Death Is Near, But It's Not Keeping Me Away From Alex
I'm discovering for myself that " facing my fear" really is a powerful tool for overcoming that fear.
I'm referring to Alex, the young 22 year old friend/neighbor who is dying of esophagus cancer and will be dead any day now. (For those of you who are new to my blog, I've written two other posts concerning Alex.)
Of course I still cry for her occasionally when she enters my mind. If I'm not actually crying, I'm thinking about her and wondering.... Just about every night I go to sleep wondering if she is going to make it through the night...and then I wake up in the morning wondering if she will make it through the day. It's amazing how this young person's last days are truly affecting me. She isn't even my kid....she's just a neighbor of mine and a friend of my own kids'. Death is never easy, but when it's striking a young person, a child, it's scary.
About a week ago, I started out not wanting to see her in her dying condition. I only wanted memories of her alive, laughing, and being a young girl with her sparkling black eyes and wavy thick honey colored hair that occasionally was tinted a different color. I didn't want my last image of her to be the present Alex who is fighting cancer...fighting to stay alive another day. I was afraid to witness the signs of a looming death hovering around her as a vulture hovers in the air waiting for its next meal.
So far, I've seen Alex three times in the last week. The first time is when I brought by a letter I had written to her so she would know of my feelings for her. Although no spoken word was shared, I did take a peek as she soundly slept on her hospital bed in her home. Her appearance wasn't as alarming or intimidating as I had imagined. Instead, she looked peaceful and completely relaxed as she quietly slept. Her thin frail body, bald head and yellow tinted skin didn't prevent me from seeing the beautiful Alex that I've always known. I could still recognize her. Beautiful Alex was still there even though cancer made its home within her young body. I went home feeling more peaceful and glad that I did see her....even though she was asleep. It ended up paving the way for my next visit to her two days later....on her 22 birthday.
This time when I showed up at her door she was awake....barely, but she was awake enough to know who I was and to thank me for the letter I wrote to her. Can you imagine?! Here she is dying, her body filled with disease and she "thanked" me for the letter. I've been hearing through the grapevine that she is always forgetting herself and her condition and instead, inquires about others, thanks people and shows concern about what's going on in the lives of her visitors. Because of her weakened health and energy, I didn't stay long....just enough to wish her a happy birthday, give her a gentle kiss and to remind her that I love her. Once again, I was grateful that I got to see her...this time awake. I later heard that her wish as she blew out her birthday candles earlier that day, was to live another day. Each day was truly a gift to Alex and to her loved ones.
Today was my third short visit with Alex. Last time, my husband was with me. Today, my nine year old son (who's on OpenSalon by the way...Tom K) wanted to present her a picture he painted for her on a poster board. Rather than describe it, I enclosed a photo of it. 
With this third visit, I was actually feeling more bold and brave as I prepared to see her once again. With her appearance no longer concerning me, I am able to "be with" her... slightly more tuned into "her" compared to being tuned into my "fear" of her and her condition. Although just as sad, I'm not as afraid as I was with the first visit. This time, she was actually sitting up although very groggy. I believe the grogginess is coming from being heavily medicated with pain relief drugs through her IV. She seemed to remember my son, although my son didn't recognize her. (The last time he saw her was last summer as he flirted with her at the pool.) Not only did she thank him for the picture, she asked him for a hug....
Although I am shedding some more tears as I finish this post... I am no longer afraid of being with Alex. Her impending death is no longer keeping me away from her. Every visit is a gift....a gift of life shared with young Alex and her surrounding loved ones. Yes, death is nearby, but it's no longer keeping me away from Alex. It's almost an irony how both Alex's life and her awaiting death is bringing her loved ones to her. Of course, it is her life that will continue on in our minds and hearts....long after her body is buried underthe ground. 
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Namaste.
I was totally unprepared for how devastated I would feel at his funeral and how much I would regret not making a final attempt to visit on his deathbed.
Since then I have had four additional opportunities to visit dying relatives on their deathbed, all suffering from cancer. With my grandmother, I was essentially there in the hours leading up to her death ensuring that her favorite music was playing on the CD player. She left us only when we stepped out to get a breath of air.
Being there and witnessing someone in their suffering final moments of life is equally devastating, but eases the mourning process because you don't have feelings of regret that you may have abandoned the person too soon.
God bless you,
Monte
blessed be both of you
I'm so glad you made the effort to visit Alex,it will add to your
peace of mind.
Sending you a Big Hug :)
There's this little game I play with myself. If I really dig my heels in on something very emotional, if I want avoid facing it, that's the time I must go. It's called opposite action, and I believe it's from Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Each time I get a little bit stronger and put up less of a fight.
Great, great series of posts. Thank you so much for sharing this. There are so many fine people in this world, and you are one.
Beautiful person and beautiful piece.
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Mad_typist, JK Brady, Poet of Logan Square, Buffy W, Scanner, Mr.Mustard, Psychomama, and Roy....Thank you. I appreciate your support and love.
Aphrobehn: I know what you mean about being "shunned." I would feel terribly sad if people stayed away from me because I was dying. That's when our loved ones need us the most.
Jennifer C: Yes, you're correct about not having the regrets. I have regrests about not spending more time with my loved ones while they were alive and were dying.
Peter: I could use a big hug! :)
Tinker: How true. When will we learn?
Roger: I do believe she is ready....at least spiritually.
You are a good, good friend.
xo