell you, he’s not coming home”, then proceeded to tell me what a bad mother I was. The police couldn’t do anything because I had never filed paperwork stating I was the custodial parent. This was because I had trusted my ex and didn’t think it was necessary. My son had been adopted from Romania and although he appeared to be a healthy 5^th grader he had a host of emotional issues including; attachment disorder, ADHD, sensory integration and learning disabilities. I had been homeschooling, fed him organic and healthy food, no TV stimulation (just movies, we didn’t have cable) and only allowed him an hour to play video games each night. This was so he didn’t have to take medication public schools require for children like my son. He was doing great and had really flourished in his school work and now enjoyed reading that the TV and computer were not a factor in his life. At his dad’s house, it was a different story; he ate sugary and fast foods, unlimited TV/computer and his father didn’t like reading, so my son didn’t read. We had once sent “The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe” for my son to read at his dad’s house during a visit and his dad wouldn’t let him because it was satanic…so he said. Needless to say, my son greatly enjoyed visiting with his dad every other weekend, unlimited TV and tons of junk food. What kid wouldn’t?

After my son wasn’t returned, this new change in home and  lifestyle along with now his dad giving him the ADHD Rx didn’t seem to bother my son; all the while I was sinking deeper and deeper into a depression, like a limb had been torn from my body. But my son’s behavior of forgetting about me is common with children who have attachment disorder. He attaches to people who can meet his needs, even if those need include McDonalds and video games. I’m sure it didn’t help me with my modest home and strict parenting or that his dad’s girlfriend lived in a near million dollar home on a lake with all the boats and expensive toys.

After stating for years, that he was unable to help pay for a private school or help out with my children’s bills, my unemployed ex-husband hired an attorney and took legal action against me for our son. I was told by the court mediator to sign an agreement stating my son would stay with my ex and because I couldn’t afford an attorney it was a good chance my ex could ask for my daughter and get custody of her as well if I decided to go to court without representation. So I signed the agreement stating I would have visitation with my son and my daughter would stay in my custody. It was just a huge mess after nearly 7 years of friendly co-parenting.

I had fully planned to go to court to get my son returned to me buy saving enough money to hire an attorney, until the owner of the historic home where we had our day spa visited a less than a month later. She saw all the renovations we had done and decided to put the home up for sale for 1.2 million dollars and was angry we couldn’t pay it. We were forced to move out December 2008, I had nothing left in me to fight it and eventually even after trying to move our business to a new location it failed a few short months later. My husband who was now trying to hold me up emotionally, taking so much of the business responsibilities on his shoulders was laid off January 2009 because he could no longer perform at 100% due to all the distractions. In 3 months, we had lost our son and our income. We had no savings because all of our money had been invested into our children, home and business. Every extra dollar was used each month on tutors, groceries, school books, dental appointments and investing in our business which we felt was our future.  A mountain of debt began to avalanche over us.

We found renters for our home to pay the mortgage because we could not afford it, but they ended up moving out after only a few months and our home went into foreclosure. In March 2009 my husband, 14 yr old daughter, 2 cats, 2 dogs and myself moved into a condemned investment home owned by a businessman. He had bought the old home to make into a wedding house, but now didn’t have the funds to pay someone to restore it. He had seen what we had done with the historic home in which we had our spa and promised we would make a lot of money if we did the same for this home. He gave us an allowance for supplies and we went to work. We thought this was the answer in helping us get back on our feet and paying all the outstanding bills we owed from our business.

In its day a century ago the home had been grand, but no one had lived in it for nearly 40 yrs and there had been no remodeling done since the early 1900’s. Many of the windows had been broken out, so we put up boards to keep out the cold and to give us just a little bit of a feeling of safety. The home had little electricity and the outlets were unreliable. But I know we could have had it worse. We kept a happy face on, telling people we were excited about the project. These people didn’t know we were sleeping on the floor amongst the roaches and dirt of 100 yrs because we had to sell all our furniture to help pay outstanding bills from our failed business and often there wasn’t enough left over for groceries, not that we had a kitchen. We only had a small dorm style refrigerator that leaked, a microwave and coffee pot. What food we did have would get invaded by bugs. I would still prepare it by picking out the insect bodies from the rice to feed my family. Before we lost it all, I had fed my family a mostly non-genetically modified and organic diet. Now we would eat breakfast off the $1 menu at McDonald’s and get .99 BLTs at Sonic. Because we didn’t have a good or large refrigerator we could only put about 3 or 4 things in it; a small carton of milk, coffee so the bugs didn’t get it, a bottle filled with tap water and a .69 pot pie for my husband. Some days I didn’t eat because there just wasn’t enough. Our treat was ordering an $8 pizza from the nearby restaurant. We would use my husband’s small unemployment check for such luxuries. I now wore old sweatpants, my husband’s T-shirts, ball caps to cover my roots and gray hairs, no make-up, no more expensive lotions or shampoos. Everything we had was rationed. The grocery store now replaced Macy’s, Guess and Bloomingdales as now the grocery was the place where I made my wish lists….oh to have wheat bread, brie, Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream, wine. I have always measured how well my life was going according to if I could afford a $6 bottle of wine.

My 30yr old car broke down and I couldn’t get it fixed to get a new job, plus living in a home without AC to get ready, no make-up or styling products and dusty clothes, I wasn’t quite the person to work in the spa environment anymore. I got sick in June 2009. The $90 to go to the Urgent Care wiped out our cash. We had lost our insurance and I was lucky I only had a sinus infection. I never really had appreciated so many things that I had taken for granted before; heat/AC, a clean place to live, windows that weren’t broken, perfume, deodorant, being able to go the the grocery and buy food, having flea care for my animals, furniture to sit, health/dental insurance, new shoes, a Pepsi.

We lived this way for 8 months until I had become close to suicidal. I knew I couldn’t go on any longer and I finally convinced my husband that the business man who we had been working for with only the promise of pay at the end of our restoration was always going to find something else we had to do. We never saw a dime of all our hard work, but we have beautiful photos. We moved to Florida and lived with my husband’s mother for a few months. We had lost our cat Sophie on the way, so now it was just us and the 3 animals. We received our tax return from our failed business and we were able to get a truck for the few possessions we had left in NC. We were able to rent a small house that I have never been so thankful for. My husband got a job in May 2010. We filed for bankruptcy and that saved us. My daughter now almost 18 years old, her dad, my ex, hasn’t asked to see her in nearly 4 yrs. She is taking dance and doing well. I was never able to fight in court for my son for fear my daughter would be taken because we were homeless. I have only been allowed to see him a couple of times. It’s not because I was a negligent or bad parent, but it’s because my ex won’t abide by the parenting agreement and I can’t afford to take him to court, especially not in another state. I send my son postcards and emails, but don’t hear back.

I suppose we are lucky. We believed in “The Secret”, love and love will come back to you, kharma and all that other bullshit. Not anymore. Once you lose everything, most of the people you thought you could rely on vanish, even and especially in my case, family. The ones you have helped pretend they don’t know you and friends who received discounts at our business, move on to others who have discounts and free services to give. Our state and government protects those who can pay for it, when all is lost so are you and justice is sold to the highest bidder. The good things that have come out of this experience are; when I now look into my full size refrigerator, I am so grateful I can feed my family. I can turn on my heat and A/C. I’m thankful for my second hand furniture. I’m thankful that although it’s old and not the most beautiful, I have a safe place to live. I’m thankful for the few people that didn’t leave my side because I had nothing of value to offer them. I can go to the doctor if I’m sick. I can eat organic foods again. I never have to eat at McDonalds because I have no other option and I can walk into my kitchen and open a bottle of wine.