I hate the work "fuck," and rarely, rarely use it. In this post, I felt it was not only appropriate, but necessary.

I'm so sad for Alex and sorry that you know such a young woman dying. Terribly unfair and tragic. Cancer is awful.

I'm sorry about Alex, and about how you're feeling. There are so many crappy, unfair things going on out there that sometimes it's hard to keep your equanimity. I hope writing this post helped a little bit.

It is the way your loving and caring mind works...It's telling you that in the grand scheme of things a hundred dollrs has no real importance . Your relationship with your daughter is much more valuable....If she owes it she will pay you without you having to ask or prompt her to do so. If she doesn't owe it then you have nothing to be concerned about and if it bothers you not to know for sure either way your mind will bring you to Alex and ask "What does it matter?"

I know exactly how you feel. These days, you are not alone when it comes to expenses, business being slow and money being tight. My children often borrow money and in the past I never expected them to repay it, now, however, I want my money.

A month ago a couple living one block away, whom I have known since our children were in grade school, lost their 23 yr old daughter to melanoma. She found a spot on her foot about 6 months ago and was diagnosed. She moved home so her mother could take care of her, the husband lost is job and hospice practically moved in with them. Every day for 6 months the news got worse and worse, until her struggle finally came to an end. I see the parents at the grocery store and have no idea what to say to them.

You have my utmost sympathy and my prayers. Hopefully, you will find gratitude in your life very soon. Keep your thoughts positive.

This is the third case of this sort of cancer I know of now...one lived, one didn't...I hope Alex gets relief either way, soon. Yes...putting things in perspective helps...

Take care...a prayer for Alex here.

Life can be so damnably unfair at times.
More importantly,I hope that David is doing well.

i use the word fuck all the time so i apologize in advance. oh, sweetheart, everyone has said very wise thing already. i'm a recovering accountant so a $100 discrepancy would drive me nuts too. i too love solving a puzzle. and it is so important to keep these things in perspective but it's not easy. i'm poor and live in low income housing and i have to watch every penny but i still manage to keep a sense of humor about all of it.

oh, that poor alex. i don't understand why she isn't getting hospice care where they take all the palliative measures and give tons of drugs if the person wants to be painfree. that is horrifying that she is living a living death really. i know that you can't say anything. just makes me very sad. my late husband had hospice people at the end and it made all the difference for all of us.

anyway, it's clear why you're stressed. deep breathing, a 10 minute walk, a bath, cuddling with a pet, all of these help me when i'm anxious or panicking. and expressing gratitude for the little tiny abundances in your lfie. i do that daily and it's the best antidote to all the stressors. love love love and gratitude.

The imminence of death often brings out the superstitious obsessive in us; someone owes Alex her life back = your daughter might owe $100. There's an archaic part of your mind that's worried if she doesn't pay one way, will she pay another? I'm oppressed this morning because my daughter's in the US and there was a commuter subway train crash in Washington. There's a part of me that understands what you're going through. Today I'll pray for all our daughters.

Maybe the fact that Alex is dying so painfully is making it difficult to also deal with the finances? The mind can't handle all that at once. Sadly, the hundred dollars does matter. It might not matter today, though. You have my sympathy.

speechless

It's not the $100; that's just the proverbial "straw". It's the lack of control you feel, unable to help Alex, unable to get a grip on the multi-million little "mosquitos" that plague us while we're suffering the bigger blows. I'm sorry you're stressed. You're not alone and life will not always show you only either its bad or good side. Ride it out - better days are ahead.

I hope things get better.

For what it's worth, Esophogeal cancer is serious but it isn't always a death sentence. My father survived for ten years beyond the radical surgery to treat it. The money thing is driving you up the wall since you feel like you can't do anything to help your friend. It is an area that you know that can be found if due dilligence is applied. Keep your spirit up. That will be a help . Never just give up and accept what the doctors tellyou either, they are often wrong.

sometimes reality balances out the details of reality. Hearing about Alex saddens me; she's to young... rAted!

oh what sadness. yes, it gives one perspective and breaks the heart. Meanwhile, the meaningless battles go on and on and on.

yes, sometimes we really need to sit back and realize what it is important to be stressed out about. Thanks for the reminder.

very sad about alex. it's not at all fair.

i constantly have to remind myself that others have much bigger problems than me. sometimes that doesn't help. other people's problems may be worse than mine but they are mine and quite personal and sometimes daunting nonetheless.

