I don't care how old you are 17 or 57, you don't want to hear how your dad was doing it up the poop shoot with some sex crazed divorcee. This was going to be the subject of conversation today in my mother’s green and gold minivan.
We had never really had the “sex talk”. My first date at 15 was with a guy who was 22yrs old. It was after a high school football game, I was on the dance team. It was a double date to Pizza Hut, no big deal, but I knew it would be a big deal to my parents because of his age and now looking back I would have thought it terribly wrong for my daughter to do the same. Her step-father would certainly be out for blood and the 22yr old would’ve been lucky to keep all his body parts intact. But at the time I thought nothing about it, mainly because at that age I wasn’t capable of making a good decision, didn’t know much about boys or their ulterior motives and the guy drove a new black corvette. Okay, so I was more interested in the car than the guy.
My friend and I changed from our little blue short skirts, bloomers and white performance boots into our jeans and sweaters in her parent’s Suburban. We then hopped in the cars of our guys and headed out. The four of us sat at a booth with a sticky checkered plastic tablecloth. The guys shoved pizza in their mouth and I didn't eat anything because I was at the awkward stage of not wanting boys to think I ate actual food or went to the bathroom.
After dinner, corvette guy and I parked by my house and he kissed me as I kept one eye open looking at the blue lit dashboard, smoothed my hand over the soft leather interior and admired the sleek hood of the car. After only a few minutes, he dropped me off at my house and I went inside to be greeted by my mother, who was not as happy as I was that I had been riding in a corvette. She slapped me across my face and told me with beady mean eyes she was disappointed and disgusted with my behavior. I was grounded indefinitely and that my body was not a playground.
Ahhhh, the literal child comes out…. My body was not a playground? She said stupid shit like this all the time that sent me into hours of contemplation searching for an explanation in my mind. She also used to say anytime I had some sort of achievement “You….made the team, got a good grade, won an award in the science fair, voted onto homecoming court…By The Skin Of Your Teeth!” This one really got me as I would run my tongue across the top of my teeth; could she mean I have plaque? I brush all the time. They felt pretty clean to me. I didn’t understand what she had meant by this saying until I was an adult. Oh, it was a jab at me….you bitch!
“Birds of a feather flock together” was also one that was completely lost on me. What? I don’t even really like birds, why would I want a feathers? Maybe for some cool earrings?
Now, referring to my body as a playground, that sounded awesome. I pictured my body as an amusement park, my arms were swinging rides and the tips of my fingers were the twisting and turning Octopus ride. My nipples were big lights that flashed on and off like those little cars with the sparkly paint the children ride. The curve of my legs and bottom were a roller coaster. My hips, the Tilt-A-Whirl! Oh, I had no idea my body was so fun! No wonder boys wanted to play on it.
My mother’s attempt to have a talk about sex went something like this;
“Put an aspirin between your legs if you don’t want to get pregnant.”
“Mom, you can still get pregnant that way. You just have to bend over.”
She rushed me to her ancient gynecologist. He must have been 90 yrs old and his hands were way too big to be in this sort of medical career. I was given not one, but three forms of birth control at 17yrs old; a diaphragm, spermicidal jelly and the pill. God knows she didn’t want me pregnant. What would her Bridge Club say? I would have to pick up my birth control at a pharmacy 30 minutes away from my house where I wouldn’t be recognized, because sex was shameful and of course I was the only teenager having sex in my town.
Up to this point this was the only sex talk I had ever had with my mother. If I had known the following conversation would have taken place, I would have hurled myself out of the moving car before she had a chance to speak. But I had no way of knowing what was about to be said in the Ass-trovan…you will get that in a minute.
"Do you know how I knew that Son of a Bitch was having an affair?" she said with a voice too loud for an enclosed car, her hands were gripping the steering wheel tightly so that her knuckles were white and her shaky brown eyes darted from the passenger seat where I was sitting to the road. "Do YOU?" I could actually see the brown hairs rising on her head in an Einstein fashion. I stared straight ahead and sighed, knowing she was going to tell me regardless if I pretended to care or not. I was used to her melodramatics at this point in my life and was not alarmed by her ranting, yelling and flailing arms.
"Because YOUR FATHER wanted to have anal sex with me!"
Accccckkkkkk! Make her stop, didn’t see that one coming! Just make this word, this vision now seared into my teenage head stop, better yet erase it. Pour me a glass of amnesia, stat! Ahhhh! I see it now, it’s too late and its gross, I want to throw up. For Christ’s Sakes don’t explain this to me! Please go find someone, anyone, one of the Country Club ladies to talk to, not your daughter!
"He normally squeezes my right breast in the morning and gets on top of me and we have intercourse." She used the word intercourse I guess because the word sex is only used for dirty things.
God, if you are there, make her stop. I began to pray and promise I would never have sex again if she just stopped talking. I thought to myself, this would be a convenient time for the out of control semi-truck to come hurling toward us. Something! Anything!
"But he tried to have ANAL sex with me, just like she let him do to her! That's how I knew he was having an affair!!!! And you want to hang around this woman who everybody has had a turn?!!! You want to go out to dinner with them?!! Huh!!?? That nasty woman who has anal sex with your father?!!!!"
I don't recall what else happened during that car ride, I've blocked it out or most likely, I blacked out at that very moment, just passed out cold. I’m sure she left me in the parked car with the windows rolled up that July while she went into Food Town to buy her Cheetos and Soft Batch cookies that she would microwave to get them extra gooey, the ones she would hide until we had gone to bed and gorge herself on their empty calorie goodness and lack of nutrition wondering why she couldn't lose weight or have a husband who didn’t want to do it in the poop shoot.Disclaimer: You the reader are reading this blog at your own risk. At no time has the writer contacted the reader without their permission in reference to this blog site. If you find the content of this blog offensive you have the right to never visit this site again. The people, location and events have been changed to protect the innocent; any similarities to any persons either living or dead are purely coincidental.