This is very sad about Alex Patricia. Your worry dilema reminds me of why my mother long ago adopted the phrase, "what will it matter in 50 years?" We say that all the time just to get things in the right perspective.

Peace to Alex and you and all who are going through this right now.

Namaste.

Where are we? rumi.
~
An invisible bird flies over,
but caste a quick shadow
What is the body? That shadow of a shadow
of your love, that somehow contains
the entire universe.
A man sleeps heavily,
though something blazes in him like the sun,
like a magnificent fringe sewn up under the hem.
(skipping ... )
You kiss a beautiful mouth, and a key turns in the lock of your fear.
A spoken sentence sharpens to a fine edge.
Where the lion lies down.
Where any man or women goes to cry.
Where the sick goes when they hope t get well.
Where a wind lifts that helps with winnowing,
and, the same moment sends a ship on its way.
....
(We all get this dread feeling sense)
rumi wonders:`do you think I know what I'm doing?
That for one breath or half breath I belong to myself?
As much as a pen knows what it's writing,
or a (bouncing ball) ball can guess where it's going next?
Hi patricia k.
I always say "fugue."
I make up cuss words.
I'll cuss and pray for you.
You say fugue and pray for me/us.

I always look forward to and appreciate the love, support and wisdom that is displayed in your comments. You are an amazing bunch of people and I am touched by your generosity. Around the same time we found out that Alex is going quickly, my son David told me that one of his friends (not a close friend) just over dosed and died. He was also very young.The juxtaposition of the two friends almost seemed ironic...and extremely sad. This particular guy basically was fooling around and killed himself while the other friend, Alex, is fighting for her life...but is unwillingly losing the battle. How unfair for her....

There are no good answers for the question of dying young, from whatever cause. None.

Those things do kind of force us to see what we think of as important in their proper context, as many have said.

I will weep with you at the passing of young people and children, and I have many times at their bedsides.

About all I can do is be there with them. Tell them that they are loved. And if they are of the faith to remind them that this world is but a preview of a far better place. And sometimes all you can really offer is being there, especially if they are heavily sedated or even beyond what we think of as being able to hear. That "ministry of presence" is a mighty source of comfort.

I hope your days are better than Monday. It is horrible how money issues can play a huge role in how we feel and how much we stress over it. It actually controls more of our lives than we realize, from families, relationships, jobs, just about everything in life.
Stressful times are so rough these days with everything that is going on right now. Relax and I hope you have better days.
{{HUGS}} sorry I am late getting over here, I am trying to catch up on reading on..

Yep, sometimes we stress out over what is big to us, but then we get the comparisons such as Alex and its like, "EEK!! I'm still healthy and alive..."

Sad about Alex.....

Wow. Don't have a lot to say except that I'm sad for Alex. Cancer at any age is horrible, of course, but for a 20-something kid whose friends are busy branching out and starting new lives, enjoying their present and looking forward to their futures--hell, taking their futures for granted--it must be terribly isolating.

But you're not wrong to worry about the $100--times are tight, and just because your situation puts you a couple steps above Alex on Maslow's pyramid doesn't mean your concerns are completely worthless. Bless you for having the sensitivity and insight to recognize her situation and appreciate what you have, though.

I've heard people get to be millionaires by worry about the little expenses, not the "big" ones, but as you & I know, a $100 is a lot of money for me,and I can, guess you.I use the word "fuck" is my "southern" articles, to be funny (i hope), but can get along with out it on my "cry pieces".On comments, I do go over the hill using it sometimes, and I regret it after i push the button, but there is no bringing it back.Mostly, on the Idiot comments. Great Post. I hate it when anyone dies , especially the "young" one, who have done nothing as of yet to deserve it, if anyone does.

PK; The struggle to maintain perspective and proportion with regard to our problems is ongoing. I was glad to read your awareness of the relative importance of early death vs $100. I'll keep Alex in mind.

Best Regards,

David